Sail away

Perhaps too I'm writing in an attempt to face the shame that I lived with my entire life. The shame of not being loved, wanted. It began with my mother who kept offloading me as a baby, though I had extreme health problems since birth. Going through my sister's rejection, then her and my friends betrayals, then my husband's constant cheating, his repeated abandonment, all of the failed relationships afterwards, leading up to the latest that exploded the can of worms... My own daughter's rejection.

I am writing so that I look at that shame monster in the eye, and tell it you don't scare me. Let it be known and out for people to see. 

I havent been loved, I don't even know what that feels like. My mind has been so messed with that the only safe territory for me in relationships is manipulation and abuse. That is familiar to me. That feels home to me.

I'm not ashamed for being mentally disturbed because it happened to me. I didn't do it. 

But then I started seeing what I did do myself, and I wanted to stop doing it. But it upsetted all those who were benefitting, and my waking up from my shame induced coma didn't suit them.

But fuck this shit because I grew so fucking tired from chasing a dream, an illusion. Burning myself trying to give value so that I am approved, so that I am validated, so that I am wanted, so that I am loved...

Even the most default love that should come in naturally, the most basic, the most instinctive one, the love of a mother, the love of a daughter, I had to keep chasing it, burning myself, to no avail. 

It ends here, it ends today. Enough bleeding. Enough pleading. 

I'm just going to have to make do with imagining what it would feel like, look like, being appreciated, been taken care of, been truly loved, and receiving, so that I can start going towards that direction, and leave that most dried up, scarce shore. 

Ahoy!