The Letters

I thought and somehow have hoped life would end around now. It seems I was delusional, but you can't blame that weary mind of mine. Still, I am around and I am trying to make the best out of the situation, any situation at all really. 

I have been very watchful of how my mind loses its balance, ever so effortlessly, at the mere interference of emotions and the matters of heart. So I have been applying myself, doing all I could to try to self regulate. Mind, nervous system, thoughts, actions... 

In an ideal world, there would be switches you could flip to turn off one's feelings, or a simple wire cutting when ending an emotional contact with another being. But since that isn't the case, and since I am done reaching out sickly to people who have done me more damage than good, I am coming up with ways where I could feel the feelings I need to get in touch with when the emotions arise, and go with notions, and then release them. There is no need for the other to know about it, being contacted, or be part of this at all. This is after all merely my system processing what has been unknowingly to me at the time very traumatic events or periods. The signs of all I am and been going through being the pointers. 

I don't un-love, but I am learning to detach. While the latter is practical steps to take, follow, and stick to, the former is hard to live with. Not being able to unlove the ones we once loved so very dearly, means that it's still there inside, we've just decided to bury it. We is me, as they simply don't care, nor live the same experience as I do - or have done in the dynamic of whatever relationship or context that was. 

I have loved and still love oh so many people, most if not all had to get out of my life, for the way the lack of reciprocity and the extremely imbalance give and take dynamic we usually have set up is detrimental to my health, on all levels. 

I think that Letters would work as a mediator between my broken and injured attached self, and my newly born detached and free self. I am currently in the middle, and I feel a huge urge to connect with these people or the aspect of me that was alive and activated when I had them in my life. It is also a series of goodbyes, making since of what I was mostly unable to make sense of. And if it all fails, there would be at least the short visit of our memories, but also, most importantly, love flowing their way, for that heart of mine still does its thing, and what can a wearied human body do but oblige. 

The Letters are going to be a new series of posts I dedicate to the special people whom I encountered and cared very deeply for. It is a hello, and how are you, when the sensible thing is to not do that at all. Thankfully, writing comes once again to the rescue...