Done deed

I don't want another house, another apartment, another flat. I don't even want a studio. I only need one room, with a door, and a lock. I don't need a kitchenette, just give me the smallest sink, and the smallest burner, and the tiniest little fridge. I don't need space, I don't need panoramic views. I don't need scenic windows, I don't need fanciful neighborhood. Just give me a little window where I can get a bit of sky, and daylight. I don't need a bathroom, give me a basic toilet, with a functioning shower, I'd be grateful. I don't need my furniture, I don't want any visitors. Give me enough space for only just a little table, I'll work and create from there. That is all I need. Give me my privacy, let me keep my dignity. It's the last fight now, God please God please God, I only just pray for my dignity to be intact. I've done so much, I've given so much, I now get it there is no return, I don't want anything, only just won't you please, please, let me keep my dignity. 

All the things I excell at and do are worth nothing in this time and age. Nobody wants my words, nobody has use for the pretty trinkets and jewelry I make, nobody wishes to pay for any of the delicious things I make and bake. Free everything is the way. Nobody cares play music with me, nobody wishes to hear out my thoughts, my insights, the sounds I make, the drumming I do. Not even daughter is interested in the limitless free support, love, and guidance anymore. If it doesn't come with a piece of your soul, nobody wants to get anything from you. If it doesn't come with a bit of ownership over you, if it doesn't feed their ego and demons, nobody's buying a thing.

I don't want the trading, I'm done with the waiting, for the people to wake up, for the light to prevail, for their spirit returning, for the soul reclaiming. It's over now, I'm pushed beyond what I ever thought possible. I'll keep crying in silence, parting every day a little bit more with the hope. Connecting every day a little bit more with the faith. God is with me, I am with God. Not all is lost. How could it be... 

Preserve yourself now, all that's been given was not wasting, but it's all over now. A clean slate, a new chapter, turn the page. 

That's the rebirth you've been tapping into for years, that's your death now. First you sense it, then you live it. It's OK, you always knew. Some more goodbyes to go... And then you're free. 

Free from expectations. Free from the crippling hope. Free from your naivety. Clarity is your salvation. 

More please, won't you open my eyes and mind and whole being to the true reality that is this world and its people. Done with the lessons, I'm weary to the bone. I only just wish to exist now, with no weight and burdens - even if just briefly, to gather my strength again, to lick my wounds. 

Guide me, show me, help me see, crack my mind open, make me know in my heart and being the road to take next. 

I don't want this fancy looking building with the most racist and narrowminded neighbours. I can't tolerate their vanity anymore, I'm so very tired from their phoniness and empty-headedness. Give me a real neighborhood with real vendors and colorful people. Free my legs, let me pace the local streets, let me stare at the faces, let me spot the smiles, inner and outer. Let me feel the pain, let me know the ways. Let me pick my own fruits and vegetables... 

Get me outta here, pretty please. 

Please, please, please make it work. 

Amen. 

Thank you, 

Thank you.