Yours truly

I bathed in the sun without you for the first time, on our Sunday, took me 5 weeks to do. It was me and the thought of you, in my chest, not in my mind. I cried a little here and there, but mostly I allowed that newly cleansed vessel inside of me to just hold you a little. I've missed you. I conversed with God at the peek of the moment, he missed you too. We had to let you be, and respect your choice, of spirit entanglements, and the dark side. We loved you through it, we still do, our distance is our love for you at this stage. 

I cried too from the knowing, of all the pains and the distortions inside of your head, heart, and soul. I knew a little too much for somebody just wanting a light - and grounding with earthly pleasures - relationship. Every moment with you I was brought up to the 7th sky, and pulled down to the 7th hell. I loved your extremes. I hated your demons. I missed your soul, always have. But nothing beats the current peace. Damn you and the chaos you create! 

I get to write my useless words again, since this whole realm is not the reality anyway. I might as well have my own little delusional reality within it, if it comes to that. You were at its centre for a while, for several months, for 9 months to be exact. I sure have pushed you out of my womb, you silly little thing!

I miss the sight of you, I miss your voice, I miss the warmth of your touch, I miss our embrace, and I miss your vulnerability. You couldn't mask it towards the end anymore, and it drove you crazy. The pretences were dropping down, and you got too busy working on new ones, but those never worked. I have wanted to see you all, for I have appreciated and accepted all of your sides and aspects. You thought you could keep things together by sticking on more new show offs and fake gestures and empty words. It was just not going to work anymore, I naiively thought I was giving you pointers. Everything was a threat to you, a challenge, a bet. What a shame, what a waste!...

I had to forgive you eventually. I was right all along; you've never handled a full woman before, requiring from you to be a real human being. You've never beenor in a real, non transactional relationship before. I should've known better, but then again, you are indeed my teacher, through and through. 

You showed me just how inverted this reality is, and just how seriously and badly damaged the people are. You showed me, for how else could I have seen it, if I didn't go down the street! Except, you brought the streets to my home, to our home, and you fought and attached and assaulted me hard like your nemesis, or like your male friend, or like a total stranger who happened to have sworn at you after you started the attack.

Thank you for the lessons. I am sorry for my naivety. We played good and evil. You know the biggest trick the devil pulled?

Yeah, never mind... 

I don't pray for you anymore like I used to before. Instead, I just speak to God about my feelings and thoughts, and I release you from me to him everytime, with a little bit more detachment every single time. It seems to be doing the trick. I am indeed over you.

For whatever it's worth though,

Fuck you!!! 

Yours, truly.