"We're all mad here."

"We're all mad here", I only just happen to be the one pointing out the madness and being ostracized for it. 

I can not stop doing it, it keeps my madness at bay, pointing out to it, but what is truly madenning is the fact that they call me the mad one for it and carrying on with their pretend game. 

This celibacy journey of mine now ought to serve a very good purpose of figuring out my woundings that show up in relationships and dynamics. I have a long file of patterns that I could study. At the end of my study, I would have come up with lists of what works, what doesn't, and what is flexible and changeable. When I am going to eventually want to meet a man in the future, I will use my lists to be direct and clear about what and who I am, and what I would like to receive from our dynamic, and what I can and would like to give in it. What is a total no no, and stick my ground and perhaps too, most importantly, check to see if how aware is he with this madness existence or if he performs and pretends, in which case, I shall abort mission getting out celibacy. I'm too old for this shit at this stage but life seems to be still going and my system still seems to be wanting to do this togetherness thing. 

I'm mad indeed.