The aftermath

Sometimes memories resurface to the front of my mind and I am remembered of certain words some people said to me in the past. Sometimes these words are those of the people who were once closest to me and dearest to my heart. Sometimes these words were uttered towards the end of the relationship, other times in the beginning, and sometimes in the middle of it; during heated moments, but also in peaceful times. I recall such events with utmost clarity and my heart goes out to me and them.

Just how their fragmented self and its inhabited demons kept telling them about me to distort an integrated, whole and loving reality. Keeping them stuck in their constructed hell realm, safe from my heavenly threat, and at the same attempting to fabricate a hellish field inside of me too, Trojan horse style, while oblivion prevailed.

I used to cry a lot, these days I don't. There might be some residue here or there, but after long years of grief, there's not much left now, and the road back to self love has been cleared, and I have been granted release.

I no longer attempt to defend the truth, or my image, or the reality, or the actual facts, or the narrative anymore. I listen to them acutely telling the stories and re-living their own versions of the events in real time, without interfering. I observe, I take mental notes, and I keep to my cleansed inner space, letting them to whatever world they choose to sustain at any given moment. 

This is my new love language at this stage, a sane love that doesn't attach, nor co-depend. 

I bless me and them in all of our choices and actions, and the repercussions of it all, for indeed we are all masters of our fate.

I tend to my inner baby and give it all the mightly love and the most gentle care it so badly needed and never got.

On that note, I plan on finally taking the blood type test soon, for that is indeed the beginning of it all, and it has been truly a very long time coming!

I will take it literally baby steps from here onwards. There is so much this baby needs, and there is a so much this woman has to give. 

Come now baby girl, time to start creating. We're working our hands on some new jewelry pieces today, we will eat light, and we will go on a whimsical walk in hellish streets keeping to our safe inner heaven, and the entertaining self chatters. I love you so! 

Apocalypse now

The sun hasn't risen from the west (yet), but the clouds have sure come up from the coast! I've seen it with my naked eyes, one early morning few days ago, on an exceptionally clear skied day. People are now praising God and this most special country for serendipity and the glory of it all, days after spotting the event in some social media posts!

A lot happens early in the mornings, but people are in deep slumber to notice any of it all. I gazed at the sun as it was rising today, I did not squint. It didn't require it, this is the case of the sun these days, or of anyone or anything for that matter. A Wizard of Oz revelation style; a mere mockery really of an actual world. Everything is factional, most especially the people, most especially those deeming themselves special! 

The irony again of it all, and them watching excessively and obsessively movies throughout their lives, "science fiction" and zombie apocalypses and whatnot, yet missing it as it happens under their noses in real-time. 

Talk about zombies, the roof over my head is holding still, but it might be only a matter of days or weeks now before it starts cracking ~ few pieces have chipped away already. This is my third year in a row here, and I tried everything with those responsible about this matter in the residential building; my own flesh and blood! Haha Did I say irony yet? I did nice, I did soft, I threatened, I plead, I begged, I took legal advice, I screamed and shouted and banged and knocked. Nobody's home! Shall I leave it be and allow karma to take its course? Let it fall, and let them pay the repercussions afterwards? But what about Dharma?!?!!

Oh words, thank you dearly, for I don't know what I would have done without you, probably self annihilation by oblivion and entropy, like most everybody else... God forbid! 

Time to start the day now, all hail cursed apocalypse land!

Captain of your ship

Everything and everyone is dissolving into thin air. 

It was always only just a mirage, 

and my own projections...

and some reflections. 

There is only ever just us anyway, our self with ourselves. Anything outside of that is but a mere delusion that feeds the system and keeps the tower of Babel in shape. 

One way or another, it all comes down. If not perceived from this reality, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen already in other dimensions. Soon, you'll catch up with it all, but for now, keep sailing... 

Ahoy captain!

Us and them

Journey through the many levels of their emptiness, wander in their many varied sections of their shallowness. Project not, for there is nobody home, but you know this already, baby girl. 

Bask in the fake white light of the early morning sun, gaze at your soul through every light and shadow reflected around you. The sun is not father, the earth is not mother, you are that and it, and the whole entire universe, sweet mama. 

Stretch your body, twist and bend, but don't you ever blend. There has only ever been just muddy waters, and you are the living water, precious goddess. 

Follow the breath, to you from you through you, this is today's prayer. 

I so love you!

Brace for last impact

IMPACT!!!

Trauma

Agony 

Suppression 

Amnesia 

Rememberence 

Forgive

Repeat.

IMPACT!!!

Trauma

Agony 

Suppression 

Amnesia 

Rememberence 

Forgive

Repeat.

IMPACT!!!

Trauma

Agony 

Suppression 

Amnesia 

Rememberence 

Forgive

Repeat.

Impact!!!!

Impact!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Impact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stick your realities up your asses now, I'm outta here! 

I've long been outta here, I just thought you were impacted like me, and I wanted to extend a helping hand. 

Oh how foolish and naiive of me. 

Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! 

Then you became the impacting objects, on repeat too, a lifetime of it! 

Oh God, the irony of it all!!!! 

Heavenize your hell all you want, me, I'm all done!

 So long and adieu and may we never catch each other, not in "hell", not in "heaven", not on your fucked up earth, not in your twisted reality of fantasm, not in my imaginary idealized world! 

It's only some time now until final evacuation...

Sovereign

Here comes the start of the ending of a self bullshitting and self fragmenting era. 

I birthed myself anew after 9 months of acclaiming my self-abandoned self. There's nothing glorious about killing your ego. It doesn't come with awards or rewards. You battle through the many stages of your ego death in total silence and utter humility. You swallow down all the bullshit you usually blabber out, and you shit it out. You clean your eliminating system after that. You do it methodically and repeatedly, in silence, with discipline, without background music.

You remain aware and conscious of any tempting thought or notion of glorifying anything outside of yourself. Any bigger "mission", or "purpose" or selfless, altruistic, "highest good" fuckery. You take notes of all of your dreams and all of your resurfacing memories, you say thank you for awareness, for discernment, for understanding, for the knowing. You don't give back anything, that's another scam. You remain in yourself, and you unfuck yourself from the fuckery that you were born into and the fuckery that you brought to yourself. A lifetime of it, and perhaps even lifetimes. You soldier through, without an example, without an idol, without a mentor, without an anchor. All these notions do is fool you some more. You rise with the sun, or before, and you get to work. 

Work your hands and mind and earn your keep but don't you dare hope, for hope is just another trick.

Just be, tend to your body, tend to your mind, tend to your place and space. And breathe, like your soul depends on it, because it does. Mind the breathing too, and teach yourself how to unshackle even more every new day and every single moment, tirelessly.

No glorifying end in the horizon to aspire for, 

only just serenity... 

and 

sovereignty!