The brain

The thing that got damaged by a lifetime of abuse, is the very thing that is required to get me out of the damage itself, is the very thing that is behind my earning my keep, it is also the very thing that I've often needed to numb me out of the pain of abuse, is the very thing that is supposed to help me learn, expand, and ascend, is the very thing responsible for comfort and pleasure, is the thing for both surviving and thriving, is the very thing that through fine tuning gets to help transcend this very damaging realm. 

It is no wonder that I have taken naturally and organically the path of cleaning my brain, although I wasn't aware what I was doing at the time. It is also no wonder every now and then I have an urge to numb, use, and self abuse. 

This journey of self healing is of utmost sensitive nature, and although I stumble and fall and mess up more often than I would ideally want to, I still come back to it, and sometimes it's only just hope and belief, for I am indeed so very tired, a lifetime of tiredness, disregulation, and attempts at regulation. 

It is fair to say that I am an absolute different person since I've cut out sugar completely from my system 6 months ago. I am still falling on breads and dairy, which they have to go too, one thing at a time, for indeed there is no need anymore to fall, or fall on anything at all for that matter. 

Catch me if you can

I've been told lately by many people that I've lost weight, this usually means I lost a lot, because little or average amount doesn't make a big different in my looks. I didn't realize it myself if it wasn't to those remarks, since the number one important component of drastic weight loss is usually feeling fresh and light in my body. Because that didn't happen this time around, I couldn't perceive the weight loss. But now after inspection, it's hitting me that I have indeed lost a lot of weight and seems like I am still losing more, and I'm absolutely happy and excited, since my body has been stagnant and blocked for years on end, still I had to question why is it that I don't feel it in my body. Well first of all, all the chronic pains from the years past, and all the new crippling ones from the recent events and mostly last year, are still very much there and almost always activated. Secondly, I believe I am still disassociated somewhat; it feels as though there's a little gap between myself and my body, this is why moving feels as though I am dragging it, and as though it is lagging. It is why I love walking a lot, because despite the painful and timely preparation to leave the house, the heaviness and the pains while moving, the absolute exhaustion afterwards, I still somehow feel like I am doing it with my body, and I am one with it in those moments of walking. It is also why I am trying to bring back the dancing routine, for I can't be just in my body when it requires heavy work (yes walking has been feeling like that nowadays), but also in the soft and pleasurable moments, and ultimately, in the pause, and stillness. This proves one thing for sure, the more you think you've healed, the more there is to heal! One does not realize just how messed up existing in this reality is, or even how much labor and work coming out of some of its entrapments requires. Still, I am grateful, for even managing to escape some of its many tentacles, and I carry on the work every moment, of every day, as long and as much as I can, until ultimate liberation. But for now, being slippery, smoother, and thinner seems to be doing the trick of being uncatchable! 

Huuuu

Beautiful daily births of new days come and go, nobody hardly ever watches them over here. I make sure I wake up early enough to witness them, despite the extremely cold weather at this odd time of the year. 

The apocalypse continues, but I learned how to anchor myself, despite all the many different levels of madness and chaos all around. 

My brain is healing too, it isn't just my body, despite the foginess and the heaviness still, but at least my memory is returning, and I am able to recall how my mind used to work when it comes to work. I am finally able to be productive and creative again, in my old fashion, creating beautiful flowy realms of abundance and success. It is still baby steps at this stage, but after the destruction of all those many years past, it is safe to say now that the structure I am building from now is solid, and I have earned my place on this little empire of mine, never to let go of it for the sake of the pathological and chronic self sacrifice program. 

It's been done, I rejoice, every morning and every night, in the bliss of the beautiful heavenly divine spirit that runs through my veins, and I say Allah huuuuuu

Until we return home, this is the closest thing to it.

Thank you, ever so much, I am ready for more. 

The secret of the cave

The system that gave you the trauma will not give you the cure for it. Not the people, nor the community, not love nor friendship, not money nor places, not even spaces. The cure is outside of it, in a little escape, untouched by the system, no matter how the system tries. The cure is in your heart, through your breath. It is the secret door to the real power of you, unsaturated, untwisted, unclaimed. Claim it and be there, sit in an eternity of silence with it, and allow your true full and whole self to start growing, expanding your field, and growing higher and above all dense, thick, and dark realms that was once birthed in you. You are not that, you are a God, but the virus has gotten to your mind and the only escape is through your heart. Get in the cave, and unplug. Unhook yourself from the system, plug yourself into the real and actual source of it all, your true source, you are already whole, healed, healthy, perfext, and complete! Mute the mind for a while, or for as often as you can or feel like it, eventually, the heart will bring inside of yourself an activation that allows you to rise above all the lies, the illusions, the pains, and the insanities! And the good news is, you only ever have to truly do it just once, the rest will be history, this I promise you. But in any case, do you babe, do you, I love you still, and always will, regardless... Blessings on your journey!