I'm not up early as I'd ideally liked. There is too much noise already, and though it rained few hours ago, the air is very heavy with city debris. The infamous yellow band over Beirut can be spotted at this early hour of the day already. I had a random playlist from the suggestions on Soundcloud playing as I preparing my coffee, a cool one popped up; Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal's cover on Oud with frame drum. I smiled.. I don't need the coffee, I just happen to want it lately, it's going to be another fad and I will quit it again. Oral fixation is a real thing, I've been fighting my binge / emotional eating badly lately, it's activated again, I will curb it in due time, when I have the strength again. One battle at a time, I can't possibly fight and win them all simultaneously. Yesterday I had to speak to stupid neighbours and family members. At this stage in life, nobody gives a fuck about anyone or anything anymore. It's extremely hard to communicate when boundaries have been broken too, meaning we can't even stick to politeness and distance when there are disagreements - which is always the case lately. So enmeshement, agression, hostility, apathy... you name it. Yet, things are very interconnected, when it comes to survival, services, utilities, etc. I am so tired, I cry myself to sleep at night, it's the only way I can release it all off me so I can reset for another new day.
I read through few of the older posts recently, and I got so frustrated at my bad English and all the mistakes, but I didn't bother change anything. For now, I shall just use this tool freely as I have intended for it to be used, I shan't worry about imperfections and things that could be fine tuned. I am just hanging on to anything for now, and this space here, is keeping me going, one way or another...
I also need to put myself together again after all that has happened in my life up to this moment, most especially the last 10 months. I need to look after my mind, I need to mend my heart. Writing seems to be the excellent exercice for my mind, and a breather for my aching heart. Through writing I also get to touch base with my spirit, making sure all is in harmony, nothing has strayed away. It's OK to suffer, it's not OK to falter...
It's been 30 years since I started journaling, I wrote a poem, about a crush I had on a man, it was a very smart and beautiful poem (for my age then anyway). I remember sharing it proudly with few friends then. There was this rush of intense emotions, feelings, insights, I used to have, and the flood of love I felt within was so big I used to have a very pressing urge to talk about it and to share it, to make it known, felt too, by others. Not much has changed in this department in 30 years, if anything, I just miss my short story writing self, I used to do that when I was only 7 or 8 years old. Come to think of it now, I was a genius, but since it takes a genius to recognise one, I went on all that time being unrecognized. But thanks to my consciousness and awareness, I seem to be doing OK for a woman in my age and my lifestyle / history. If I see me, this is all that is needed. And I do indeed, I love myself, I cherish my own company, I enjoy my own creations and ways of expressions. I am only a channel, I let it all come through me and out... what beautiful existence this is, if only it hasn't been so tempered with! I also always miss home, and I feel the closest to it when I am creating and self expressing...
I don't feel most inspired today, I had an awkward start of the day. I will leave it here, hoping to make progress in my work station, and hopefully rest, and maybe have my favorite after the rain walk.
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