April is almost over

Cat is not here anymore, I've been sad and low since. 
I missed our mornings, the birds and the sunlight, her following me in every room, the morning cuddles and the purring, the excitement, the meawing, and her presence... 
But, I knew she had to go, the mood changing, the unpredictability, the misbehavior, the attitude... it was just too much for my not usually cat person self to handle. 
She's with my sister now, she adopted her two weeks ago, she's getting along well with her cat, besties she calls them. And only today I can finally relax, she climbed up on her chest and cuddled for a little bit. 

The cat topic aside, I am overwhelmed with bouts of sadness and grief. My body is suffering greatly... under the stress of trying to find balance with the changes, all changes, I found myself going to drumming again. Only thing is, I can not do it anymore. My body is clearly telling me (has been doing so for a good while now), but I kept on ignorning, until it could do no more. I've been having physiotherapy, ciropractice, and thai massage, besides stretching at home, and nothing is working. The pain is not going away, nor waning. I found myself spending days (wasting) lately doing nothing but only just trying to cope with the pain and take it easy. 

I did manage to get hooked on reading again, I think it's my solace, especially that I found myself getting depressed again, I could not / would not allow it to consume, not this time around! 

Writing however, meh, I tried on several occasions to journal, and the pain of handwriting killed me. All the things one need for one's dominant arm and its joints! 

One thing I said to myself this morning however, I've got one thing constant and not changing for sure, and that's the warm weather. In the next few months and for the rest of the spring / summer period, the sun will almost always shine every morning, and throughout the day, the weather is expected to be hot / warm and in between, and the day relatively long. I can at least focus on this one fixed, constant and consistent routine to try to alleviate the anxiety of the continuous uncertainty and increasing levels of stress in our day to day life in this land of misery! 

Needless to say, I've been finding it extremely hard to keep my calm lately, I don't know how but things got so bad energetically speaking since I got the cat. And though a weight has been lifted since sister adopted her, it feels as though more cleaning (cleansing) needs to be done to gain my normal state of being again. 

Perhaps the cat was a metaphor too, and perhaps I was triggered a lot because of her, and that it's good to know (be reminded of) what I am capable of giving and where / what I need receiving. 

It's a relatively hot evening, and it's a full moon night, and I'm finding it extremely hard to relax. I will sip on another cup of chamomile in the hope of calming my weary mind. The sun shines on me on my bed these days, I hope it eases the pain and warms my heart gently each new day until I become full and complete again...