It's been almost five weeks now. The rain came and went, then came again. I am sitting in my writing corner, same as it has been for so many years before, except, a lot has changed now. I did the ritual of smudging and burning incense yesterday around sunset, like the good old days. I said little prayers, the place and my body could do with loving thoughts and kind actions. I am looking out through the terrace door in the same old fashion, I have the door a little open so I could get the cold morning breeze and savor the petrichor. It's still quite wet outside, the city needed the washing for sure. One difference is clear though, I am finding it very hard to bring myself to "enjoy" anything at all. These small things used to bring content and joy to my heart, nowadays, I am continuously occupied and worried. Last thing I now have on my plate is the ceiling cracking problem. I have to go tomorrow to the municipality building and ask for an architect to come and inspect the building and the problem for us. It needs to be done by two people from the building, so unfortunately, I have to take a neighbour with me, and the one that I detest the most offered to join! It is yet again somebody else's fault, and I have to, yet again, pick up the crap! Daughter didn't bother herself report the problem to me when it happened in the recent months, nor sister to tell me about the big problems that the neighbours had faced in their places because of the big building's water tank above my roof, and its dreadful effect on some apartments, or to bother inspect our place here. After all, there isn't much to show off about doing the right, decent, and honorable action... I couldn't detest loud people more, and they're everywhere now, in all places, doing all sorts of loud, hollow actions, and I just won't start on the loud, hollow words department! I need and miss the quiet existence inside my own safe little world. But until then, I gotta make sure I have an actual safe, non-cracking ceiling, and walls!
Who would have thought that after all I have been through this year, I have to go through something such as this, with all what I had to deal with in this place alone thus far! But then again, these are the days, no time for complaining. I will only pause a little, sometime, some mornings, and vent a little, when it's possible. If some words, with a coffee, on a random morning is all I get once in a while, I will take the opportunity, gladly. I'm grateful for everything though, I am free after all, I couldn't have asked for more. Freedom has always come with a very high price, and I was always happy to pay it, and nowadays, well yes Sir, now more so than ever before, most especially because the going got tough! I got to keep going...
There's a pressing need for human connection though, and without that, I'm afraid havoc wreaks over my brain and system. I keep giving people chances, and they keep fucking me around. It's not intentional, they're just totally absent-minded, and have become soul-less. I cry often, it helps a little, and I pray, frequently.
I do miss the birds for sure, but I sighted different birds at different times getting curious about my existence, so there is hope. Perhaps I'll get a bird feeder, give my bitter sister downstairs a reason more to resent me. Did I mention daughter lives with her now, and her boyfriend? They're a happy family! Everyone got what they needed. Sister can now pretend she has the full life she always wanted, sickly!... But then the same can be said about both her patehtic, deranged boyfriend, and my poor ego tripping, lost daughter.
Ara says, "some people choose to eat crap over going hungry". Now I know exactly what he means by that. I miss him, it's been 6 or 7 years since we last met in person, he came to say goodbye to us here then, at this very place. But we talk very often, if not at these most strange and hardest times, then when. He's my only friend, in fact, friend is a small word for him. He is and has been much more than that. I say little gratitude prayers for his constant - though not physical - presence in my life.
I am tired and drained not just because I have been going non-stop physically for the last almost 2 and half months, but because I haven't been able to sit down and get creative since. Body and mind have been constantly preoccupied with things related to survival of very pressing nature. I usually struggle the most when I don't get to be creative / productive. But it's happening soon hopefully, yesterday I re-arranged the places of things once again. I now have settled for the identical setup that I used to have at the very start, 15 years ago. Back then I had returned with daughter from England for good, and after spending few months with my sister at her place, and almost losing my mind, I decided to move us, myself and Yasmina, up here to start our life anew. She had her room, and I had mine; one room fits all: my floor bed, my couch, my work station, my writing station. This also happens to be close to the time I got starting on the jewelry making journey, it was in Autumn 2008 when she started kindergarten, and I had found myself alone with some free time at hand for the first time in over 3 years then since she was born. And now, 15 years later, I'm alone with time on my hand, again, and I must venture and expand. 19 years in the making, I am fully and officially being released from my motherhood duty. I do not know where the road will take me, I just hope my aching heart would start healing, so I could set my spirit free again.
I still love waking up early, and in the city most especially, considering the (noise) pollution, now it's important that I stick to this routine, more so than ever. My ears haven't gotten used to the sounds yet, it's going to take me much longer than I thought, and I haven't been sleeping well or enough, napping is almost impossible too. Eventually, I will feel at home again, one day out of the blue. On another note, I've been going frequently to the stores, I did a couple of trips for work as well not just groceries, getting myself accustomed to things again, reminding myself of my old ways, the faces, the shops. I'm quite rusty, both physically and mentally, but at least, it's a start. A lot has changed, but a lot has remained the same too.
Big part of me striving on creativity has caused me to go totally blocked, stagnant, and eventually in so much pain, because of the tools that went extinct over the last 5 years, slowly but surely. What is an artist without tools after all!?! Whatever I have ever managed to achieve in the past, when it comes to success in business, was thanks to my creativity, grit, but mostly, tools! The banks, the shipping options, the access to abroad market, the access to local markets, the mobility, the exposure, the cash flow. Without these, which I started to lose bit by bit starting autumn of 2018, I couldn't achieve much. Earning my keep solely is the last of it, whatever right I was doing in that department all those years past - against all odds, was derived from my creativity and excitement in finding ways, loop holes, and solutions for the messed up, limited, and crippled system in this country and my own peculiar social situation. These days, I am trying to remind myself of that aspect of me, because although I seriously need to get back to the flow of things, I mean although I don't pay rent now, I still have bills to pay and food to bring to the table, still, the survival motive alone could never bring me to the state of mind / being I used to be at when I made it work for me in the past. I did it time and again, without education, without experience, without support, while being a total loner, an extra sensitive, an introvert, and a very independent creature at that... through creativity!
Long story short, I'm grateful I am in the city again, because... options and tools! I would have never thought I was such a city girl until all that has happened in the last 5 years, but especially 3 years. I learned so much about the world, people, and myself during that time. I need to rebirth myself again now, with all that has been learned, seen, experienced. I am still 42 after all, this still is the same year, we got 3 more months to go, and whatever I sensed and felt before about this year, has indeed materialized.
I am safe.
I am guided.
Amen.
Let's go baby girl, you got this!
And as Chris used to tell me when he'd see the spark in my eyes at the thought of some crazy, courageous, leap of faith action I had the itch to act upon:
"Let's do this shit, baby!"
(Another asshole that I miss.)
Let's do this shit indeed!..................
No comments:
Post a Comment