Today I worked

I haven't forgotten the many thousands of dollars owed to me in child support by my first ex husband from the years were people lazying around with lockdowns and what not, while I killed myself with work, trying to keep that boat carrying me and daughter floating...

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten the many hundreds of dollars stolen from the bank account at the most sensitive and crucial time of closing my etsy business the way I knew ive done it for years so that I no longer use my ex's bank account, out of my own stupid nobleness...

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten the detachment, the distance, the disinterest my daughter - whom I raised almost entirely by myself - feels when I have suffered financially in the recent years, yet her interest, and closeness when I would make the occasional money...

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten the deafening silence of my family, sister and brothers at my plead and crying for my money unjustly taken away from me, my suffering, my pain...

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten the lavish spending I did all those years ive been living on the people I love and cherish, all the meals I cooked, all the spoiling and pampering, all the hours standing on my feet for them, and their vanishing when I truly was low and in need for nurturing, any of it...

But today, I worked.

I havent, oh God I haven't forgotten the most fucked up day of my life when brother called to ask me to cancel my set up to his paypal account in Sweden, ruining the last bit of any hope I had for work and  putting my life back together, throwing away several months of work I was doing alone on my new website, week of work between my brother in sweden and the support team here in lebanon. I haven't forgotten ruining my life yet another time for the people in my life, and because of the people in my life... 

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten my sister's words to my daughter when she asked her endearingly to get her something specific, she replied with I'm not earning dollars like your mother. I haven't, few months later, I stopped making money. Daughter still didn't get it... 

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten how one day that very sister was eating on my table, the food I made, my years of learning, trying, persevering... only for her to talk to my ex the very next day, that very same person who haven't sent me money for months on end, money owed to me by court, not out of humanness, or decency, the mere necessities, breadcrumbs. I wish I have forgotten, but I haven't... 

Yet today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten the many times she betrayed me and let me down, I haven't forgotten the many moves I made without my brother visiting me. I haven't forgotten the explosion and my move and battling through in the middle of it all, keep myself and daughter safe and sane. But I supposed I failed at the latter... I shall forget one day, perhaps, and maybe not... 

But today, I worked. 

I haven't forgotten how my ex called and told me in cold blood after daughter flew the nest that he won't be sending me any money anymore. I won't forget how daughter was so fine with it, not once she asked for him to reconsider. I haven't forgotten how this world works in wondrous ways, and how the people I thought I loved and housed and nurtured were zombies waiting so eagerly for their turning, and they turned. I haven't forgotten, I could still see it, I feel it in my body... 

But today, I worked. 

Oh how many stories I have in me that needs telling, oh how many people I loved so very dearly. Oh how much I cared, I sacrificed, I gave. I didn't want anything in return, I only just never thought I'd be stabbed repeatedly in the heart like they did. But I had to at least only just stop the continuous stabbing. And so I shall not forget... 

Still, today I worked. 

I haven't forgotten my sister's face when she exclaimed to me after my very first tv intervew and acknowledgment as a jewelry artisan that I ought to be in the intellectual world, I'm an intellect, she sees me better than only just this. 

I haven't forgotten how she answered me the most coldly answer ever when I rang her phone directly frmo England when I was only few months pregnant and describing to her ever so poetically just how magical this pregnancy thing feels, every mother feels this way she said. I was not special, nor my child, nor my pregnancy, nor the way I felt or existed. Fuck her for loathing me my whole existing, for the evil she sends my way every day of her life. How could I ever forget, all the many many things she did against me, as though I was the nemesis not the sister. I shan't forget... I will forgive though, perhaps one of those days. 

Today, however, I worked. 

I worked despite all the pain that I couldn't function from it, emotional, physical, mental... bodily weight, weight of all types and sorts and ways. Heaviness and darkness and mess and chaos, and people's filth! Will I ever forgot, I don't know... 

Today for sure though, I worked. 

I worked like my old self, I worked with faith, I worked with hope. I worked with prayers, I worked with gratitude, I worked for myself, for there was never ever anybody that did anything for me. 

Today I realized just how much I owe to myself, all that has been drained and wasted from me on all those people, I deserved it better. 

Today I remembered how it was to give to myself, in fact today I learned how it feels to give to myself. I don't know yet if I can do it or if it will work eventually, but I worked anyway... like the fierce mama bear i used to be, nothing stopping me ever, for the better good of my baby. 

Today i was my own baby, and I pushed through, and I worked. 

Today I realized that "protect the baby"angel message I got a while back when I was high wasn't for the children or the people outside of me, the protect the baby message was for myself. 

I cant for the life of me call any of the people I know baby, there hasn't been purity in sight for oh so long. But despite all, I'm still as naiive as an idiot and a retarded fool. 

Today I learned to protect the baby, there was nobody else left, but the memory of what it used to be when I mattered to someone before, I was his baby. 

I'll protect myself for him, because I love him that much. 

Father and the angels, help me protect me, for I have lost everyone and everything, and the road seems very long still, and I shall never break! 

Amen. 

Thank you, 
Thank you.