I will stop now.
I will stop the blaming.
I will stop the questioning.
I will stop the whining and the weeping.
They did it all because they could, they did it all because I allowed it, they did it all because I was so weak.
I was so weak from so much pain.
All the pains that have messed up with my mind, my system, my physical body, my other bodies.
I was even more pained because they wouldn't behave humanely.
Things are chaotic, my mind is fried.
Still, I will stop it.
I will stop me.
From giving my power away, to them, he, she.
It ends here,
it ends today.
It
ends
now.
How will I start over, I am clueless.
Nothing to hold on to for the passage,
but it's ok,
I've done it so many times for her, over and again.
Now I do it for myself,
remember,
remember the strength.
They themselves are weak and powerless, the only power they got over you is the one you granted them, because you expected them to see, to be, to give.... to turn into your mother, a mother. Well wake up already, now we've done the work, now we've seen, now we know.
Let's get up and go baby girl.
I'll protect you now.
My nurturing mother self present for my wounded child self.
Momma bear will protect you now little bunny.
Hop off and go...
I am your home,
you're safe,
for whenever you return.
It is written all over my face!
A person whose mother never loved screams insecurity. Underneath the confident adult look there hides the child, insecure, scared, lonely, deserted. You should ask all the sociopaths I encountered in my life - . daughter included, I say this with utmost pain. But what is the point of holding on to the truths and keeping them hidden away anymore. They're eating me up on the inside, at least I'd be insecure, wounded, deserted but with less weight now, all the shame and guilt exposed. Let the summer sun burn it away, let the summer sun expose my wounds, let the summer hope transforms anything ready to be transmuted. All the tears I keep crying don't seem to be washing anything away. I long for the winter, this one is going to be different. I shall die, or be re-birthed. I don't know how, it must be done. It is time.
Who could hold me now?
Who could handle me truly?
Not today anyway,
The world is ending.
Watch out for the zombies,
Brace for the impact,
but be patient,
it
is
going
to
be
very
slow....
the end.
To be an adult is to heal is to know. To be an adult is to know how and when and with what to stop the pain. To be an adult is to know how to handle humans. To be an adult is to be in charge. To be an adult is to be aware and conscious. To be an adult is not to allow anybody to harm you. To be an adult is to be aware of your space, boundaries, limits. To be an adult is to know how to receive. To be an adult is to know how to demand. To be an adult is to know when to ask. To be an adult is to know what to get. To be an adult is to know, is to be, is to be. I am not an adult. I am only just a mother. I have always ever just been a mother. Was it my mother wound so early on in life that has dictated how I connect, feel, think, exist? I am wounded, mother wound, daughter wound, an endless wounded existence that tires my very soul. I pray for whatever is out there or inside of me to get me out of this head space, this trauma zone, this freeze. All the men I encounter put together, could not compensate for the single motherly moment I ever needed. All the embracing, all the fucking, all the gentle caresses, all the sweet words, all of the present stares, all of the stories, all of their hopes, all of my dreams, all of the past, the marriages, and the in betweens... I'm vacant still, hollow and empty, would my mother ever fill me. Would a mother ever do. Nobody ever will, it is just destined. She never was interested. All the men in my life have turned into my mother. All the men into my life have turned me into their mothers. I don't exist as a human. My womanhood is only there to serve my mother wound. Love me and nurture me. Let me love and nurture you. It is give and take existence always, I have never learned and I am yet to learn how to co-exist, how to share without losing myself, how to receive. I don't know how to receive. I don't know how to receive. I was never shown. I never received. I over share, I over give. My trauma wounds activated. All at once, old and new. Give and disspitate. Never give and receive. It was fated.
The only way to break this curse is to get out of that pain, create new path, change how I handle people, situations, and how I allow people to handle me. I am not an adult, I am a child in a big woman's body who only knows how to function as a mother. Take away the child and I am lost, hollow, empty, lifeless.
Take away my only safe person, because, plot twist! Nobody's safe, all those years, I was only just postponing shit. Shit hit the fan now.
Deal with your fate you stupid little over sentimental over thinking over feeling bitch! Wake up, you pathetic little scum. Nobody ever was interested in you, nobody ever was there truly, everybody's wanting to heal their own pains, and you just so happen to be there so open and flowing.
Protect yourself like nobody ever did.
I don't care if you don't know how.
Fucking learn.
Or else,
repeat,
more pain,
same pain,
some more,
on and on,
until the end.
A lifeless existence,
a generation of cursed mothers,
and children,
and cursed children who worship their abusive mothers,
but not you,
you stupid genuine thing,
you get the cursed children,
who hate their mothers,
that's all.
Acknowledge.
Let go.
Let...
Go...
Go,
fucking leave!
I haven't forgotten the many thousands of dollars owed to me in child support by my first ex husband from the years were people lazying around with lockdowns and what not, while I killed myself with work, trying to keep that boat carrying me and daughter floating...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten the many hundreds of dollars stolen from the bank account at the most sensitive and crucial time of closing my etsy business the way I knew ive done it for years so that I no longer use my ex's bank account, out of my own stupid nobleness...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten the detachment, the distance, the disinterest my daughter - whom I raised almost entirely by myself - feels when I have suffered financially in the recent years, yet her interest, and closeness when I would make the occasional money...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten the deafening silence of my family, sister and brothers at my plead and crying for my money unjustly taken away from me, my suffering, my pain...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten the lavish spending I did all those years ive been living on the people I love and cherish, all the meals I cooked, all the spoiling and pampering, all the hours standing on my feet for them, and their vanishing when I truly was low and in need for nurturing, any of it...
But today, I worked.
