Another heavy Sunday is here, I am grateful I haven't lost it. Though my mind is often wandering, though the thoughts are often destructive, I managed to not lose it. I managed to contain my own self. The emotional heaviness however, of a typical Sunday type, is quite a lot. I'm just processing it all...
I haven't had time to contemplate lately, the pace of life is very fast, the city life is very chaotic. On top of all, I don't have the luxury of wasting any more time. It's still survival mode, but a next new level now. And while I managed to do a mighty come back at work out of thin air, and despite all the troubles, setbacks, and turmoils, I am still to make any money.
I've sold the very few bits and bobs and tiny furniture pieces I have brought with me here to keep, after selling all of the house furniture back in Fanar. I got few more books, curtain rods, and some shelves, those have to go next week so I can survive until the end of the year.
I am not hopeful nor excited, I don't allow myself to let any emotions in when it comes to work these days. I just work, methodically, routinely, often time with total detachment. I risk losing a lot if I don't, for instance, getting back to Instagram! The followers, the stories, the likes, the tags, oh man, how are people still doing this shit!? It drives me mad! (More than I already am). Honestly though, Instagram is a number one cause of anxiety, all jokes aside. It's why I'm limiting all activities there and not investing much time on it.
There is no avoiding the interacting with people when it comes to work, and so, begrudgingly, I am doing it. I feel utter exhaustion and overwhelm after the littlest of interactions, be it in the physical world or virtually, but I keep affirming myself that I am safe, and all is been taken care of. I only just have to take these very steps I have set up for myself now to come back to life, and out of that rot and emotional / mental mess.
It didn't help much lately that, in order to deal with the stress, I had many binge eating sessions, mostly involving junk (basically crap!). In an attempt to balance my life out now, I sat with myself last night, and journaled, took notes and action steps to bring back some sanity again. I think the more I create and release things to the world, the more I will be confident again in what I am doing. But I won't worry myself too much with how what I make is being received, for I could very easily fall back to the whole mental and emotional chaos of it and I being seen, received, validated, accepted... or not. I certainly can't allow my mind to go into that terroritory now, I must preserve my mental health in whatever way I can!
I have also been giving myself the occasional time and space to connect with others and have company. I can't say it's been always rewarding, and maybe perhaps because the triggers are so strong when I encounter others - I had grown so accustomed to being on my own.
I often catch myself talking about the past, I haven't been able to be in the present yet still! The poor men who care about me even just a little, or just about our encounters, have to sit and listen through it all. I can't even remember anymore whom knows what details and how much, I just speak out aimlessly, it's probably a clear sign of my PTSD. After all, I haven't and I don't get to ever talk to people in my life, like normal anything, as usual... For there is no family, no friends, no nothing, so these guys basically end up getting their share of my pain processing in real time.
I don't think any of them know the depth of the scars I am trying to heal, and that's fine, we come from very different backgrounds and life experiences (and expectations), and I am grateful when they show empathy, listen silently and attentively, and when they try to give me their own insight or piece of their wisdom, compassionately. Still, the pain isn't lessening with the passing of time or with all the actions taking place. In fact, sometimes I worry that all the distractions of life might be getting in the way of my healing.
Sometimes though I just have to drop that weight and let go a little. Today's focus was on a plan to get back to my old routines. The 18 hours fasting again, my qi gong practice, my movements and dancing, my hobbies, my discipline with working hours and house chores. I started with the fasting today, and I get back the routines starting tomorrow. I gotta try to find a loop hole through that extremely noisy building and neighborhood. I don't know how, but I got to give myself a little bit of silence so that I can create, otherwise the stress from all sorts of outside simuli is really getting to my nervous system and stopping me from functioning properly.
The sun is after setting just now, we had a clear sky finally after a very gloomy week. I am often finding myself missing my previous place, I visualize it, the details, the corners, the smells, the sensations, the feelings, and I cry. Not wanting it back, not stuck in the past, just reminiscing of a place that I truly put so much time, effort and energy in making it home, so much time, effort and energy in welcoming and hosting people, a place that was my most favorite of them all, but then having to walk away from it all, while I take it all down by my own hands, all that has made it "Home".
The one year anniversary of her moving out of that house and my life was exactly 2 days ago, 8th November 2022, I have had a lot emotions creeping up on me and crippling me this past week, I am not sure if it was because of that, but what could I have done anyway?! Haven't I been processing shit since that day, and dealing with all the many hazardous repercussions?
My problem is not that my daughter didn't want me after 2 decades of dedicating my life for her, lovingly so (not conditionally). But that the fact remains; she wasn't just my daughter, she was my sole and favorite companion, my confidante, my best friend, my only family. I also believed I was to her more than a typical mother, I was her therapist, her coach, her mentor, her companion, her friend, her cook, her number one fan, her art advisor, her business manager, her confidante... Was I family for her though!? Because, the irony! She never had it, they never were part of our life, and I filled up for everyone. She then goes out and drops me as well... And she never listened when I said repeatedly, I'm not her problem, if anything, I was the only constant and consistent person in her entire life.
But then she slipped away...
But maybe that too was all in my head, and I was blinded my whole entire life, for all she ever wanted truly was to get out of it all, and take and use as much as she can in the process until she does. She had to make use of it, you see, having me being a big part of her life and constantly around, when she couldn't love me. In her own words at one point, "she felt imprisoned"... It hurts, when all I had set myself to do since before she was born, was to love her. I grew with her, for her, for us. I don't get it, I still don't. I keep asking myself and others questions, they say, she's just a kid still. How very wrong they are, but nobody could ever fathom that thing that was and that had happened, not even I fully, but it definitely isn't just her being a kid!
It is so very painful and against human nature to do life alone like I do these days, most especially after having dedicated most of my life anyway to the people I loved and cherished. This isn't a lesson, this is a spiritual cataclysm.
I feel like a total failure every single day. How is it that everybody I know and around me have figured life out, and I'm the only idiot constantly shocked at people's behaviors, words, and actions!?! Why am I so thick?! Why is it not hitting me yet?! What on Earth am I missing!?!?
Still, I can't complain, I shall heed the call. In fact, it's been done, I had no say in the matter whatsoever. Now I just ride the wave...
And when there are ebbs and flows, I just observe, for I'll be taken whenever it takes me.
The truth of the matter is that I could never make those,
nor do people ever really make them themselves...
None of it
ever
is
personal!
No comments:
Post a Comment