"We're all mad here."

"We're all mad here", I only just happen to be the one pointing out the madness and being ostracized for it. 

I can not stop doing it, it keeps my madness at bay, pointing out to it, but what is truly madenning is the fact that they call me the mad one for it and carrying on with their pretend game. 

This celibacy journey of mine now ought to serve a very good purpose of figuring out my woundings that show up in relationships and dynamics. I have a long file of patterns that I could study. At the end of my study, I would have come up with lists of what works, what doesn't, and what is flexible and changeable. When I am going to eventually want to meet a man in the future, I will use my lists to be direct and clear about what and who I am, and what I would like to receive from our dynamic, and what I can and would like to give in it. What is a total no no, and stick my ground and perhaps too, most importantly, check to see if how aware is he with this madness existence or if he performs and pretends, in which case, I shall abort mission getting out celibacy. I'm too old for this shit at this stage but life seems to be still going and my system still seems to be wanting to do this togetherness thing. 

I'm mad indeed. 

Slumber no more

Six years of slumber comes to an end. Virgo men do the work with my soul and a karmic cycle comes to an end. One virgo man breaks my heart at the start of the cycle in summer 2019, when I have opened up my heart, house, and soul to him and his kids, and he shattered it all, mercilessly, heartlessly, without the least of manners, ethics, clarity, or any kindness whatsoever, leaving me in limbo, lost and confused for years on end. My last virgo man breaks my heart in the summer of 2025 and messes so very badly with it all; my home, my peace, my heart, my reputation, my soul. He did it so very harshly, aggressively, and inhumanely that there was a spark so big and so loud causing my soul to snap, and I have awakened. I am the master of grief and pain. I have learned through the experiences and the kind of people I put myself in dynamics with a massive amounts of lessons to bring about the exact level of intensity through shock and pain that I need to bring me out of this joke reality of fakery we call life. 

I am sometimes peace, love, and light, and thankful for their hearts and souls for having connected with me on such a deep level, other times I'm fuck you and your demons and your people and your glassy eyes and your icy hearts and your twisted minds and sick spirit! 

Fuck you Ghassan.

Fuck you Ali.

Fuck the demon that controls both you, I've recognized it all too well and played along and was played but snap! I woke up. May you rot in hell with your most evil ways if you persist on your dark endeavours, and may you heed the call of God if you ever dared or managed to listen. 

But that's not my business. 

So long and Adieu! 

I hereby announce myself free from all and any entanglements with any and all virgo men, for life. 

I hereby announce myself free from all and any attractions to narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, borderliners, freaks, perverts, weirdos, and all and any kind of heavily possessed people. 

I declare my new era of celibacy and I'm rejoicing in the peace of solitude and the quiet and truthful moments of simply existing, and in the realisation that there was never any kind of love from any side of all of these men that I have encountered throughout this 7 and a half years period since the grounds of my stable life started shaking. All these people ever do is see your own love and giving and mirror that back to you, while plotting on you and how to suck it all up, in the name of friendship, or romance. 

Fuck you too Jade, you're one hell of a sick person and I'm so glad I could finally spot you out and call you out on your bullshit and see you crawl back to where you came from instead of keeping on pretending and planning and manipulation all for your own gain. 

And if none of you people see any of your evil side and all the shitty stuff you've been causing people and entrapping them in, and if the voices in your head keep rooting for you and portraying you and the victim and the saviour, well then, fuck that voice too, and may your will and power to hurt more people, knowingly or unconsciously be revoked, and may you fail at every single plotting game you play against another human being. 

Enough already, and if there needs to be a slumber, may you be the ones who sleep in it, until you wake up to the horror done, and start making amends. 

I'm going to be peace, love, and light again in few days, but for now, this is due!

A muddy existence

A good representation of how life always felt for me is like being in a huge country sized mud pod, everybody stuck or sinking in it variably, and I happen to be standing on a tiny piece of the land in the middle. I could never go on with life watching them, I would reach out, with my hands and body, and it won't do. I would then always end up stepping in inside with them trying to pull them, whomever I happen to be loving then, and one way or another, I always find myself totally dragged inside to end up like everyone is them, sinking or stuck. Somehow I seem to be able to get myself back up on that tiny piece of the land in the middle. I repeat the pattern, every new comer who shows all signs to needing help. I reach out, mind, heart, body, soul, but then prefer bringing me down with them instead of stepping up. All they know is the mud, the mud is their life. They have all sorts of ways and types of enjoyment there that somehow their very psyche has shifted, and their reality is mud has become the life. It used to be fun at times, when I learned their ways and adjusted, but eventually the feel and taste and smell and heaviness and restrictions of the mud always gets to me and I find myself opting out. They seem to have decided to land in the mud and forgetting home, and I seem to have decided to land on the land and keep remembering home. On my dry little piece of land I now stand alone, it is not my job to reach to the mud, but to stand tall for all the see me and reach out to the land once they decide it is what they want, if they ever do. Otherwise, it is a solitary life for me from here onwards, for I had already seen it all, and I truly rather wait on the land instead of inside the mud until we go home, and we sure are going soon.

