2021

Years of living in survival mode has done some serious damage to the functioning of my mind. Every now and then I get excited about blogging. I still keep a journal, but sometimes my journaling too is of survival type. When does it end? Have I started it myself? Are things really hard? Am I creating the hardship myself? All these are irrelevant questions too, when there are no means for me to actually make one clear statement in my head, about any one specific topic. Everything is changeable, and changing.

The excitement about blogging came to me on new year's eve last night, I was awake until 6:00 in the morning. Only when the morning light was here, I was able to rest my weary head. Thinking and looking back, and looking ahead too. The thought that brought joy and warmth to my heart each time, was writing. I shared the blogging plan news with daughter when I got up, I said I'll start a new blog and commit to writing one blog post every single day in the new year, starting from today (January first).

As usual, the day unfolded nicely, but got crazy busy and overwhelmingly distracting. We had guests over, and we had to prepare, accommodate, and entertain, when the only thing we both needed truly was rest. Not the normal type of rest on a new year's day, but the one you'd need after a year of a hundred of twists and turns, a global pandemic, a national economical, political and societal crisis, an apocalyptic explosion, several houses moving, and all that such events can entail.

Here I am, however, two hours after midnight, I'm refusing to let this day slip from me, I'm going to blog like I said I would, one post each day. 

Maybe my writing will improve again, or improve at all. Maybe it won't. But maybe too I might be able to get back my ability of thinking, the non problem solving practical strategic thinking, but rather the stimulating, fulfilling, thinking for the sake of thinking kind. 

Of course I came to start a new blog, only to realize, like several times in the past, that I have a live blog already and been going for years, though almost inactive. So at least there was that, I felt some relief for not having to come up with new anything. Admittedly too I, felt somewhat concerned at how often this is bizarrely being erased from my memory time and again. 

Anyhow, here I am, my commitment to myself, 365 days of writing, putting words together again, digging in the well of my soul, threading together thoughts, ideas, emotions, visions, hopes, feelings and dreams.