Whomever is going through life and witnessing all that is happening in the world at large at the moment and haven't lost their mind, they themselves are the crazy ones. I am not crazy.
the level of awareness I have and with my eyes wide open, heart and soul on point, it's very testing and quite a challenge having to do the survival things, and focus on the small picture, and the distracting day to day actions. Everyone's distracted, so many distractions. They glorify their gain in the system, well done you, what a genius, devil approved for sure, keep selling your soul away. Don't you bother attempt deciphering what is what, keep watching the news, keep taking sides, keep sharing stories and posts, keep calculating the good deeds, that should get you to Heaven for sure.
All the ranting aside, I really must work, I need to make money. I don't know how to move from here when the only thing I've managed to do effortlessly for the past year is to write. Everything else has been forced and a real struggle. I can't keep on being the violinist in the sinking titanic. I got to help out, scream, shout, attend to someone, do something! I can't go on with my life as though nothing is happening or is going to happen, and get busy with a business or an art fair, or a stupid social media account, and handle ignorant customers. I need for my art to speak for me, I lack the courage to write and make / sell what I truly wish to share. I'm torn between the pressing need to share my art and allow creativity to flow through me and out, and wanting to be left totally alone, not be seen, not get exposed to the mass.
There are a lot of daring thoughts and daring words and daring art projects in mind that need to come out of me, but I don't think I can handle the attention. I wish to do all of that without it been linked to me, I don't want people, period. This is a mixture of childhood trauma and deep rooted insecurity in a crowd, and a true knowing that such work would give people even more reasons to get in touch with me which I don't wish to attract or allow. I see through all people's bullshit, though I can't communicate with them on their high level of absurdity and superficiality!
I am wanting to write the book, I have never felt more ready, there are many different approaches to doing it, I've been brainstorming, and I can't decide on or settle for only just one style. The blog can be easily deleted by google any time, I want something printed, a tangible work, that should become my biggest craft. Something I can and people could hold with their hands. I don't only just have one book idea, there are several books in me.
I am thinking about Chris a lot lately, he's crossing my mind frequently. I wonder if that's him thinking about me and me picking it up. It happens often that I get that from people. It was the anniversary of our first meeting not so long ago anyway, this is the time of the year when everything is so alive and sentimental. On 10th October 2010 I saw him for the very first time, when he came to spend a week with me, after having been very close online friends for a year and a half, and after expressing his feelings for me, and I reciprocating it. That day was the official start of our journey together. I don't think I ever loved anyone more than I did Chris.
My mind is very erratic because of all of the bad stuff I binged on yesterday. I got to stop, there isn't much time left now for my stupid emotional eating. Better shape up and stay alert and on guard. Also, create and keep creating, the only way I could tolerate this living and make sense of it. Through my own creation, to counteract all the evil, hallow, and shallow energy sucking contents created in the world every split of a second.
Perhaps at least then I would be able to say I did my part.
Perhaps then, I would have indeed turned the page.
And detached,
so I can ascend,
ready for the end.
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