The detachment seems to have been moving towards its end, when I saw signs, had hunches, and followed them, they lead me to a newly married Ali, two months after our breakup!
I am delighted for him, I am, because that's what truly he ought to have gotten himself in, inside the dynamic and social status he so longer sought, but sacrificed for the sake of being with me. It is true that I have been objectified, triangulated, manipulated, and all the other technical terms used in narcissism, and when we spoke yesterday, prolongly, it was so very proven to me how absolutely every gut feeling I ever had wasn't from nothing. But what is also true is that I had done so much healing before I had met him, and by the time I was with him I was doing me, and he was doing him, and we were worlds apart, in consciousness, in life experience, in ambitions and goals and ways of life, but the hearts were close, so very close, and the souls too. We had both abandoned ourselves for the sake of doing union.
His talk yesterday, his words, the passion in his voice, his sadness and frustration and his excitement were all a very clear sign of a highly attached person, and rightly so, a man in his 30's ought to be so full of ambition, and a very loving, romantic, and tender one is bound to be in matrimony if he so longed for, like he did. I felt relieved to find out that I had released him from the entanglement with me when I went total no contact for that period, it pushed him to find what he was seeking in us, and learning the news has released me too from my own attachment, making it, under the light of the latest cosmic events too, a most liberating thing. There is no process in the head, I can see it so very clearly, I can process it in the body with ease, that big chunk of trauma wound of abandonment, that has controlled me my whole entire life, all actions, all relationships, all dynamics and affairs.
I thanked him a million times, alone and when I spoke to him, for he moved me like I had never been moved, for relating to me, for wanting me, chasing me, loving me and our moments and things and ways, and although it is so very clear now that the IT we were doing was more important to him than me, and that this used to have a counter-effect, and created the split of feeling both chosen yet abandoned at the same time which was utterly horrifying and brought new materials into my existing trauma, but if it wasn't for him wanting that thing so bad and us having a chemistry so strong, he would not have chased me the way he did, and I would not have experienced what I needed to in this last phase of closing down my karmic cycle.
I also had to thank the spirits, in silence, for they indeed had helped achieve great results. I got so caught up with them sensing their nuances and distractions and interferences, but they were only really just achieving a job and a mission they had been set out to do, both by us and the universe, simultaneously.
The beauty of this non-separateness and me being able to finally being brought out from myself into the unity of it again, and the sensation in my body and all the remembering in my psyche that we are all one indeed, and that I don't need any outside proof of it, had brought the long lost love and peace inside of my chest again, and I was able to release myself and my few people of the pressure of wanting or needing them to fill an active role of being present for me, in normal life in general, but mostly in my crisis that lasted on and off 7 years, but more urgently and catastrophicly so in the recent 3 years.
We're all "sinning" differently but yet find ourselves shaming others for "sinning" differently.
For the first time it's hitting me and I am catching up finally with my age. I feel as though I had made a fool of myself having engaged so very deeply with all those younger men, having loved them and allowing them to love me. That which I was so very desperately seeking has already always been inside of me, I had only just been locked out by a surmountable amount of grief, that never seemed to have an end...
Until now.
Thank you most graceful and unstable man, you have summed up to me this whole existence and all of my people and relationships and trauma wounds, for you have indeed moved me like no other person ever have, both positively and negatively, you have been my angel on earth and I pray for your healing in whatever shape or form it takes, and however long, and I pray for strength so I could sustain my current stable place and to be able to be a beacon of light for you, and the rest my few special people.
Upwards and onwards we go, blessed are our days and our current mission. May there be clarity and discernment, may the hearts recognize each other, may the spirits rise, may the souls rejoice.
Amen.
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