Trauma coma

My days are spent in a continuous attempt to put myself together again, to recollect the memories, to hone the narrative. 

Recurrent nightmares are invading my nights, increasingly so as the days go by. Same people, same daunting events, situations, and places. 

In my waking time, I have started to forget things; details and moments. The invasion of nightmares messing up with the already tainted reality isn't helping. 

Between the forgetting, the dissociation, the ascension, and the haunting nightmares, I feel as though I have already left this body.

I look back at the past with disbelief still. Did it all really happen!? How did I let it all happen!?

It feels as though I'm awakening from a lifetime coma induced by the initial trauma as a child, and maintained by the real time trauma that I had allowed / created with my auto pilot existence as an adult. 

I keep checking out info, reading relevant literature, I'm not letting go of myself, I'm wanting to learn how to love and assist myself in these most disorienting times, against all odds, but there just seems to be no stopping that ever increasing spacing out... 

I'm giving up a little though, not sure on what or whom. 

I didn't know there would need to be so many endings. In fact, I didn't know much at all. I was simply floating, like everybody seems to be still doing. 

I miss everybody... 

but I just can't seem to be able to bridge the gap anymore.