Quiet!

I was totally oblivious to the horrors happening in the weekend past until Tuesday afternoon. The irony of posting the Spirals post on that specific day... What timing! There is no escape, I went back to square one again. I've been bed ridden since Wednesday, extreme fatigue, and excruciating pain in my neck, and shoulders. I'm so stiff, I could hardly move. I bought myself the cheapest drug to numb myself: bread and cheese. I can't tolerate either, and so I've clogged and blocked my system! needed moments of not feeling things anymore. Too much suffering in the world, madness, chaos, and unconsciousness! I'm at my wits' end. 

There was no visiting the Municipality, no sorting out of the pressing ceiling and walls problem; they're closed, until further notice! The committee in the building couldn't care less, neither does my dear neighbouring sister. What more can this weary mind and ultimately wrecked body take?! A responsibility of one more matter faltering on my guard?! My inability of rescuing it might be the last push for me to totally lose it, I can't have another failure, I'm barely holding on lately. 

I decided that if I remove myself from the place, though I had settled to stay, for a very, very long time - then perhaps I would have less things to worry about. If I could only detach from it, not consider it my own, maybe. I need to only just worry about myself for now, for a while anyway, my mind, my body, my work! I haven't managed to work in months on end. I need to earn my keep!!! But if I detach, then perhaps I would feel lighter and I would have more energy to spare on myself. Because, seriously, I am not doing well... I am so tired from not doing well for so long at this stage. 

And then, there comes the war, and it's getting closer and closer. Everything is closing up on me, I feel suffocated, but it won't end just yet. And I can't see people, I am not feeling stable at all. But I need to see people, because I am losing it on my own. 

Perhaps I use this as a stepping stone instead of the forever home. Perhaps this is a transition. I need to latch on to something though, anything at all, to keep me going. I am not able to get to my workbench at all. I'm frozen! 

Perhaps I could write for a living. 

If only there was an Exit push button. 

I am just wishing and waiting for the rain now, plenty of it, storms too, where people would get locked in. So I could enjoy for a while at least a bit of silence and quiet. I'm unable to think, I'm unable to function, the city is overbearing. I can't be doing this to myself agaig; looking for an ultimate place, an ultimate space... I am only just running away from my pain. I need soothing, I need people. No, I need special connections, intimacy, quiet moments, touch, whispers, gentle sayings, and kind doings. This place is fucking up with my mind again. I am missing Chris so much, and perhaps it is the memories I have of him in every corner here, perhaps I am in touch with my very deep and supressed need for companionship, and this place and the times now are just bringing these up to the surface. I am feeling lonely, for the first time, in a very long time. Truly lonely, not in need for noise and fillers, only just for true, close connection, and intimate interactions. And knowing... I miss being seen and known. I am tired from my monologues, falling in love with people's very details, knowing them inside out, their glorious aspects, their darkest sides and imperfections too, loving all of them, writing about and dwelling on them. I am tired from the one sidedness, I spent one long life doing that. I am tired, if it's going to end now, let me try to do it on a high note. Let me enjoy the embrace of someone's passion and tenderness. 

I bled like crazy this week, I shall stop soon, perhaps tomorrow, with the eclipse. I am not looking forward to that eclipse, nor the one after that, most especially not that other one. But I keep going, perhaps it lasts only for a short while now, but maybe too for some other 42 years!

Oh God if I could shut this mind, shut this system for a while. 

Quiet please, 

please....

please.