Thursday, September 21, 2023

Erratic

I was finally out of the house yesterday for the first time in three weeks since the move. I feared for my mind, body definitely needed the walk too. I did my good old routine of grocery shopping from the close by supermarket. I looked up all the changes, staff, faces, the street, shops, gone and new...

I was overcome with a flood of emotions before I left. My heart and mind have been occupied processing way too many memories, and worrying about the future. I had to slow things down, to come back to the present moment, try to make any sense of it. Nothing made sense, but I focused on the small things. Grocery shopping does it every time. It's necessary, it's time consuming, it's distractive, it gets the body going and the senses active. Also, needless to say, I was in the heart of the city now, the hussle ans bustle is the reason why I'm here again. I wish to lose myself in the traffic, take my mind away from my own chaos. 

I went to the Indian shops, got myself some of the usual, ripe mangoes, incense, and black seeds. Checked the new / old shops there too. Many prostitutes running wild, it wasn't even 8:00 yet.

All changes duly noted, headed back home, new neighbours too. They don't know me, I don't know them. Still, the small talk and casual chats between all whom I encountered was heartwarming. I needed exactly that. 

Sister texts me when I was coming up, dropping shopping bags, then going out again, asking if I'd like to eat with them. Them being her and my own daughter. She has her now, she always wanted to have what's mine. I politely declined. I have never wanted to be left alone by the so called family and friends more so than now. I need to stop the bleeding...

The writing isn't flowing, I'm struggling still with the downsizing, my mind is erratic, and overwhelmed with the objects around me. I didn't realize just how much accustomed I have become to sleeping in an empty room. I miss the space for sure, but these aren't the times for wallowing.

I'll give my system more time, I will get my peace again, a little bit closer every new day, with the help of the weather changing too in due time. 

I need to get back to my workbench too, which I know would have an immediate calming effect and a system reboot.

Very soon hopefully, I left work till last. 

I'll be then home, truly. 

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