Mirage

I've constructed a whole fictional world out of the mirage... I believed it too, and I was forever spell bound in this bubble, which served to facilitate all the predatory actions of all the ill spirited people I managed to gather around, and serve. All in the name of love, fueled by codependency, abandonment / attachment wounds, and an eternal flow of imaginative creative constructive energy. 

Then it was all taken away from me, I was made to see the mirage for what it was, and I had been heartbroken ever since. 

All the people the lovers the family the friends... They were only just a mirage; explains my agony and torment all of my life. Then my vision got sharpened, slowly at the start, enough to allow me to bounce back and forth between the mirage and the reality, and quite abruptly afterwards, leaving no room for me to hide, no narrative, no dynamic, no story, no face, no body. 

I have become so very starved, and I have always been hungry, for what was not given at the very start of this life journey could not be made up for in the later stages. Poor entrapped mind, entrapping my soul, and I made do with that, I made it so that it was the norm, my norm.

But then again, snap! Taken away. Whatever has been running in hiding mode was made to come to the surface and be revealed for what it is. It's not personal, those are the days of the current collective changes. 

On one hand, it sounds pretty cool and quite phenomenal, to witness this evolutionary change, on the other hand, I'm tired. 

There is only one way to source whatever my mind think it needs from outside of me, and that is being my own provider. I got it all within, wasn't it what I had been using to try and convince people to stay to begin with!?... 

They all stayed, as long as I kept providing and facilitating, that access to the infinite bright light, without there being anything ever reciprocated to me. How could they anyway, who could have!?... They were always just beggars in royalty costume, wolves in sheep's skin! 

And I was to witness to unrevealing of that shit show, in real time. For years on end now, and I struggled, God knows I did. 

And now? I got to let go of the mirage, I have to let go of the illusion, I have to let go of whatever safety my system has created in my mind and in my body from that facade, and try and stay anchored...

For indeed there is no Home anymore but in the truth, and if it meant to remain only with and inside myself, for lack of anything or anyone truthful outside of it, then be it. 

And I say a little prayer of gratitude, for if it was up to me, I would've remained spell bound in the mythical reality of the ill spirited people of this dark place, perhaps forever and ever too... 

Thank you ever so much, for the remembering, if for anything at all. 

Onwards and upwards we go. 

Bring it on!

Animal Farm

Like the cattle, they're all stamped and marked. They call it "inked" and "pierced", convinced it sounds cool. They were their inherited religious symbols around their necks, wrists, and on their chests, like some badge of honor. Slaves and cattle with shrunken square brains and flat hearts. Flat is a good word, they are utterly flat and bland. They are not the fools though, I am, for still looking. I'm rewiring my whole system not to see, not to collect more data, not to memorize the faces, the content, not to scan the eyes. "Nobody's home" era has been brought into its next level. Hallow shells walking, ultimately taken, utterly replaced-able. 

What is all of this reflecting back to me? (Since all there is truly is only just ourselves.) My inability to fill up my own world to the brim, so much so that there would be no room nor the least interest to look outside of it. Haven't I seen it all already anyway? I did indeed. Then what is it that keeps making me want to peek every now and then? That foolish dreamer mind, that hopeless delusional heart!... But try as I might, God has taken charge of my soul direction again. I'm allowed to wander all I want, "entertain yourself" it says... "Knock yourself out" I say to myself, for there is no avoiding the rerouting. "45 years is more than enough" it says, "but why me" I say... 

I am yet to receive the answer. 

In the meantime, the dragon is dormant close by, always on stand by for my command, should I ever wish to allow my mind and soul to wander, not aimlessly for once, with precision, purpose, and calculated direction. 

The question remains, is anything or anyone even worth the effort, the sacred fire? Not long now until their own fire starts eating them up from the inside out. I did not sign up for this show, but I might be given clear instructions to sit down and just watch! 

My motto for this stage: 

Keep going. Hope for the best. Brace for impact.