Unknown territory

Sunday came and left. I wallowed, but did not write. And I sunbathed, for a little while, on the terrace in my swimming suit. I missed him, a lot. And I missed the parts of me that used to feel mallow and contained when with him. 

Many relevations have come to me and are now active in my psyche, I'm processing things, all while addressing my addictions like I have never before. To say I'm having massive withdrawals would be an understatement. But I'm learning, trying, testing, pushing, seeing how far I can go if I stick with myself like I used to people, instead of abandoning myself. The pain is repelling, this I assure you. It's telling me a hundred different things, at random moments. If often screams and shouts too, it's very repulsive. No wonder I spent my entire life running away from it / me.

I sometimes wonder what my face and body would look like when the fat starts receeding. It's hitting me only lately that I am indeed in my 40's. Somehow all the years felt like one year. I have been stuck in the past, and the years passed me by. I have just been so full of bullshit to truly be in the present. That's decades of wallowing and numbing and self bullshitting. I am tired beyond words, and have gotten so very sick from the reality I have been creating that I decided to just stop. 

Here I am, in the pause phase, where my own reality is on hold, as I open up myself to the actual reality. It tastes so bitter, it's so indigestible, I do think however that I'm forcing my brain to create new ways to make do with this existence. I'm also remembering who discipline and routines always worked for me and had a numbing effect on it. I'm bringing back those, one thing at a time. 

I cried my heart out as I watched Elizabeth Gilbert talk about her last book last night, I'm crying all the time still anyway, in the midst of brining back my work routines and structures. 

My body feels utterly un-safe and overly alert and mind constantly sensing danger, because I'm not giving it food, nor physical intimacy. I am wanting to try full on sobriety again, it served me well before, let's see if I could see the light at the end of this most darkest tunnel. 

Ascension

(when I checked this once posted, I realized a big chunk of the writing at the start was gone. I went to my dashboard and looked through drafts, it is nowhere to be found, and I can't remember what I wrote in the heat of the moment, as usual, since this is totally spontaneous and unedited, so this is left as it)

I took, didn't want for things to change. I have defended my offenders. I hid my abusers. I was quite and docile. I forged my personality with my pertretors. I created order out of their chaos. I dismorphed my figure. I hid the abuse in the folds of my fat. In my bones, I kept the anger from daring to come to any surface. I curved my spine, I twisted my shoulders. My grey hairs aren't even spreading, keeping appearances game is on point. Beneath the surface though, it's a different story. My pubes have gone all grey already. But I kept my graceful smile. And I kept my labouring. Even after all that has happened, and I was left with nothing at all, they still required me to labor. I did it. But then God roared. He has been saying enough for quite a few years, I just couldn't know for sure. I just couldn't be certain. As usual, doubting the very loving voice within, for the sake of validating the hating voice without. This is how deep the abuse have been. 

When I was faced with apathy few days ago with one so called family member, I was shocked. These still shock me? Yes, every new relevation does. Any new unexpected person being exposed does disturb the little threads of peace I'm barely managing to put together. When another so called family member silenced me later in the day, I was shocked. Yes again. I would go on instantly validating their views usually, and attending to their needs, attuning to their wishes, speaking up but really only just wanting to make an agreement. 

Anything but disagreement, anything but conflict, anything but confrontation, pretty please! 

This, my friends, is how badly I have been abused. I did not know, I still don't know. So God is roaring in the faintest voice, in a whisper, and it's flipping the whole existence upside down. 

On the afternoon of that day, which was Sunday, my wallowing day, I went quiet. Totally quiet. I couldn't wallow, I couldn't write, but I contemplated, and let things be. By nighttime, I was sobbing uncontrollably. What happened between the afternoon and the night, is realising that my body felt totally frozen. It is the same taste under my tongue, that one since I was a child, the aggression and cold apathy when thrown at me, it feels as though huge body sized blocks of thick and heavy ice. It rests on my chest suffocating me, it blocks my moves, it turns and twists with its sharps edges scratching my skin, pruding into my flesh. I bleed in silence, but even my blood gets frozen. Everything is still, until I feel utterly unalive. 

