Longing

It's painful waking up to the reality of this country every new day. Yesterday was a very hard day to swallow. It is as though we are kids locked inside a house with abusive parents, with no escape, and our cries goes by unheard. 

The Lebanese currency has hit another new record low, and things keep getting worse and worse by the day, and sometimes the hour. Nobody and nothing is ever stopping the damage, or at least slowing the pace. As a lone parent of an adolescent, I am feeling very insecure and unsafe. If things can get that bad, that fast, with no objection whatsoever, then I wonder just how much more bad there is in store for us the Lebanese. 

I've never felt any belonging to this country, and it never mattered because it was never made to be home for anyone. Such a cold, cold, and very sad land!

We're closing a cycle this week, I remember vividly the events of last March, and the days leading up to the most apocalyptical day in my adult life, the spring equinox, March 21st. I went out with Yas for a walk, and the streets were scarily empty and devoid from any sign of life. We picked wild flowers from the bushes on the side of the roads, we marveled at the grey skies, and we returned home to put our flowers in vases and enjoy a mother's day celebration like no other.

It wouldn't be so accurate if I say I am depressed, because these unprecedented days are exceptional on our mental health and nervous system. It is fair to say, however, that I am feeling very low, so low and weak. I've fought so many battles in my life on the personal level, and I pushed even harder in 2019, so that I could lead a somewhat stable, more peaceful life in 2020. 

The irony of this existence is wearing off, I now need more so than ever before to be united with and consumed by which and whom I am passionate about. A soulless existence on this land could leave me sane for only a short while.