Spirals

Calm after the storm, at long last. 

I finally started to feel at home, having placed absolutely everything in their designated space. There's a little room for breathing now, stretching and dancing too, I'm grateful. I slept early, woke up early, had a good start of the week, that was yesterday. Come night time, and after already having winded down, I started to get alert again by midnight. I watched a movie, then I spent nearly two hours listening to different audios I've recorded of old "friends" on my phone. I laughed and cried... Oh how much has changed and how much has remained the same, in those years past! 

I'm on a Woody Allen movies watching spree, some I feel like re-watching, others I have discover. I haven't been able to bring myself to see anything in a long time, only just a specific kind of news and content. But I needed to look after my mind, I needed to balance those chemicals. I needed more types of Art, I needed to bring movies back to my life, for a certain kind of therapy. I started off by watching a movie I had on my to watch list for years, not being able to bring myself to watch it until just now. Mother, 2017. What a movie! I'm proud of myself having brought myself to see it all, and sit with all the pain it has triggered. But it wasn't just Mother, I was triggered by every character I saw on the screen, I related to them. Was it a mere coincidence, was I too emotional, or is it true that I have all these aspects in me and sides to me that I see a representation of in my favorite movies and favorite characters. In Husbands and Wives, I was Rain, Sally, and Judy! I am Mother in Mother. I am Truman in Truman Show. I am Annie Hall in Annie Hall, Alvy too... 

I thought I wanted an escape from myself and my own emotions, thoughts and feelings. I went to the movies, but then they brought more of that into the screen. There is no escaping this human existence, it's everywhere I go, I just need to find a way to organize things in my head about it. Come to think of it, now that we're close to the time it all happened last year, I have indeed lost my mind. 

I'm going to have to find new / old ways of putting things in their designated space, just like in the tangible world, like the physical home. My home is in chaos, time to start organizing and compartmentalising. 

Water the plants too, while I'm at it... 

A year ago, after an episode of indulging myself with pleasures, I went cold turkey, to balance things out. There has never been a middle ground for me. I always had a huge problem doing life, there has been only just extremes of pain, or pleasure. Pain was OK, I knew it inside out, and it me, but pleasure always came with a high price that I was almost never OK to pay. My spirit called for presence, and so I always had to heed the call. Pleasure was often too worldly, often time underworldly, when it involved people. Pleasure almost always involved people... Also addictions, food, and food addictions, and addiction to people. This paragraph here sums up all of my life, and this entire blog. 

A year ago, I said no, to addictions, people, over indulgences, escapes, and I wanted to tidy up and clear things in my head. Instead, I brought total drought. I wanted to keep to the simple things, and the basics. Home was it, Home was all that was needed, and she has been a big part of it, for so long. But she decided she wanted out, then at there, at my most vulnerable and sensitive time, she decided to withdraw. 

I had been suffering the withdrawals since... 

In one of my pleas I told them, straight and direct, I am losing my mind. 
In one of my pleas, I told them I was having a nervous breakdown. 
In many of my pleas, I begged them to go easy on me, my mind, my heart... 

They went to waste, 
I went to taste... 

But here I am, putting myself together, one piece at a time, moment by moment, as I recall how to do so, without the underworld interacting with my every step. For though the pain has been so very intense, but so was ascending... 

Today, Benjamin Clementine is my salve, and boost of feel good chemicals. 

It's OK to indulge myself in his soulful music, and my eyes with his beauty and grace. 

Later in this week, I will meet Mogdad. It's been 7 months since our last meeting. This isn't a new cicle, this is a different level of the spiral. 

The song playing now in the background is Last Movement of Hope, it has no lyrics. 

I love Benjamin to bits. 

and I am grateful...