In that utterly dead moment of total freeze in despair, disbelief, disarming, one single thought come along and warmed my heart and made me feel alive, the thought of someone the exact opposite of all those people, with untamed fire, so passionate, so wild, so raw and real, and me wanting that persob to squeeze me, and the hell out of that giant block of ice on me, to melt it away and rid me of its effect. It was the face of my last boyfriend, my latest narcistic, my last one. 

This is how bad the abuse have been. 

I cried for hours on end while my body shivered and jolted. God was whispering again, I was responding. There was nothing left to do. It is why when the last man came along with an unmatched fire, I was blinded again, because it fooled me. I come from the family of icy narcissists, they can not love. Physical affection is not a thing to them. And I had been starved! 

He comes rushing in with care and attention and presence and physical attention and constant closeness and humour and action and desire and passion and hope and forgiveness and gentleness and consistency, and I am swept off my feet, only just wanting more of of that which I have been starved from my whole entire life, and he has and was and gave in abundance.

But then God roared, ever so gently, to wake up already, and that time was running. 

I didn't understand the first time, I removed him unconsciously. Then second time, then third time, on and on it went. I can't even count how many times we broke up and came back together, stronger every time. Me with my attachment, him with his tactics. I would break up with him for sensing something off, but not being able to feel it in the body, for my body not just craved him, it got attuned to him, and eventually, addicted. It was like that love affair I had with the sugar brioche as a tiny little helpless child who felt utterly suffocated with the kind of evil that surrounded me at school, and how that little edible consumable thing became my solace, shield, and heaven, even if I had to suffer to attain it, or after consuming it.

When away from him I felt the aching pains of crying on the top of lungs as few months old baby left in the hospital with total strangers because my mother needed to offload me. When with him, I was learning about how tenderness feels as a safe baby inside it's mother's world. When with him, my pains and memories of abandonment and alienation were being replaced with all that was normal and I had never experienced before...

I learned how it could've been to be someone's partner when the intention was unity, not division, inclusivity not alienation, harmony not splitting.

I learned how it would have felt for my love to my mother to be reciprocated. I learned how it would have felt for any of my husbands to be protective. I learned how it ought to have felt for m daughter to have loved me, or at least, reciprocated my own love. 

My last narcistic showed me how it feels to be loved, and just how deprived I had been. "Show" is a good word because it was all an act, but it mattered little when compared with how deeply unconscious I have been, and how conscious this relationship has made me.

This is how bad the abuse have been. 

In the aftermath of it all, now, there is no separation from God and the reality. You either are in it, or inside your own reality. The devil, and the spirits, with the cooperation of ego, have sure made and excellent job keeping us inside our bubbles of distorted reality, anything to escape and see through the reality. I liked it there, I got so accustomed to the abuse it felt like home. So much so that my latest guy turned out to be the most lowest person I have ever encountered, the most abusive, with the lowest standards, devoid of values, highly and skillfully manipulative, utterly opportunistic, a total sociopath, yet, I would want to be with him, constantly and regularly, because the numbing effect he had on me was the brief breaks I would take from the excruciating pains of a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

But then, I awakened. It was spiritual, all this existence is, but also physical. He assaulted and beat me hard on our very last encounter. There was no way this contradiction wasn't going to shake me off, on several different levels. It did. 

So my dear friends, trauma on all children turning adults doesn't always turn them into ice like it did with my own family, sometimes it turns them into melting hot fire. I did not know. I haven't encountered a lot of people or seen different patterns throughout my life. I was forever naiive although turning from maiden to mother. 

On my way to become a crone, it seems to have been enough for me. For God's voice became louder inside of me, and by then, God wasn't just talking to me, he was showing me too. 

I came to realize that this indeed is the land of the devil, and that we are indeed in the underworld. All that happens here is meticulously engineered to produce loosh (the lowest frequency energy) for the devil and its ones to feed on. For that to work, there needs to be an ultimate inversion, and so, as a rule of thumb, all of this existence is inverted. 

Until, now. 

It is as though there has been put a time limit for this existence, whereas it ran freely endlessly before then, or so it felt.

It is a frightening time, don't think for even a split of a second I wanted out of my reality. It was home, and all I knew, I wanted my abusers around me, serving them has became my personality and character, whom I was and what I did. 

But! 

The Inversion has started to being inverted, gently and slowly over the recent years, but harshly and briskly at this stage. 

And so, for the very first time in my life, I am being forced to look straight at the pain, see it for what it is. And I'm gutted. I was totally shielded from it, for I have been running on auto-pilot most of my life. 

Now that I see it, I can sure tell you, it's ugly, it's bad, it's disgusting and revolting!

