When you came that day last year, exactly as Tuesday, 12th December, and took your belongings away, it was as if you snatched a valve in my heart apart. Like a totally mad woman I went to your room trying to hold on to anything at all, I cropped the top of your pathos plant, a little stem with 2 leaves, one bigger than the other. I kept them in water until summer. Before I moved, I planted them in soil. Four new leaves have grown from it since. From 2, came for, always the 1 being source. 124 baby girl... This is how I make room for hope, one way or another. Something somehow always stems and grows... from even the cuttings!
My reality shattered, my mind going awry, my heart getting broke, my whole reality shifting and smashing is not on you. It is on your father, on Chris, on my sister, on her boyfriend, on my brothers, on our "family", on your father's "family", on my friends, on all the people I met and became part of our life. Nobody has ever done the work of doing their part of being in their role, all they ever wanted was to waste time and suck energy. I didn't know that, my lack of experience in life did that.
Other people seem to be fine with how life was going and whom filling what role in their life. For me it was just never enough, I needed containment, I needed presence. The more absent they were the mare shame I felt the more my mind acted up.
You felt it and knew it all, I didn't. You wanted out, I understood. But to do it in that most harshest, brutal way, that was on you.
The lack of empathy you showed, that was on you.
The inability to meet me half way like I was you, was on you.
The fighting me like I was your enemy when was anything but that, was on you.
But I'm not rubbing this in your face, the result of all of that must have affected you too. I told you it didn't have to be done that way, but you were 17 and wild, and thought that was the solution to the pains you had.
It's okay too, here we are. The more we know, the more we know.
I'm to release you fully from my system since what you represented towards the end was eating me alive. Becsuse I had little boundaries, I did not know where I begin, where I end, how much to give, and for the life of me, never knowing how or what to receive, if at all.
I told you on one of the last few times we met, "I don't know if it's I driving you crazy or you driving me crazy".
The truth is, we both did. You're crazy and sane in many different aspects and ways, so am I.
Our life to the out looker could've seem perfect and sane. They envied what we had, but you and I knew the struggles. Year in, year out. Battling loneliness, deception, being outcasts, abscense of true loyalty in people, lack of effort and integrity in others, the nonexistence of our tribe / family / group. Many hardships too, but we battled through.
Perhaps you thought that if you things totally differently now, that the outcome would be different. Perhaps you sought happiness in I dependance from me. Perhaps splitting yourself from me would take away the you that was my daughter and pride, so you can create a total path of your own, unlinked to me.
If that's the case, then I sure hope you got what you wanted.
No effort being put to truly address the problem of our seperation was not on you, it was on the family. The very family who never gave two fucks about us truly. So, nothing new there. It was always going to be just me and you, they couldn't even reach the level of depth we use in communicating our issues, or the things that we address.
I think I am only just starting to make peace with things.
I think of you now as an imaginary friend, for the way it all vanished and disappeared as if it never really happened feels very much like that.
Thank you for your visitation, it was nice while it lasted.
Adios, my friend.
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