The eclipse came and went, the storm came and went, the rain came and stayed, and I am happy, I am. It's the first time in a while, but another miracle happened; I am remembering who I am, and how I did my magic, all those decades past, keeping aloof while everything and everyone busy pulling me down. Perhaps what the eclipses of last Autumn started would end by this eclipse season. I am remembering my pre-revolution, pre-moves, pre-corona, pre-lockdowns, pre-explosion, pre-business collapse, pre-heartbreak self... and dare I say, it feels unfamiliarly safe, and warm.
It doesn't matter what walls are keeping me, whose ceilings I'm under, what building, what street, which neighborhood. It doesn't matter who does what to me, or whom says what about me, or around me. I am remembering how to regulate the chemicals in my brain all naturally, I am remembering how to work around the corruptions, the deceptions, the mischiefs. I am remembering how to shield myself against the manipulations, the distortions, the inversions. I'm recalling how to spot the aversions!
It's raining and it's beautiful, cleansing and cleaning. I am grateful for another miracle, for connecting, for ascending, for detaching, for the remembrance.
42 years in this existence madness, but I made it, every time, through every single cycle, one way or another. I just had to recall the untainted, pure, home space I used to embody. The heavenly, safe, Godly bubble I contained myself / used to be contained in. And I did, and I am.
I spent the weekend doing the small things that make me happy; cooking, baking, listening and moving to music, comforting old songs, exciting new songs. Taking photos, dry skies and wet skies, the sunsets and the sunshine on my little things, new nail polish color, new / old ways of thinking. I contemplated on the longing I have in me, I didn't push it away, I sat with it.
I had many interactions with different men and friends, I kept watchful of any exchange that brought me down. I got many invitations to coffee and lunches and dinners. None got me excited, I declined them all. I kept attentive and protective of my mind and heart, and physical space, it paid off. I sat with the needing and desiring, I can't settle for things anymore, the price has been too steep every time I did that in the past. I am connecting with myself truly, and remembering too, how to love myself. That famous flood of loving energy I'm known of, well I keep solely to myself nowadays. I only just need to re-wire my non-receiving self in a way to start receiving, so I can bask in it.
I dwelt on the trauma stuck in me, of not having being loved by mother, and having grown without directions, guidance, or any sense of self or self preserving concept. All the messed up situations it got me in, all the troubles, all the pain. I focused on where the trauma resides in my system, I brought attention to all parts of me that act out from lack of - and ultimate and desperate need for - nurturing. Also the aspect of me that excessively needs to do things on my own, recognising where and how I actually need - and can only thrive on - the other, through receiving, sharing, co-existing...
I am teaching myself how not to attach to people who trigger in me the same kind of response, emotions, and actions as my narcissistic mother did. I am wanting to break the old sickly patterns. I am learning how to keep my emphatic side to myself, nurturing and nourishing me, instead of others in the desperate hope of acceptance and love. I am stopping my past traumas from acting out in my present life.
I came up with a new useful tool in that aspect, I don't keep numbers of most people anymore - except work and family or convenience / logistics contacts - to stop myself from reaching out, needlessly. Whenever they themselves reach out, I ponder upon whether they put enough effort, and whether or not they're genuine and caring / giving in their approach, to consider reciprocating. When I spot out their typical self-centeredness, I disengage. I don't say much, I just don't interact or answer to silly, lazy, low effor, and hallow words anymore.
My politeness and gentleness has got me only so far! I am keeping space and remain open for the opposite, if at all it happens. Otherwise, I shall guard myself, like never before. Very occasionally I would block a person, but I did a few recently. Those are the ones who would go on ignoring all my boundaries after having, clearly, directly, and often repeatedly stated them, what I want or do not want, my desires and needs too. These are the vampire idiots usually relying solely on my good-heartedness and softness to get their own ways with their usual charm. Eventually, there won't remain any of these interactions, and I shall be forgotten as the naiive and exceptionally soft and easy trauma mama.
I sure am learning and have learned quite a bit about myself and people in the recent years. Now it's putting things to practice time.
The more I practice blocking out what I do not desire to have in my life, the more blessings I will welcome in, just like in the good old days, simple and straight to the point.
Only the longings will nag at me, and I'm learning how to be with them instead of attempting anything to escape them. I am also remembering how beautiful it used to be, the longing itself, for its a clear and loud sign of this human experience. And I am indeed fully here, just like I know I am going to be fully there, once I exit this realm...
This remembrance itself is the current manifested miracle,
and aren't I grateful!
Indeed I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment