I've known with time and as I was getting older that there's something wrong with my mind. It took me very long to start understanding that the extremity of my emotions, my intense reactions, my boundaries, both the lose and the rigid ones, and the way I do relationshops, all relationships, was not ordinary. But then I understood with time and aging too my true making, so that being intense and what I thrive on and my standards and values made perfect sense when considered in the mix.
And then there was the well that was the traumas, which I only started to discover and truly understand in the recent years. Meaning that physically speaking, my brain could've have went through a lot of damages as a result, from a biological point of view.
Given I'm eccentric and crazy and whatnot, I always respected people's boundaries. Those who felt uncomfortable with me were given their space. I would always try to communicate my thoughts and my feelings and intention to make it clear and keep it straight forward and direct. The rather sad thing is that people would stick around despite that, because all of these screamed mental illness, and so people did what people do, they take advantage...
Of course if I was to have any family at all, there would have been some sort of containment or a sort. Not having family, losing parents, then most narcissistic psychopathic abusive husband... I accepted everything and anything after that. I would accept and settle for breadcrumbs because guess what, I was famished by then. Any affection at all, any closeness of any sort, any kind of intimacy, any sight of loyalty, and hint of commitment, presence, continuity....
Of course, that was on me by that stage, I fucked myself up, by settling for anything at all.
Even daughter, she would admire other totally brutal mothers, and I would be shocked, thinking what's wrong with that picture, she had a safe and pleasant childhood because of my softness, why does she admire these wild and manipulative sick mothers! I get it now, I represented the breadcrumbs mother. I was very insecure, very anxious, very traumatized, very scared and fragile deep inside, that the outside appearances meant nothing to her. She detested my guts towards the end. (Though I was a true protective and genuine mama bear through and through... But what I do I know, I seem to be always inside a world of my own, different priorities and different objectives and different values.)
Of course there's always the argument that our strong reaction to others is a direct reflection of what we are rejecting in ourselves.
And the argument that there is no you and I, whatever you do to others you do yourself...
Etc. Etc.
But I don't need to get there... I'm passing by, just wanting to say really, that my pain is very big, battling mental illness is extremely painful, I have dealt with it my whole entire life, not even knowing that there is an alternative, thinking all people feel so much like that, and get frozen.
But recently and after getting rid of more addictions, bad habits, weak decisions, wrong people, I am more able to see through it all, my mind isn't well.
And when for the very first time ever I said it directly last year to her father and my sister whom were supporting her in her actions because of their own issues with me personally, they just didn't care.
I cried and I begged them not to let our personal issues to get them to support her split from me, and that if they cared about her at all, they should keep our tie because she still needs her mother, and her age and situation is sensitive.
Oh what a naiive I have been!
They pursued with it, until the very end. And I was cut back...
And her, she has her own mental troubles too, of course I was on it on my own too, they just want to deal with her shell, for fear of having to face any of the real deal or their own shadows!
But then there were all of them demons uniting, and what power did I have?! What powers do I have!?
I've lost, they won.
She got freedom from my "imprisonment".
Her auntie got to live her motherhood fantasy like a lousy little child with her baffoon of a boyfriend whom she's using for her wife fantasy...
And her father, well he saved himself some 5000$, simply erasing all the money he owed me over the years for child custody, just like that, because he can, like he did all the atrocities his entire life!
I don't give a damn about her father or my sister, let them rot in hell for all I care.
But her... She was always my concern, I was always committed and dedicated.
But then she freed herself from me, and I do honestly hope she's at peace.
My pain is mine, however, my mental illness is mine, my problems, my pains, it's on me. It's not her fault she was born to a damaged mother, but it is her fault to cause me more pain when I was pleading... The lack of empathy is on her too, you'd have more compassion to a nanny that looked after you, almost alone, all those years, or even a pet...
I didn't beg her for money or to stick around or anything at all... I only just cried out to allow me to lover her still, but even that even then it disgusted her. She wanted to control how I thought of her, how I felt towards her, how I handled her, what I said about my feelings, what I thought! She would come around knowing how desperate I am to keep our bond, but would only ever take and take and take, not even throwing breadcrumbs at me. Instead, wanting to hurt me to teach me, to change me, so she could feel empowered and good about herself, so she could make up for all the years when she couldn't stand up for herself.
I have become my daughter's main enemy and burden! If this in itself isn't mental illness, I don't know what is. Distorted realities through and through...
And I did lose her, and I loved her too much to be able to see her turning into a total sociopath...
But I accepted it, because guess what, not being able to see it much earlier was my own doing, because of my unstable mind, it was on me! I blamed me again and again and again.
A stable mind would've been able to spot it, recognize it, and alert me.
A stable mind would've preserved its person from being used and abused.
A stable mind wouldn't have gotten me into her father, or back to him after all he did.
A stable mind wouldn't have allowed my sister in my life again after all she did in the past.
A stable mind would have seen through Chris and all his games.
A stable mind would've managed to keep my daughter with me...
But I was outcast, because of that unstable mind, by the crazies themselves!
There is nothing left to do, but to move on now.
Find people and things that are good for my mental health and my nervous system.
Try to stay away from manipulative and abusive patterns whenever I can.
Write because that's the only time i get to truly love myself, by giving myself the space to express my thoughts and feelings, uninterrupted.
Write because all I ever have is myself. I write, I read, I feel, I reflect, I heal.
And if not, fuck it anyway!!!!
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