Integration

It's a peaceful day, I haven't felt as quiet and as calm inside in a while. A lot of it has to do with going out and finally finishing some over due work trips and errands, but also the fact that I am back actively to my jewelry work bench. I worked for several hours yesterday and today, and I didn't feel the pains. I have been a little bit apprehensive about getting back on track, as I've injured my shoulder badly few months back, and it never healed. 

I have forgotten how therapeutic it is being there; the creativity flows effortlessly. There's healing beyond simple words could possibly describe. With every little piece created, and through all the little steps taken in the procedure, a release of massive energy takes place. I was reminded of the pure bliss I used to feel in my most creative, most productive days behind my work bench years ago, they used to involve my family life with Chris. Isn't it something that I keep processing, dealing with, and releasing, all things emotions, feelings, and affections that has to do with Chris! You would think it should be well over and behind now, I did too, but it's not. 

There are parts of me I've let go of, the moment I've let go of Chris. I am claiming those parts back now, though it's a very painful process, and I had thought I was done with the most painful phases before.

Putting together one's broken pieces is never easy. I am very broken; a big part of my very soul left with Chris, and I need all of my being to be full and complete again. Perhaps then I will be able to stop all the many self destructive coping mechanisms. Perhaps with every new jewelry piece I create now, a little something of me will be integrated again.

I need something to consume all of me, like my love and devotion and dedication for Chris used to consume me all and keep me alive. I haven't even come close to finding my true writing voice yet, but at least my hands can work other things, until then. 

There's a beautiful cool breeze, and though I have the heater on, the window is open. I've been puffing more cigarettes. That oral fixation of mine!

I can hear beautiful silence, and the owl just howled...

I'll go to my bench now, a specific piece in mind is calling.