The very old men's shoes, size 42

In January, I usually experience very interesting dreams. Last January I had some nitty and gritty apocalytical ones. Nothing I'm not too familiar with, the consistency and regularity, however, was intense, to say the least.

What the months following brought is something I am unable to put in simple words, yet. But this month, and this year, I am grateful to whatever peace I managed to come out with from the 2020 year. 

On Monday I started to detox, the food usually is the main fast, but everything really follows. The whole system gets to breathe, mind slows down, and the spirits get high. 

I gave myself few days off work, the usual interactions with people, the house chores, the constant going and doing, I even spaced myself from daughter a limited the time we spend together on a daily basis. 

I'm able to come to my body again, and realise the new damage I have caused it through the continuous survival mode. I am home now, and there is no place else I need to go, be, or nothing else I need to do. 

I'm sitting in the pain of craving all the things my body is craving, mostly now, the food, but I will sit still with it until I let go of these very deeply ingrained, decades old, toxic addictions.

In the wake of a morning blessed with beautiful rain outside, after months of totally dry winter weather, and the peace of a good night sleep, I remember the dream. 

I'm standing in the hallway in my apartment, picking excitedly a pair of very old, used and well rugged pair of men shoes in brown color from a shelf, looking at my sister standing few meters away from me to my left. I'm trying to hide several things from her; the shoes because she'd hate for me to come close to any such old thing, the excitement because she would never understand it, the source of the shoes - I don't myself know it but I'm set to discover it, and the fact that I'm going to put them on, so I don't want her to notice. But I ignore all these things, and I simply turn them on the back to check the size, it says 42, I smile, I put them down and I slid my feet inside them. They're ugly and been used heavily, but somehow I'm glad, like a little child unwrapping a box of their most desired gift or toy!