I havent, oh God I haven't forgotten the most fucked up day of my life when brother called to ask me to cancel my set up to his paypal account in Sweden, ruining the last bit of any hope I had for work and putting my life back together, throwing away several months of work I was doing alone on my new website, week of work between my brother in sweden and the support team here in lebanon. I haven't forgotten ruining my life yet another time for the people in my life, and because of the people in my life...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten my sister's words to my daughter when she asked her endearingly to get her something specific, she replied with I'm not earning dollars like your mother. I haven't, few months later, I stopped making money. Daughter still didn't get it...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten how one day that very sister was eating on my table, the food I made, my years of learning, trying, persevering... only for her to talk to my ex the very next day, that very same person who haven't sent me money for months on end, money owed to me by court, not out of humanness, or decency, the mere necessities, breadcrumbs. I wish I have forgotten, but I haven't...
Yet today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten the many times she betrayed me and let me down, I haven't forgotten the many moves I made without my brother visiting me. I haven't forgotten the explosion and my move and battling through in the middle of it all, keep myself and daughter safe and sane. But I supposed I failed at the latter... I shall forget one day, perhaps, and maybe not...
But today, I worked.
I haven't forgotten how my ex called and told me in cold blood after daughter flew the nest that he won't be sending me any money anymore. I won't forget how daughter was so fine with it, not once she asked for him to reconsider. I haven't forgotten how this world works in wondrous ways, and how the people I thought I loved and housed and nurtured were zombies waiting so eagerly for their turning, and they turned. I haven't forgotten, I could still see it, I feel it in my body...
But today, I worked.
Oh how many stories I have in me that needs telling, oh how many people I loved so very dearly. Oh how much I cared, I sacrificed, I gave. I didn't want anything in return, I only just never thought I'd be stabbed repeatedly in the heart like they did. But I had to at least only just stop the continuous stabbing. And so I shall not forget...
Still, today I worked.
I haven't forgotten my sister's face when she exclaimed to me after my very first tv intervew and acknowledgment as a jewelry artisan that I ought to be in the intellectual world, I'm an intellect, she sees me better than only just this.
I haven't forgotten how she answered me the most coldly answer ever when I rang her phone directly frmo England when I was only few months pregnant and describing to her ever so poetically just how magical this pregnancy thing feels, every mother feels this way she said. I was not special, nor my child, nor my pregnancy, nor the way I felt or existed. Fuck her for loathing me my whole existing, for the evil she sends my way every day of her life. How could I ever forget, all the many many things she did against me, as though I was the nemesis not the sister. I shan't forget... I will forgive though, perhaps one of those days.
Today, however, I worked.
I worked despite all the pain that I couldn't function from it, emotional, physical, mental... bodily weight, weight of all types and sorts and ways. Heaviness and darkness and mess and chaos, and people's filth! Will I ever forgot, I don't know...
Today for sure though, I worked.
I worked like my old self, I worked with faith, I worked with hope. I worked with prayers, I worked with gratitude, I worked for myself, for there was never ever anybody that did anything for me.
Today I realized just how much I owe to myself, all that has been drained and wasted from me on all those people, I deserved it better.
Today I remembered how it was to give to myself, in fact today I learned how it feels to give to myself. I don't know yet if I can do it or if it will work eventually, but I worked anyway... like the fierce mama bear i used to be, nothing stopping me ever, for the better good of my baby.
Today i was my own baby, and I pushed through, and I worked.
Today I realized that "protect the baby"angel message I got a while back when I was high wasn't for the children or the people outside of me, the protect the baby message was for myself.
I cant for the life of me call any of the people I know baby, there hasn't been purity in sight for oh so long. But despite all, I'm still as naiive as an idiot and a retarded fool.
Today I learned to protect the baby, there was nobody else left, but the memory of what it used to be when I mattered to someone before, I was his baby.
I'll protect myself for him, because I love him that much.
Father and the angels, help me protect me, for I have lost everyone and everything, and the road seems very long still, and I shall never break!
Amen.
Thank you,
Thank you.
It's a one-sided thing all over again. What am I missing? What is there to learn? What's the deal? Help me please. Heart is oh so heavy!
It's a one-sided thing, you watch them latch, until there's nothing left of you. Then they go, they let you charge alone, they wander and roam, and then they visit again, latch and suckle some more, until there is no more.
It's a one-sided thing, the giver and the taker. There is no exchange, there is no return. No turning back time, it is fated to be so.
It's a one-sided thing, no point fooling yourself with the fake hope. Hold on to whatever you need to hold on to... For the hunger is ever growing, so is greed, so is detachment, and the latching, a fake attachment.
It's a one-sided thing, the crone and the maiden. It's a one-sided thing, the mother ever hoping. It's a one-sided thing, stuck in between, lack and scarcity, my mother, and my daughter. It's a one-sided thing, death through life, and in between.
It's a one-sided thing, so much to experience, learn, and know. It's a one-sided thing, a pain birthing pain, feeding pain, growing pain.
It's a one-sided thing, nothing special, nothing so different nor unique. It's a one-sided thing, no polarities, same melancholy, same detachment, same deserting.
It's a one-sided thing, hold your ground.
It's a one-sided thing, feel it all, and then some more, and one day you're bound to understand.
It's a one-sided thing, you were made this way, it's a one-sided thing, did you all agree to it? It's a one-sided thing, learn all the sides of it. It's a one-sided thing, do you see it now? Do you know?
It's a one-sided thing for you have all the sides within you and maybe more, fill the cup of whomever needs it, and then some more... a child and maiden, mother and crone.
It's a one-sided thing, a lonesome dance, a heart that pours, never meant to receive.
It's written in the stars.
Accept it,
Perfect it.