Back to the inverting of the inversion, and what it's doing, and what it means. All those seemingly tame and harmless victims I dedicated my whole life loving and standing up by and defending and dedicating myself for, are coming out as who they truly are; the defenders, the abusers, and help me God, for the scene is extremely hard to look at, and the reality almost impossible to swallow.

But there are no corners left to escape to anymore, there's nothing to hide under anymore. The light is coming through so very brightly, reaching long and wild, nothing to hide under anymore, even for just a little while.

Exposure is the title of this phase. 

Try as you might,

Your reality will be shattered, whomever you are, or think that you are. 

Brace for the impact,

This  

 is 

Ascension!

Reboot

I shall try and keep the wallowing for Sundays only, here we go. 

Another start, still grieving, but learning to resist less, and be open to receiving all the downloads, messages, insights. Flashback mode on. Vivid dreams mode on. 

I cut out sugar for good this week. I was having very little towards the end anyway, it's been my number 1 addiction throughout my life. I nearly lost it this morning though, but I went out and gotten myself dates. Nervous system can have a little break again! I'm sipping on my sugar free hot chocolate, while fan speed is full on and a cool September breeze coming in through the windows. 

I don't see people anymore, I've cut off almost everyone I know. There was nothing in it for me anyway, all those encounters, I had just been programmed and wired to run on extremely off nervous system, and so the stress of not receiving, and for my effort, energy, and love, never to be reciprocated, has been one major addiction of mine. I was oblivious to it all. Thankfully though, I've become conscious.

My body is in extreme pain, all of it, chronic fatigue and years, even decades old pain are all been activated simultaneously. Whatever I was busy pushing down, came out rushing, the moment I said: enough. 

There isn't much I'm capable of achieving at this stage, I pray. My prayer is celibacy, fasting, and silence. These are the three pillars I now live by. God doesn't just come to me, God is within me. I've been cleaning the vessel, and now it's being purified. Default setting shall be restored fully soon. In the meantime, there's crying, and purging, and crying through purging, and purging through crying, and,  remembrance...

I could write essays on the remembering part alone, but that's for another time. I'm often thankful and grateful, for I have been found, and made to remember. It was a short call from falling and disappearing, but there has been divine intervention, numerous ones. I now bask in the grace of it all. 

There is constant shivering, body jolting and shaking, as though pushing out all of that stagnant pain and toxicity, all of that which I have held within that was never mine to begin with. Sometimes it's low and manageable, other times it's very wild and powerful. I simply allow it to be, I simply allow me to be. 

One thing for sure, I am never to doubt myself again, that inner voice, my intuition, has always been on point. I was simply made to question my mere existence all the time, thanks to a lifetime of gaslighting, abuse, maniplulation, discard, neglect, through almost all of the people I have known, especially family, especially husbands, especially partners, and friends!

I live in peace no as the noise of it and them all has been reduced first, then eradicated. I was never up to the noise nor the chaos to begin with. I have always been about sounds. Mine, and theirs. All they wanted to ever do was create chaos through noise, and noise through chaos, anything to mute the bliss, anything to avoid facing the reality. 

The more clean the vessel has become, the clearer it reflected back to them their own reality, and they hated me for it. And so, I started to have enemies for the first time in my life. Being truly hated, rejected, punished, silenced, for merely mirroring to them who they were, despite my love to them through it all...

I now get it, all of the pain they inflicted on me! Now I know, I no longer wonder in despair, nor wanting closures, or looking for answers. 

I am relieved, and humbled. 

Thank you, thank you.

I didn't just start living this solitude life, it has always been only myself anyway. All the relationships and dynamics and a lifetime of events and day-to-day living, and all the milestones. I have always been the one in charge of it all, I have been the one making, creating, working, putting in the time, the energy, the effort, the hope, the goals, sharing the successes, processing and transmuting the failures. I have been the one showing up, uplifting, encouraging, forgiving, forgetting, forging, coaching, mentoring. I have been the only one holding space. I have been the one seeing through. I have been the one loving. I have been the one believing. I have been the love. But a lifetime of being projected on by evil embodied beings messes badly with one's mind!

Thankfully though, I have remembered and am remembering. 

I no longer chase hope nor wanting to see change. I quit this game. I let them play by their own rules and through their own ways, and I keep my own knowing of it all being just a game to myself. Whatever it is they think or feel, I validate that for them. I simply just let them.

All these past cycles, starting and ending, I now know what it was all about. I rejoice in silence, and I say a little prayer of gratitude ever so often, throughout my day. 

I have been more than blessed, despite the blinding grief.

My prayer is a never ending thank you...