It shouldn't have rained, it wasn't expected to.
My washing is hanging out to dry, now soaking wet.
I shouldn't have cried either, I had already grieved and mourned, for several lifetimes over.
I don't have a sleeping pattern anymore, I am often finding myself having dozed off in the middle of a contemplation session in bed in the middle of the day, or after an excessive weeping session in the morning, or on an early evening crash.
Everything is overwhelming; the reality, my thoughts of it, my reality, the past, the present, the future...
It feels as though I roam without a skin these days. The new level of sensitivity is making me feel extremely fragile and vulnerable. Everything on the outside is being sensed right through the inside of my body, no skin shielding.
I don't crave the human embrace like my usual anymore, I now crave it like my life depends on it, as though it's the very skin that would lessen the effect of this existence on me.
The ground is still shifting, the tremors don't stop, but only crazy people like me notice it, feel it, or care to talk about it.
The sky keeps on being messed with too, very badly so. I could hardly make out what is being done to the air anymore, but my incessant crashing of late is very telling for sure.
I keep downloading dating apps and deleting them. I have reached a new level of despair, nobody's home, but while I'm here, and that crazy heart of mine still bursting with life, I got to venture. Who's there to love, who indeed!?!
Something happened to the timelines lately, I seem to be only bringing things from the past and making them much more relevant here and now, oddly. That tenacity of mine, I never tire, it sure surprises even me!
I brought all the love and the vibrant memory of my loving heart to all those I loved in my childhood and growing up. All the men, the friends, the family members, the randoms, the strangers, the close ones, the lovers, the children.
And now I cry and weep as I learn to detach and surrender the need to control the outcome of it all. "It is what it is".
I'm bleeding too. My womb is missing and craving and longing, it's crying with me, but at least I get the cycles. There will be time again soon for the embraces...
I'm detoxing and suffering from very strong withdrawals. My strong will power can be scary sometimes. I don't know how I do it, but I do. Reset and reboot, time and again!
To feel so much, to devour so much, to contain so much, and then to go cold turkey, disconnect, detach.
I was created like that, no point resisting anymore, it is written in the stars. I've actually been studying my birth chart recently , just wow! Says it all...
I can't be bothered about cleaning lately, the place is in a mess, and I'm so annoyed about it. I also keep thinking that I don't wish to die suddenly while my floors are dirty or things need dusting, I genuinely need to go with the place nice and neat. But oh well, this is the reality for now, I suppose I ain't going anytime soon from the look of it! But one still hopes...
On another note, I'm finding solace in my constantly fresh, crispy clean cotton bed linen, I seem to be changing and cleaning those regularly without failing or tiring. At least I got that going on for me, through all the despair. The sensation and the smell seems to be doing the perfect thing to my body and mind, now more than ever before, perhaps they've become my missing skin for the time being.
For that at least, and at this moment, I'm grateful.
Tomorrow,
That's another day...
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