This used to be solace, home, safe, cozy, and warm. Now it's simply small, suffocating, cold, and moist.
When Jade called me on the day before new year's eve and asked me what are my wishes for the new year, I answered without much thinking: acceptance.
To accept that the very same walls that once housed me and kept me warm and content are now limiting me, pressing down on me, threatening my health, both physical and mental.
To accept that I had spent all of my life in the futile pursuit of Home, and that I had been delusioned every time I thought I had found it in a person, on a land, or in a place.
To accept the very fast pace of things of late, the very changeable quality of people, my very slowed down or sped up ebbing and flowing.
To accept defeat, and not try to embellish it, nor sugar coat it for the sake of avoiding the shame monster, or that silly bruised ego.
To unravel the rotten scars, to face the damages and their repercussions, to look directly at the withering away of my deepest hopes, and to watch my expectations of old disappear into thin air... without flinching.
I am no longer charmed by tiny anything. I've expanded so much to be contained within narrow walls, and under a cracking, rotting away ceiling. To accept that I had indeed grown too much to be contained at all...
Another vision came to fruition, a lot of info has been passed down. I have to accept the density of that too, and transform it into gear for my next travel.
To accept that indeed the only thing ever constant, is change itself, and that I may or may not have created the concept of Home around trauma, for nothing has ever been a better home to me than my own self.
Double earth fire creature needs air and water too, and so another territory is calling.
I have to do a lot of work to bring myself to accept that very fact too, and prepare myself to the next phase, and a new horizon.