In the meantime, I might as well keep on swiping left and right on those dating apps every now and then and marvel at the scene from behind the screen. 

All hail the(ir) gods of distraction, destruction, and delusion!..

The brain

The thing that got damaged by a lifetime of abuse, is the very thing that is required to get me out of the damage itself, is the very thing that is behind my earning my keep, it is also the very thing that I've often needed to numb me out of the pain of abuse, is the very thing that is supposed to help me learn, expand, and ascend, is the very thing responsible for comfort and pleasure, is the thing for both surviving and thriving, is the very thing that through fine tuning gets to help transcend this very damaging realm. 

It is no wonder that I have taken naturally and organically the path of cleaning my brain, although I wasn't aware what I was doing at the time. It is also no wonder every now and then I have an urge to numb, use, and self abuse. 

This journey of self healing is of utmost sensitive nature, and although I stumble and fall and mess up more often than I would ideally want to, I still come back to it, and sometimes it's only just hope and belief, for I am indeed so very tired, a lifetime of tiredness, disregulation, and attempts at regulation. 

It is fair to say that I am an absolute different person since I've cut out sugar completely from my system 6 months ago. I am still falling on breads and dairy, which they have to go too, one thing at a time, for indeed there is no need anymore to fall, or fall on anything at all for that matter. 

Catch me if you can

I've been told lately by many people that I've lost weight, this usually means I lost a lot, because little or average amount doesn't make a big different in my looks. I didn't realize it myself if it wasn't to those remarks, since the number one important component of drastic weight loss is usually feeling fresh and light in my body. Because that didn't happen this time around, I couldn't perceive the weight loss. But now after inspection, it's hitting me that I have indeed lost a lot of weight and seems like I am still losing more, and I'm absolutely happy and excited, since my body has been stagnant and blocked for years on end, still I had to question why is it that I don't feel it in my body. Well first of all, all the chronic pains from the years past, and all the new crippling ones from the recent events and mostly last year, are still very much there and almost always activated. Secondly, I believe I am still disassociated somewhat; it feels as though there's a little gap between myself and my body, this is why moving feels as though I am dragging it, and as though it is lagging. It is why I love walking a lot, because despite the painful and timely preparation to leave the house, the heaviness and the pains while moving, the absolute exhaustion afterwards, I still somehow feel like I am doing it with my body, and I am one with it in those moments of walking. It is also why I am trying to bring back the dancing routine, for I can't be just in my body when it requires heavy work (yes walking has been feeling like that nowadays), but also in the soft and pleasurable moments, and ultimately, in the pause, and stillness. This proves one thing for sure, the more you think you've healed, the more there is to heal! One does not realize just how messed up existing in this reality is, or even how much labor and work coming out of some of its entrapments requires. Still, I am grateful, for even managing to escape some of its many tentacles, and I carry on the work every moment, of every day, as long and as much as I can, until ultimate liberation. But for now, being slippery, smoother, and thinner seems to be doing the trick of being uncatchable! 

Huuuu

Beautiful daily births of new days come and go, nobody hardly ever watches them over here. I make sure I wake up early enough to witness them, despite the extremely cold weather at this odd time of the year. 

The apocalypse continues, but I learned how to anchor myself, despite all the many different levels of madness and chaos all around. 

My brain is healing too, it isn't just my body, despite the foginess and the heaviness still, but at least my memory is returning, and I am able to recall how my mind used to work when it comes to work. I am finally able to be productive and creative again, in my old fashion, creating beautiful flowy realms of abundance and success. It is still baby steps at this stage, but after the destruction of all those many years past, it is safe to say now that the structure I am building from now is solid, and I have earned my place on this little empire of mine, never to let go of it for the sake of the pathological and chronic self sacrifice program. 

It's been done, I rejoice, every morning and every night, in the bliss of the beautiful heavenly divine spirit that runs through my veins, and I say Allah huuuuuu

Until we return home, this is the closest thing to it.

Thank you, ever so much, I am ready for more. 

