I no longer fight, push through, persevere, contain and hold the light. I barely get by waking up and doing mundane living things, then sleeping it all off, and then repeat again.
I have managed to salvage a lot of what I used to think valuable in the past, these days, there isn't anything worthy of any effort. Not my mental health, not my heart, and soul is barely keeping up.
I've never experienced such extent of loneliness in my life as the one I'm experiencing lately, it isn't caused by aloneness, quite the opposite. I'm so lonely for being surrounded by so many people. It isn't for lack of self expression either, I'm the master of that. They just don't see me, get me, hear me, know me, and I keep failing at connecting.
People and I, we do all sorts of things together, I host, I entertain, I nurture, I support, I help, but that's as far as it goes. I must be too stupid to create anything, anywhere, that could bring reciprocity in my life. Although I'm abundant, I seem to be only able to attract scarcity.
Even the fight between my mind and my soul, each trying to convince the other of my worth - or worthlessness, is starting to lose its importance, and I'm starting to listen less and less to their arguments.
The heart has been fluttering like crazy lately, I'm learning to ignore even my heart and the centre.
What difference does it make whether or not I did a good job as a mother, or if I ever was a good daughter.
The truth has always been straight and clear, I'm a motherless child, I'm a childless mother, despite what has ever been said and done.
I will keep teaching myself quitting, inspired from all the quitters I've known in my life. I ought to quit even the writing, for there is nothing worth my words, my thoughts, my feelings. Definitely nothing is asked of my pain, it can exist or not, my suffering too, useless as I am.
Here goes nothing, echoing in the nowhere.
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