Another start, still grieving, but learning to resist less, and be open to receiving all the downloads, messages, insights. Flashback mode is on. Vivid dreams mode is on.
I cut out sugar for good this week. I was having very little towards the end anyway, it's been my number 1 addiction throughout my life. I nearly lost it this morning, but I went out and gotten myself dates. Nervous system can have a little break now. I'm sipping on my sugar free hot chocolate, while fan speed is full on and a cool September breeze coming in through the windows.
I don't see people anymore, I've cut off almost everyone I know. There was nothing in it for me anyway, all those encounters, I had just been programmed and wired to run on extremely off nervous system, and so the stress of not receiving, and for my effort, energy, and love, never to be reciprocated, has been one major addiction of mine. I was oblivious to it all, thankfully, I've become conscious.
My body is in extreme pain, all of it, chronic fatigue and years, even decades old pain are all been activated. Whatever I was busy pushing down, came out rushing, the moment I said: enough.
There isn't much I'm capable of achieving at this stage, I pray. My prayer is celibacy, fasting, and silence. These are the three pillars I now live by. God doesn't just come to me, God is within me. I've been cleaning the vessel, and now I'm purifying. Default setting shall be restored fully soon. In the meantime, there's crying, and purging, and crying through purging, and purging through crying, and, remembrance...
The remembering alone, I could write essays on it, but that's for another time. I'm often thankful and grateful, for I have been found, and made to remember. It was a short call from falling and disappearing, but there was divine intervention, numerous ones. I now bask in the grace of it all.
There is constant shivering, body jolting and shaking, as though pushing out all of that stagnant pain and toxicity, all of that which I have held within that was never mine to begin with.
One thing for sure, I am never to doubt myself again, that inner voice, my intuition, has always been on point. I was simply made to question my mere existence all the time, thanks to age old gaslighting running throughout my life, abuse, maniplulation, discard, neglect, through almost all of the people I have known, especially family, especially husbands, especially partners, and friends!
I live in peace as the noise of it and them all has been reduced first, then eradicated. I was never up to the noise nor the chaos to begin with. I was always all about sounds. Mine, and theirs. All they wanted to ever do was create chaos through noise, and noise through chaos, anything to mute the bliss, anything to face the reality.
The more clean the vessel has become, the clearer it reflected back to them their reality, and I hated me for it. And so, I started to have enemies for the first time in my life. Being truly hated, rejected, punished, silenced.
I now get it, all of the pains inflicted on me, all of my life, through every single one. Now I know, I no longer wonder in despair, nor wanting closures, or looking for answers.
I am relieved, and humbled. Thank you, thank you!
I didn't just start living this solitude life, it has always been only myself anyway. All the relationships and dynamics and a lifetime of events and daytoday living, I was the one in charge of it, I was the one making, creating, working, putting in the time, the energy, the effort, the hope, the goals, sharing the successes, processing and transmuting the failures. I have been the one showing up, uplifting, encouraging, forgiving, forgetting, forging, coaching, mentoring. I have been the only one holding space. I have been the one seeing through. I have been the one loving. I have been the love. But a lifetime of being projected on by evil embodied beings messes badly with one's mind!
Thankfully though, I have remembered and am remembering.
I no longer chase hope nor wanting to see change. I quit this game. I let them play by their own rules and through their own ways, and I keep my own knowing of it all being just a game to myself. Whatever it is they think or feel, I validate that. I just let them...
All these past cycles, starting and ending, I now know what it was all about, I rejoice, I smile in silence, and I say a little prayer of gratitude ever so often, throughout my day.
My one go to prayer is only: thank you.
Amen.
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