The secret of the cave

The system that gave you the trauma will not give you the cure for it. Not the people, nor the community, not love nor friendship, not money nor places, not even spaces. The cure is outside of it, in a little escape, untouched by the system, no matter how the system tries. The cure is in your heart, through your breath. It is the secret door to the real power of you, unsaturated, untwisted, unclaimed. Claim it and be there, sit in an eternity of silence with it, and allow your true full and whole self to start growing, expanding your field, and growing higher and above all dense, thick, and dark realms that was once birthed in you. You are not that, you are a God, but the virus has gotten to your mind and the only escape is through your heart. Get in the cave, and unplug. Unhook yourself from the system, plug yourself into the real and actual source of it all, your true source, you are already whole, healed, healthy, perfext, and complete! Mute the mind for a while, or for as often as you can or feel like it, eventually, the heart will bring inside of yourself an activation that allows you to rise above all the lies, the illusions, the pains, and the insanities! And the good news is, you only ever have to truly do it just once, the rest will be history, this I promise you. But in any case, do you babe, do you, I love you still, and always will, regardless... Blessings on your journey!

The aftermath

Sometimes memories resurface to the front of my mind and I am remembered of certain words some people said to me in the past. Sometimes these words are those of the people who were once closest to me and dearest to my heart. Sometimes these words were uttered towards the end of the relationship, other times in the beginning, and sometimes in the middle of it; during heated moments, but also in peaceful times. I recall such events with utmost clarity and my heart goes out to me and them.

Just how their fragmented self and its inhabited demons kept telling them about me to distort an integrated, whole and loving reality. Keeping them stuck in their constructed hell realm, safe from my heavenly threat, and at the same attempting to fabricate a hellish field inside of me too, Trojan horse style, while oblivion prevailed.

I used to cry a lot, these days I don't. There might be some residue here or there, but after long years of grief, there's not much left now, and the road back to self love has been cleared, and I have been granted release.

I no longer attempt to defend the truth, or my image, or the reality, or the actual facts, or the narrative anymore. I listen to them acutely telling the stories and re-living their own versions of the events in real time, without interfering. I observe, I take mental notes, and I keep to my cleansed inner space, letting them to whatever world they choose to sustain at any given moment. 

This is my new love language at this stage, a sane love that doesn't attach, nor co-depend. 

I bless me and them in all of our choices and actions, and the repercussions of it all, for indeed we are all masters of our fate.

I tend to my inner baby and give it all the mightly love and the most gentle care it so badly needed and never got.

On that note, I plan on finally taking the blood type test soon, for that is indeed the beginning of it all, and it has been truly a very long time coming!

I will take it literally baby steps from here onwards. There is so much this baby needs, and there is a so much this woman has to give. 

Come now baby girl, time to start creating. We're working our hands on some new jewelry pieces today, we will eat light, and we will go on a whimsical walk in hellish streets keeping to our safe inner heaven, and the entertaining self chatters. I love you so! 

Apocalypse now

The sun hasn't risen from the west (yet), but the clouds have sure come up from the coast! I've seen it with my naked eyes, one early morning few days ago, on an exceptionally clear skied day. People are now praising God and this most special country for serendipity and the glory of it all, days after spotting the event in some social media posts!

A lot happens early in the mornings, but people are in deep slumber to notice any of it all. I gazed at the sun as it was rising today, I did not squint. It didn't require it, this is the case of the sun these days, or of anyone or anything for that matter. A Wizard of Oz revelation style; a mere mockery really of an actual world. Everything is factional, most especially the people, most especially those deeming themselves special! 

The irony again of it all, and them watching excessively and obsessively movies throughout their lives, "science fiction" and zombie apocalypses and whatnot, yet missing it as it happens under their noses in real-time. 

