Lost and found

I brought the netbook outside, there aren't many days left where I could sit on the balcony and work or write away. The cold is late, meaning it will hit hard once it's here. 

This is turning to be a dry Autumn, but I am enjoying every bit of it all the same. When the rain is here eventually, I will be ready, like I always am for rain, any time of the year.

The year is drawing to an end soon, I have thought about the blog so many times, and I think with the year ending, I would have had finished a full cycle. I am most probably going to stop blogging after that, and will return to the notebook and pen. 

So much was healed this year, most of what matters the most was kept outside the blog, but I'm itching again and again to pour my heart out on paper.

Perhaps I will manage to start one of the many book projects I had in mind all those years back, or maybe I will be able to journal regularly, and methodically. 

I have found a solution for my anxiety, my mind is not racing anymore, I am able to process thoughts and emotions at a slower pace, without adding extra pressure or feel more pain. 

My 40 didn't come out at all the way I had hoped or figured it would be, but I in lots of ways, I am happy I've put a nice and neat ending to a lot of lose ends. 

The priorities have shifted and keep shifting, perceptions too.

 I'm only just grateful to be so blessed, with everything lost, and everything gained, along the way... 

Beyond

It is safe to say that I am depressed.
In fact, it's a little beyond and more than just a depression.
Oftentimes, I keep myself sane by focusing on my own little things, inside my own little world, inside the bubble. Most of the times too, especially lately, the bubble is being busted, by the harsh reality of doing the living inside the Lebanon. 
I caught myself off guard today, feeling rather victorious, having checked the prices of things on different apps and web pages, and comparing them to the convenience store nearby. I ended up doing a mix of all, saving myself a good few Lebanese pounds on my grocery shopping.
Not only has the life quality of late deteriorated, and drastically so, but also my surviving skills has escalated to be the new center of my existence. I realized today too, that not only do I feel victorious and proud after smart planning and execution of my house keeping, house management and economics, but that I have become obsessive, impulsive, and developed anxiety too. 
I can't deny that the hard, rather peculiar, life that I lead up until the moment before the eruption of 2020 has helped me develop good survival skills, become very resilient, and be an extremely patient person, all of which has truly helped - and is helping, in carrying on steady, and with miraculous hope in these days. However, I am starting to worry for myself, for I'm dwindling away, ever so slowly, on the inside. 
My mind isn't as sharp anymore, I'm unable to process emotions and feelings properly either, my body is thankfully holding up still, but I'm getting new chronic pains, and the old ones keep reappearing. 
I'm aware that I need to keep carrying on for some time longer, for this is only just the beginning, but I must change something, or else, I must have someone help me. Help isn't help, help is presence, and presence is nonexistent!
If I had any hope in finding a partner before this wild storm, it is now gone for sure, for people are, unforunately, especially the people of this country, more than ever before, totally lost, shallow, empty, seeking instant gratification in their very breath, escaping their very shadows, creating worlds of illusions, delusional, and disheartened. 
Alas these are very gloomy days, and this post is but a mere diary entry. 
When is this going to end, slow down, or speed up, nobody knows.
One thing for sure is, 
and I've said it oh so many times in here it tires me to even think about it, but...
I'm exhausted!