Mundane through insane

Three liters of water is what I shall be consuming from now on daily, as opposed to two liters. I also consume a lot of fluids via herbal teas throughout my days and evenings. Body is doing much better than weeks before, though I have come to believe that many of the chronic pains and ailments are directly related to my emotional state. Self care doesn't come naturally nor easy to me, but I'm teaching myself new habits, attempting to break old toxic patterns. 

I had my usual cold shower in the morning, followed by stretching. I cried in the shower, I cried when I was face down on my yoga mat, I cried when I was back down on my yoga mat, I cried when I stretched my shoulders, I cried when I cracked my back, I cried when I massaged the back of my neck. I cried when I made my bed, I cried when I squeezed my orange juice. When I sat on the balcony with the sun shining on my face, I was finally at peace, and quiet. I was soothed and comforted by the warmth, the light, nature sounds, and the bliss of finally being able to catch my breath, and for a brief moment, I was thoughtless, emotionless.  

I am so not doing well. I haven't been doing well in such a long time that I can't even remember the last time I was OK - truly being well and not just coping. I haven't realized just how fragile my mental health is, until I was forced to come face to face with my wounds again, those very wounds I thought I have healed, in several different stages too. 

My wounds are still open, and seriously bad. The more I threw myself into life, work, action, people, relationships, the more infected they've become. I have gotten so used to the infection and the numbing that I thought I was doing just fine. 

I no longer care about proper writing, impressive style, good English, proper grammar, or decent vocabulary. None of this is good for my mental health, pushing myself even more to be better in any new way is going to be detrimental on my overall health. I am to express myself and process things as often, as frequently, as much as I need from now own, zero fucks given to the outcome.

I no longer care about being perceived this way or that way. 

I am sick. 

I need to heal. 

That's just the way of life. 

Fuck people and so called friends and family. 

Fuck pretentious lovers and lost zombies. 

Fuck beggars, leaches, vampires. 

Fuck humans who have lost their humanness. 

Fuck all the pain that was ever inflicted on me. 

Fuck shame and guilt. 

Fuck gaslighting. 

Fuck enmeshment.

Fuck my silence...

I shall teach myself how to roar!