April is almost over

Cat is not here anymore, I've been sad and low since. 
I missed our mornings, the birds and the sunlight, her following me in every room, the morning cuddles and the purring, the excitement, the meawing, and her presence... 
But, I knew she had to go, the mood changing, the unpredictability, the misbehavior, the attitude... it was just too much for my not usually cat person self to handle. 
She's with my sister now, she adopted her two weeks ago, she's getting along well with her cat, besties she calls them. And only today I can finally relax, she climbed up on her chest and cuddled for a little bit. 

The cat topic aside, I am overwhelmed with bouts of sadness and grief. My body is suffering greatly... under the stress of trying to find balance with the changes, all changes, I found myself going to drumming again. Only thing is, I can not do it anymore. My body is clearly telling me (has been doing so for a good while now), but I kept on ignorning, until it could do no more. I've been having physiotherapy, ciropractice, and thai massage, besides stretching at home, and nothing is working. The pain is not going away, nor waning. I found myself spending days (wasting) lately doing nothing but only just trying to cope with the pain and take it easy. 

I did manage to get hooked on reading again, I think it's my solace, especially that I found myself getting depressed again, I could not / would not allow it to consume, not this time around! 

Writing however, meh, I tried on several occasions to journal, and the pain of handwriting killed me. All the things one need for one's dominant arm and its joints! 

One thing I said to myself this morning however, I've got one thing constant and not changing for sure, and that's the warm weather. In the next few months and for the rest of the spring / summer period, the sun will almost always shine every morning, and throughout the day, the weather is expected to be hot / warm and in between, and the day relatively long. I can at least focus on this one fixed, constant and consistent routine to try to alleviate the anxiety of the continuous uncertainty and increasing levels of stress in our day to day life in this land of misery! 

Needless to say, I've been finding it extremely hard to keep my calm lately, I don't know how but things got so bad energetically speaking since I got the cat. And though a weight has been lifted since sister adopted her, it feels as though more cleaning (cleansing) needs to be done to gain my normal state of being again. 

Perhaps the cat was a metaphor too, and perhaps I was triggered a lot because of her, and that it's good to know (be reminded of) what I am capable of giving and where / what I need receiving. 

It's a relatively hot evening, and it's a full moon night, and I'm finding it extremely hard to relax. I will sip on another cup of chamomile in the hope of calming my weary mind. The sun shines on me on my bed these days, I hope it eases the pain and warms my heart gently each new day until I become full and complete again...  

Aimless

I was up all night, I cried my heart out.

I allowed myself to feel all that I've been using food to numb away. 

There's a lot of pain, because of the longing, and the missing, and what was lost, and what could have been, ought to have been.

I must eat good again, I start today. 

I did not work, I did not attend to anything or anybody today.

I made art with daughter, together we are processing so much still. 

I am tired is an understatement.

I wish to have a little break from existence itself.

It keeps going... aimlessly. 

Nee Saan

The days and seasons are blending into each other. I am dragging a very heavy weight package through them. My coping mechanisms changing only in appearance, deep inside the pain is one and the same. I need a closure, or to validate it myself. The longing is ever growing, and the warmer weather is only making it more obvious. I wish to avoid still this very existence; I haven't been able to make peace with so much fire within that cries out for so much air and water. I keep grounding myself, but I'm sprouting just as much as I'm routing, and I should remind myself of the elegance of not resisting a fate of ripened fruits being wasted away. My solace is Autumn, always looking forward to Autumn, any time of the year, especially in Spring, especially in April.

... نيسان

Contain it not

I'm awoken in the middle of my sleep by dreams. Intense ones involving close people in my life, and the theme lately is home. I wake up shaking from many of them, some of them put me face to face with my deepest fears and most unhealed pains.

I struggle in Spring, often feeling not ready yet for the ice to melt, for my hybernation to end, for my wounds to be exposed.

The resisting holds little power against the fixated change of weather and turn of seasons, and I succomb. In my succumbing, a volcano of tamed emotions erupts, and I find myself swept away by the essence of my own existence; a passion that I could never fully fathom, only trying to integrate it in this very cold and squared so called civilized existence. 

Here goes nothing, nowhere...

I'm clenching on my jaw, I've been pressing my teeth. I have just realized so; I am in bed winding down, ready to sleep. Tomorrow I get back to writing, I keep saying to myself every night. Too tired and wasted after spending days that are consuming all my energy. 

So much action and happenings and events taking place, imn hardly able to catch my breath. Nightmares too, my mind is weary, my body too, my body especially. 

It doesn't matter what I write, as long as I keep at it. Or does it? 

Anyway, here goes...