Sanity

All realities are co-existing and I seem to be tapping into different and opposing ones simultaneously. At this start of this phenomena, few years ago, I was brought out of sanity and peace, rooted in the one reality I was living in, when I started to be shown peeks of the other reality. This was beginning of my madness. Push forward five years later, and my nervous system having taking a hit after the other, reaching the end of the games that were played on me by a man I so very deeply loved and cherished and welcomed into my home, my heart, my body, and resigning the chase of wanting to find and be in THE truth, I have finally reached sanity, accompanied with so much grieve still, and some more. 

Sanity is now seeing through all the different layers of this existence, and all the different layers and aspects of all of the people, and by default, all of the interactions and relationships. There is no white or black, no light and shadow, no labels, no fixed station, no anchors, no lighthouses, no dark places, no happy spaces. All of these are merely projections from our psyche, each one is projecting whatever he is she wishes or needs to see and manifest, or desires to be reflected back at. As a result, we are seeing it all if we happen to be floating a little bit above the low vibrational materialistic realm, which I have been, the moment my soul has sat me out to start losing all my connections to money and work and income and work / business stability. It had all to be gone, and through a 7 years cycle of intense lessons, I now graduate and get back to that materialistic world to work my gifts and skills again, being in the abundance again, for now I truly got to do me, only just me, and with all the lessons and upgrades, only now I am ready.

Sanity is when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, and I get an instant insight of this person or that person having treated me eerily so very badly, accepting that they too are indeed the ones I had only just got up from seeing them in my dream, reliving a most beautiful and loving tender moments with them.

Sanity is accepting the fact that there is no white or black, and that this whole existence is indeed a mere grey area. It is random, it is chatting, it is messy and overly charged with all sorts of nonsense and overly stimulating triggers and emotions, orchestrated and engineered through a giant mix of traumas and woundings and projectings, by the living, the dead, and all other beings too, in different times and spaces. 

Sanity is accepting the fact that today I will see my predator and offender as my rescuer and victim, and tomorrow things will change again, and the day after, and the day after, and we will go on and on about our own spirals, spiraling inside a big giant massive spiral, sometimes leading somewhere, often leading nowhere. Sanity is accepting all of that, and myself, without wanting to needing to change any of it, and never needing or wanting to escape from it. 

Sanity is opening myself wide open to all of the different perspectives and realms, and wanting to learn how it affected me and what is going inside of me as a result, without the need to fix any of it, or wanting to numb myself. 

Sanity is acknowledging that I had been a love and food addict for all of my life, and learning how to hold space for myseld when this addiction reached its peak then started to wane, with embarrassing and ugly symptoms of withdrawals lasting for well over 7 years. 

Sanity is accepting the fact that I will be the one pointing things out and being the one ostracized for wanting to heal and attain clarity. 

Sanity is accepting defeat. 

Sanity is letting go of control. 

Sanity is realising this whole lifetime of 44 years was a mere joke because I was only just trying to survive and that I do not know what normal living should look or feel like, let alone thriving. 

Sanity is making peace with my aloneness for this doing to be a long but clear ride, finally.