Talk about zombies, the roof over my head is holding still, but it might be only a matter of days or weeks now before it starts cracking ~ few pieces have chipped away already. This is my third year in a row here, and I tried everything with those responsible about this matter in the residential building; my own flesh and blood! Haha Did I say irony yet? I did nice, I did soft, I threatened, I plead, I begged, I took legal advice, I screamed and shouted and banged and knocked. Nobody's home! Shall I leave it be and allow karma to take its course? Let it fall, and let them pay the repercussions afterwards? But what about Dharma?!?!!

Oh words, thank you dearly, for I don't know what I would have done without you, probably self annihilation by oblivion and entropy, like most everybody else... God forbid! 

Time to start the day now, all hail cursed apocalypse land!

Captain of your ship

Everything and everyone is dissolving into thin air. 

It was always only just a mirage, 

and my own projections...

and some reflections. 

There is only ever just us anyway, our self with ourselves. Anything outside of that is but a mere delusion that feeds the system and keeps the tower of Babel in shape. 

One way or another, it all comes down. If not perceived from this reality, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen already in other dimensions. Soon, you'll catch up with it all, but for now, keep sailing... 

Ahoy captain!

Us and them

Journey through the many levels of their emptiness, wander in their many varied sections of their shallowness. Project not, for there is nobody home, but you know this already, baby girl. 

Bask in the fake white light of the early morning sun, gaze at your soul through every light and shadow reflected around you. The sun is not father, the earth is not mother, you are that and it, and the whole entire universe, sweet mama. 

Stretch your body, twist and bend, but don't you ever blend. There has only ever been just muddy waters, and you are the living water, precious goddess. 

Follow the breath, to you from you through you, this is today's prayer. 

I so love you!

Brace for last impact

IMPACT!!!

Trauma

Agony 

Suppression 

Amnesia 

Rememberence 

Forgive

Repeat.

IMPACT!!!

Trauma

Agony 

Suppression 

Amnesia 

Rememberence 

Forgive

Repeat.

IMPACT!!!

Trauma

Agony 

Suppression 

Amnesia 

Rememberence 

Forgive

Repeat.

Impact!!!!

Impact!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stick your realities up your asses now, I'm outta here! 

I've long been outta here, I just thought you were impacted like me, and I wanted to extend a helping hand. 

Oh how foolish and naiive of me. 

Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! 

Then you became the impacting objects, on repeat too, a lifetime of it! 

Oh God, the irony of it all!!!! 

Heavenize your hell all you want, me, I'm all done!

 So long and adieu and may we never catch each other, not in "hell", not in "heaven", not on your fucked up earth, not in your twisted reality of fantasm, not in my imaginary idealized world! 

It's only some time now until final evacuation...

Sovereign

Here comes the start of the ending of a self bullshitting and self fragmenting era. 

I birthed myself anew after 9 months of acclaiming my self-abandoned self. There's nothing glorious about killing your ego. It doesn't come with awards or rewards. You battle through the many stages of your ego death in total silence and utter humility. You swallow down all the bullshit you usually blabber out, and you shit it out. You clean your eliminating system after that. You do it methodically and repeatedly, in silence, with discipline, without background music.

You remain aware and conscious of any tempting thought or notion of glorifying anything outside of yourself. Any bigger "mission", or "purpose" or selfless, altruistic, "highest good" fuckery. You take notes of all of your dreams and all of your resurfacing memories, you say thank you for awareness, for discernment, for understanding, for the knowing. You don't give back anything, that's another scam. You remain in yourself, and you unfuck yourself from the fuckery that you were born into and the fuckery that you brought to yourself. A lifetime of it, and perhaps even lifetimes. You soldier through, without an example, without an idol, without a mentor, without an anchor. All these notions do is fool you some more. You rise with the sun, or before, and you get to work. 

Work your hands and mind and earn your keep but don't you dare hope, for hope is just another trick.

Just be, tend to your body, tend to your mind, tend to your place and space. And breathe, like your soul depends on it, because it does. Mind the breathing too, and teach yourself how to unshackle even more every new day and every single moment, tirelessly.

No glorifying end in the horizon to aspire for, 

only just serenity... 

and 

sovereignty!