Mirage

I've constructed a whole fictional world out of the mirage... I believed it too, and I was forever spell bound in this bubble, which served to facilitate all the predatory actions of all the ill spirited people I managed to gather around, and serve. All in the name of love, fueled by codependency, abandonment / attachment wounds, and an eternal flow of imaginative creative constructive energy. 

Then it was all taken away from me, I was made to see the mirage for what it was, and I had been heartbroken ever since. 

All the people the lovers the family the friends... They were only just a mirage; explains my agony and torment all of my life. Then my vision got sharpened, slowly at the start, enough to allow me to bounce back and forth between the mirage and the reality, and quite abruptly afterwards, leaving no room for me to hide, no narrative, no dynamic, no story, no face, no body. 

I have become so very starved, and I have always been hungry, for what was not given at the very start of this life journey could not be made up for in the later stages. Poor entrapped mind, entrapping my soul, and I made do with that, I made it so that it was the norm, my norm.

But then again, snap! Taken away. Whatever has been running in hiding mode was made to come to the surface and be revealed for what it is. It's not personal, those are the days of the current collective changes. 

On one hand, it sounds pretty cool and quite phenomenal, to witness this evolutionary change, on the other hand, I'm tired. 

There is only one way to source whatever my mind think it needs from outside of me, and that is being my own provider. I got it all within, wasn't it what I had been using to try and convince people to stay to begin with!?... 

They all stayed, as long as I kept providing and facilitating, that access to the infinite bright light, without there being anything ever reciprocated to me. How could they anyway, who could have!?... They were always just beggars in royalty costume, wolves in sheep's skin! 

And I was to witness to unrevealing of that shit show, in real time. For years on end now, and I struggled, God knows I did. 

And now? I got to let go of the mirage, I have to let go of the illusion, I have to let go of whatever safety my system has created in my mind and in my body from that facade, and try and stay anchored...

For indeed there is no Home anymore but in the truth, and if it meant to remain only with and inside myself, for lack of anything or anyone truthful outside of it, then be it. 

And I say a little prayer of gratitude, for if it was up to me, I would've remained spell bound in the mythical reality of the ill spirited people of this dark place, perhaps forever and ever too... 

Thank you ever so much, for the remembering, if for anything at all. 

Onwards and upwards we go. 

Bring it on!

Animal Farm

Like the cattle, they're all stamped and marked. They call it "inked" and "pierced", convinced it sounds cool. They were their inherited religious symbols around their necks, wrists, and on their chests, like some badge of honor. Slaves and cattle with shrunken square brains and flat hearts. Flat is a good word, they are utterly flat and bland. They are not the fools though, I am, for still looking. I'm rewiring my whole system not to see, not to collect more data, not to memorize the faces, the content, not to scan the eyes. "Nobody's home" era has been brought into its next level. Hallow shells walking, ultimately taken, utterly replaced-able. 

What is all of this reflecting back to me? (Since all there is truly is only just ourselves.) My inability to fill up my own world to the brim, so much so that there would be no room nor the least interest to look outside of it. Haven't I seen it all already anyway? I did indeed. Then what is it that keeps making me want to peek every now and then? That foolish dreamer mind, that hopeless delusional heart!... But try as I might, God has taken charge of my soul direction again. I'm allowed to wander all I want, "entertain yourself" it says... "Knock yourself out" I say to myself, for there is no avoiding the rerouting. "45 years is more than enough" it says, "but why me" I say... 

I am yet to receive the answer. 

In the meantime, the dragon is dormant close by, always on stand by for my command, should I ever wish to allow my mind and soul to wander, not aimlessly for once, with precision, purpose, and calculated direction. 

The question remains, is anything or anyone even worth the effort, the sacred fire? Not long now until their own fire starts eating them up from the inside out. I did not sign up for this show, but I might be given clear instructions to sit down and just watch! 

My motto for this stage: 

Keep going. Hope for the best. Brace for impact.

In the meantime, I might as well keep on swiping left and right on those dating apps every now and then and marvel at the scene from behind the screen. 

All hail the(ir) gods of distraction, destruction, and delusion!..