Des-pair

I woke up this morning with an overbearing desire to be contained. The need to be contained once I became a grown up was never met, and so I stopped attuned to the luxury of such a need a long time ago. Every now and then though the desire surfaces, I allow myself to lament in the emotion for a while, until I curb it again. My ways are not very orthodox, I am an emotional eater after all. I have been overeating my way through this most nerving year of the so called pandemic. This morning was a typical morning in that sense, despite my successful attempts at eating clean this week. It's my father's birthday, and it's rather overwhelming how many special days there are in this month, it only just occurred to me. Father would have turned 79 today, but he will remain 57 always, and at times, younger too. 

Woman's Day on 8th 

Teacher's Day on 9th 

Father's birthday on 19th 

Mothers Day and equinox on 21st. 

Many friends too... 

I ordered knefe, eclairs, and shaabiyet, and I stuffed my face with them. Now I am feeling very low but a tingling sensation in my body is taking place, sugar rush, everything rush, and it feels good. This here is my drug, and perhaps I am attempting to get away from it by adding other substances, smoking and coffee and alcohol. Nothing seems to work though, nothing is working on my body and system like food does. 

This week in particular I am experiencing some sort of despair, I am often finding myself wasting time, and contemplating the nothing and everything, for no purpose and without aim whatsoever. Needless to say, I was not productive.

I am tired from having to be strong and carry on as if things are OK so that I don't freeze, when things are beyond bad. I wrote several different paragraphs yesterday, only to delete them, because I simply wasn't able to write coherently. 

I suppose I am doing the same again now, I will post anyway, and retire to the living room, and binge watch the hell out of shows, to take my mind away from this present moment... 

Happy birthday Father, I miss you every day!