It is fated, or is it

To be an adult is to heal is to know. To be an adult is to know how and when and with what to stop the pain. To be an adult is to know how to handle humans. To be an adult is to be in charge. To be an adult is to be aware and conscious. To be an adult is not to allow anybody to harm you. To be an adult is to be aware of your space, boundaries, limits. To be an adult is to know how to receive. To be an adult is to know how to demand. To be an adult is to know when to ask. To be an adult is to know what to get. To be an adult is to know, is to be, is to be. I am not an adult. I am only just a mother. I have always ever just been a mother. Was it my mother wound so early on in life that has dictated how I connect, feel, think, exist? I am wounded, mother wound, daughter wound, an endless wounded existence that tires my very soul. I pray for whatever is out there or inside of me to get me out of this head space, this trauma zone, this freeze. All the men I encounter put together, could not compensate for the single motherly moment I ever needed. All the embracing, all the fucking, all the gentle caresses, all the sweet words, all of the present stares, all of the stories, all of their hopes, all of my dreams, all of the past, the marriages, and the in betweens... I'm vacant still, hollow and empty, would my mother ever fill me. Would a mother ever do. Nobody ever will, it is just destined. She never was interested. All the men in my life have turned into my mother. All the men into my life have turned me into their mothers. I don't exist as a human. My womanhood is only there to serve my mother wound. Love me and nurture me. Let me love and nurture you. It is give and take existence always, I have never learned and I am yet to learn how to co-exist, how to share without losing myself, how to receive. I don't know how to receive. I don't know how to receive. I was never shown. I never received. I over share, I over give. My trauma wounds activated. All at once, old and new. Give and disspitate. Never give and receive. It was fated. 

The only way to break this curse is to get out of that pain, create new path, change how I handle people, situations, and how I allow people to handle me. I am not an adult, I am a child in a big woman's body who only knows how to function as a mother. Take away the child and I am lost, hollow, empty, lifeless. 

Take away my only safe person, because, plot twist! Nobody's safe, all those years, I was only just postponing shit. Shit hit the fan now. 

Deal with your fate you stupid little over sentimental over thinking over feeling bitch! Wake up, you pathetic little scum. Nobody ever was interested in you, nobody ever was there truly, everybody's wanting to heal their own pains, and you just so happen to be there so open and flowing. 

Protect yourself like nobody ever did. 

I don't care if you don't know how. 

Fucking learn. 

Or else, 

repeat, 

more pain, 

same pain, 

some more, 

on and on, 

until the end. 

A lifeless existence, 

a generation of cursed mothers, 

and children, 

and cursed children who worship their abusive mothers, 

but not you, 

you stupid genuine thing, 

you get the cursed children, 

who hate their mothers, 

that's all. 

Acknowledge. 

Let go. 

Let...

Go...

Go, 

fucking leave!