Armageddon

Can hardly catch up with the madness of the world. Gotta switch between different platforms and websites and apps to get a close enough picture of the daily and sometimes hourly updates. I sleep to it, wake up to it, have break with it, and on and on it goes. I baked today, first time in almost a year, I have lost touch of time and its passing. There was no point of making cakes anymore, for whom anyway. I've lost my appetite it's been years now. Eating is for survival, and binging. I can't afford binging anymore, still, I managed to make my famous lavender lemon rice flour cake. It wasn't to be shared with family members, friends, or loved ones. There's nobody left now, only just me. I had several slices, smeared with my favorite St. Dalfour jam. It didn't taste as nearly as nice as it used to. It's not the cake, it's me.

I've got pains upon pains upon pains, physical, emotional, mental. I push through, perhaps the end is near, Iran and Israel now at war, how far can that be. 

I don't bother look for humans anymore, they've all turned. Once someone can spot me and treat me like one, I know they exist, otherwise it's zombies unite time. They say the eyes says it all, to me, words and actions, especially actions and inactions, especially words... 

I keep listening to Jeff Buckley's "All flowers in time..." song, it seems to have a cleansing effect of a sort. Reset, restart, repeat...

I've been watching Roger Waters speak up ever so passionately and loudly about Palestine and its people, against the horrid ever going injustice, it brings solace to my aching heart. I looked him up recently to find out his sign and age. Good ol' virgo, bless his soul, and 80 years old! That's what happens when you got your heart intact, you don't wither and age like the rest of 'em.

I pray day and night, 

It's getting heavier and heavier. 

I seem to switch between anger and grace, there's no third state as of late. 

I stopped seing men a good while back. 

I stopped engaging with fake friends too. 

Every time I glance in the mirror when I go to the toilet I think to myself my eyes are looker more sad by the day, but purer too... 

My single go to prayer is a supplication word, for all other words have all been worn out...

Ya Rab!

Trailing

How far can one go with a broken heart?

I'll tell you when I find out...

(part of a conversation with my imaginary person earlier this morning) 

Cease drowning

If you keep doing it long enough, you might get good at it, that self hugging thing.

If you allocate enough time and practice, you will master that self soothing thing. 

If you apply yourself, you might succeed in integrating the self loving concept into your being, turning it from concept to reality. 

If you become an expert at this self loving thing, you might manage to rebirth yourself once again. 

What is death anyway but a mere end of just another cycle. 

Though they keep coming and going, those beginnings and endings, keep educating yourself about love,

and go with the swirl, 

wherever it takes you. 

Eradicate the doubt, 

the hesitation, 

the questioning,

the fear. 

If you haven't yet, 

learn to swim already, 

and float. 

(about time, baby girl!) 

Insomnia

Not insane, 

Just wild... 

Untamed, 

Unchained. 

Not fitting in, 

Quite standing out...

Existing in waves;

Wanting to shine, 

Wanting to hide.

This life dilemma, 

The many questions unanswered. 

They come in waves too, 

Those answers of clarity, 

Confusing me too.

Adults and the mature

They forgot magic and play, 

While I keep getting in and out 

Many different realms

Here and there... 

I keep looking into the eyes, 

So many stories they show and hide. 

I search for fragments of souls I recognize, 

Who's up for play, 

Who's up for remembering, 

Who's recalling whom and what. 

I'm out here waiting, 

Gazing, 

Anticipating, 

Hoping, 

A 3 years old child in a 43 woman's body, 

And some 43 lives to remember, 

Or maybe just 3, 

Or 4.

Hear me out, 

Hear my insanity, 

It's sanity too... 

I love you, now and then and before. 

I pray you wake up, 

I'd help you unshackle, 

We'd walk or run or fly. 

Show me your route, 

I'll show you my path. 

Let us rejoice, 

It's been manifested. 

I am I am I am 

We are We are We are. 

Crazy

https://youtu.be/-N4jf6rtyuw?si=rXtnefLDbxs3zf7e

April's fools

It turns out I'm only just passing by after all. 

There is no major work to do with people.

To uplift, help out, transcend, ascend... 

It has been the trauma all along, messed up with my mind badly.

My reality, their reality, the reality. 

Limits, limitations, boundaries. 

A lifetime of discombobulations.

They faked it all, 

they saw through the armor. 

They had indeed conquered. 

Opposites attract, weak and strong. 

Whom is which though, really now. 

Things played out like an April's fool! 

It's all in hindsight now,

for no sooner I had figured out their moves,

it was Game Over!

"Count your losses and move on!"

. 

. 

. 

.

I hear you, my only friend, honorable man and real human being, from across the lands, through time and space. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

Thank you, 

Bless you. 

I thank the fools too, 

of April and beyond. 

"Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks."