Everything in between

Today I don't want to write the words, I need for the words to write me. 

I'm fluid and soft and sweet, I'm tender and flowing. 

Today I wish to surrender to the misty morning breeze. 

The clouds are pretty, they promise of Autumn. 

I need pretty, and clouds. I could do with fulfilled promises. 

Today I'm warm and nice, today it's warm and nice, and flowing... 

I'm earth and land and sweet little things. 

I'm colors and textures and flavors. 

Today I am mother, and child. 

Today I am gestation,

and embryo. 

Today I am life, and death, and everything in between. 

Today I am manifestation, 

and the dream. 

The light, and the tunnel

The anniversary of our last move was two days ago. On the 28th August 2020 I moved with Yasmina to our current apartment. It has been a healing home for us, I am grateful for all that lead me to being here, at this time and space. 

We didn't celebrate, a cake usually would be the staple thing to get for such occasions. Though we seldom need an occasion really for cake, cake is life! However, I have been cleansing on the inside too, which meant eating much cleaner, and refraining from emotional / binge / comfort eating. When I get the cravings these days, I turn to healthier foods and ingredients. It almost feels bad how luxurious this is now, as prices of things have skyrocketed lately, and keep on doing so exponentially. Nothing makes sense in this country anymore. Still...

The price of my self sabotaging has been quite high, and drained me for so long. I find myself once again face to face with harsh realities, re-evaluating things, concepts, people, lessons, results. I'm at peace with where I am now, even though it could be temporary, even though it could be a passing phase...

Another stage of cleansing has been purging, removing Chris even more from my system. I managed to throw away jewelry pieces, documents, files, letters, recordings, writings, and much more that I simply could not have parted with before - nor thought was ever needed. Clinging to last bits of memories, feel good trinkets, and bitter sweet sounds.

I am grateful for all that has lead me to here and now, and for that misty morning breeze that promises of colder days, and cleansing rain. Two days away from September? Heart is already joyful! 

There are still mornings when I open my bedroom door and look at the floor and imagine how things would've been if cat was here; the excitement for the morning sun, the balcony, the birds, the privilege of access to the forbidden corners, the morning cuddles, the kneading, the purring. I'm convinced the thinking of cat is much more rewarding and hassle-free than cat herself. Life is strange, and beautiful in its own way. 

I'm trying to no avail recalling how the first morning after our move felt like, people, events, details are missing from my memory, save from one very striking incident, on the second night of being here. It was a heartbreak, a new one, of a new kind too, by a friend, a close one. Did it really take me a whole year to finally come to terms with how to truly treat mistreatments, judge misjudgments, stop, refuse, reject, return to sender intentional harm? 

Yes, and it could have taken me much longer too, and I could have (might have still) lead a rather naiive existence, believing like an innocent little child that love would prevail in the end always. 

If this year has taught me anything, it would be to the lesson of never losing touch with the reality of people, which is very different than mine. Never forget that good and evil, which concept I was never truly accepting of, is indeed embedded in everything humans see, touch, say and do.  

I remain to lead a life that stems, and root for, the light, but now I know to be wary of the dark, for it has consumed so many people, and what's worse yet, is that they have forgotten about it even happening at the first place. 

"If you want to change the world . . . love a woman — really love her.

Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.

Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.

Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing —

every winged one, every furry and scaled one,

every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,

every not yet born and dying one . . . 

Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.

If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.

If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,

you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world . . . love a woman — one woman

beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,

beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety

and all your superficial concepts of freedom.

We have given ourselves so many choices

we have forgotten that true liberation

comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire

and burning through our resistance to Love.

There is only one Goddess.

Look into Her eyes and see-really see

if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.

If not, walk away. Right now.

Don’t waste time “trying.”

Know that your decision has nothing to do with her

because ultimately it’s not with who,

but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world . . . love a woman.

Love her for life — beyond your fear of death,

beyond your fear of being manipulated

by the Mother inside your head.

Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.

Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,

plant trees with her and watch them grow.

Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,

by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess

through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world . . . love a woman

in all her faces, through all her seasons

and she will heal you of your double-mindedness and half-heartedness

which keeps your Spirit and body separate — which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self for something to make your life worth living.

There will always be another woman.

Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one

and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,

trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.

Man doesn’t need any more choices.

What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,

of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,

of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots

strong enough to hold the Earth together

while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world . . . love a woman — just one woman.

Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.

Love her through her fear of abandonment

which she has been holding for all of humanity.

No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.

No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world . . . love a woman

all the way through

until she believes you,

until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,

her wildness have returned to her — until she is a force of love more powerful

than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,

lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.

Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger

and love a woman . . . 

beyond all of your striving for greatness,

beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.

The holy grail stands before you

if you would only take her in your arms

and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered

through the heart of Woman?

What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine

is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world . . . love a woman

to the depths of your shadow,

to the highest reaches of your Being,

back to the Garden where you first met her,

to the gateway of the rainbow realm

where you walk through together as Light as One,

to the point of no return,

to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth."

 ~ Lisa Citore. 

Scared, saddened

Another day on this cursed land, my heart is heavy with so much pain for the people. A tragedy after the other, a roller-coaster of bad events that doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon.

This is the land of no man, because men would've stopped this madness, men would've stood up for themselves and the weak, mean would've fought for the vulnerable, and spoke up!

Light has forsaken this patch of earth. Evil in many different forms and shapes keeps creeping up on the people.

It's a country that has forgotten what it means and entails to be human!

I'm scared and saddened, and preparing myself for the worst that is yet to come. 

A curse

Our country is drowning and fading into total darkness, while our men watch, silent, idly.

I'm forced to remember similar days around the wars and afterwardw, and I can't help but to remember father's composure, resilience, actions... Mostly his actions, during the war. What a man, a hero, a legacy. I was young and naive, grew up thinking men are like that... In a sense, I'm glad he's not around to see these jokes of men, tearing our country apart. 

I could never fathom when and how it started, this stagnation sickness, creeping up on our people, eating their souls away. Their hearts are cold and hard, their minds vacant...

What nightmare is this, what days, what times!

What a hell of a cursed land this is. 

Melting

Could you hold my face between your hands? I wish to bury my head in your lap. Please play with my wet hair, its a hard week, I need to cry.

Would you hold my hand, maybe squeeze a little? In fact, why don't you place both hands on my face, I need soothing, and warmth.

Please whisper to me nice little things, like the dreams I see you in, and the hopes of childhood, and my father's face.

Would you feed me please? I'm hungry, I need nourishing, and nurturing. Not the emotional kind of eating, but the one where you carefully and lovingly cook nature into a hearty meal, I need to eat your energy, your intention, your love. 

Please, please forgive my emotional state, I'm weak today, it's a hard week, but autumn is near, I promise to flourish again. 

I long for the light rain sounds, and your breathing. 

Can we go to bed soon? I need the sound of your snoring, like a baby needs a lullaby. 

Can you crush me inside your chest please? I've been too big for too long, make me small and little again, I miss us. 

I love us. You found me. What were the chances?! 

I'm hallucinating, maybe I have a fever, or maybe that's just the heat. 

Love me in August please, it's when I need it the most. 

Promise to make it up to you in the winter days, I turn 41... I still feel like I'm 1. 

Hold me and never let me go, for now, for a little, for as much as it's comfortable. 

i love You. 

Full sun

Daughter doesn't like it when I use the term "full sun". She's adament it's only ever just full moon, there is no such a thing as full sun. I explain to her in vain what it means to me when I use such expressions, and that we can use words and combinations of them to express anything at all. Language and communicating my thoughts, feelings and ideas are crucial to me, but the world doesn't care much about them, or me. 

I keep leading a very intense existence through this 2021, without being able to commit to posting daily like I said I would back in January, and boy do I miss the high spirits of that time of the year! 

These days, full sun is having its toll on me. It feels as though my mind is melting in the heat, but what concerns me the most, is my heart. Heart keeps expanding wanting to explode with love and everything grace and empathy and compassion and care, all year round, year in, year out. This crazy little thing in the center of my body is pulling all the threads in my life, dictating how naive I come across to some, good-hearted to others, soft and easy to some, and mere crazy to others. It is indeed crazy to lead a life with such fire within, continuously burning, warming, igniting, only just to go to waste. 

The most truest thing to say today would be that I feel as though my whole existence is going to waste. This is the very reason of my feeling depleted, depressed, saddened, angry. I have been feeling like this most of my life, often times confusing it for some sort of chemicals imbalance in my system! The imbalance is coming from the extremes, being too warm / hot, in an environment that is way too cold. 

I met with few different people recently, I made new friendship, let's see how long it would last before all pretenses come down. I met with old friends too, they drain my very soul, but what can I do but try and be out in the world once in a while, for fear of losing my mind totally. 

The most sweetest are the starved ones, they put effort, they show emotions, they reveal their truest thoughts, they share their ideal scenarios, dreams, intentions, and their hopes. If it comes with pride, it's even more luscious; the opening up is tasty, the resisting is alluring and enticing. Don't I know this type the most? Aren't I one? A pride starved mama bear alpha wolf woman damsel in distress? 

I'm holding my heart and carrying it through these most intense summer days, I'm praying for pain free nights, I'm counting the days for autumn, I'm longing for winter, I will come a full circle soon, and I hope I would have salvaged some dignity this time around, breaking a vicious circle, I broke a good few this year so far, more about that in another post.