Many relevations have come to me and are now active in my psyche, I'm processing things, all while addressing my addictions like I have never before. To say I'm having massive withdrawals would be an understatement. But I'm learning, trying, testing, pushing, seeing how far I can go if I stick with myself like I used to people, instead of abandoning myself. The pain is repelling, this I assure you. It's telling me a hundred different things, at random moments. If often screams and shouts too, it's very repulsive. No wonder I spent my entire life running away from it / me.
I sometimes wonder what my face and body would look like when the fat starts receeding. It's hitting me only lately that I am indeed in my 40's. Somehow all the years felt like one year. I have been stuck in the past, and the years passed me by. I have just been so full of bullshit to truly be in the present. That's decades of wallowing and numbing and self bullshitting. I am tired beyond words, and have gotten so very sick from the reality I have been creating that I decided to just stop.
Here I am, in the pause phase, where my own reality is on hold, as I open up myself to the actual reality. It tastes so bitter, it's so indigestible, I do think however that I'm forcing my brain to create new ways to make do with this existence. I'm also remembering who discipline and routines always worked for me and had a numbing effect on it. I'm bringing back those, one thing at a time.
I cried my heart out as I watched Elizabeth Gilbert talk about her last book last night, I'm crying all the time still anyway, in the midst of brining back my work routines and structures.
My body feels utterly un-safe and overly alert and mind constantly sensing danger, because I'm not giving it food, nor physical intimacy. I am wanting to try full on sobriety again, it served me well before, let's see if I could see the light at the end of this most darkest tunnel.
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