Yours truly

I bathed in the sun without you for the first time, on our Sunday, took me 5 weeks to do. It was me and the thought of you, in my chest, not in my mind. I cried a little here and there, but mostly I allowed that newly cleansed vessel inside of me to just hold you a little. I've missed you. I conversed with God at the peek of the moment, he missed you too. We had to let you be, and respect your choice, of spirit entanglements, and the dark side. We loved you through it, we still do, our distance is our love for you at this stage. 

I cried too from the knowing, of all the pains and the distortions inside of your head, heart, and soul. I knew a little too much for somebody just wanting a light - and grounding with earthly pleasures - relationship. Every moment with you I was brought up to the 7th sky, and pulled down to the 7th hell. I loved your extremes. I hated your demons. I missed your soul, always have. But nothing beats the current peace. Damn you and the chaos you create! 

I get to write my useless words again, since this whole realm is not the reality anyway. I might as well have my own little delusional reality within it, if it comes to that. You were at its centre for a while, for several months, for 9 months to be exact. I sure have pushed you out of my womb, you silly little thing!

I miss the sight of you, I miss your voice, I miss the warmth of your touch, I miss our embrace, and I miss your vulnerability. You couldn't mask it towards the end anymore, and it drove you crazy. The pretences were dropping down, and you got too busy working on new ones, but those never worked. I have wanted to see you all, for I have appreciated and accepted all of your sides and aspects. You thought you could keep things together by sticking on more new show offs and fake gestures and empty words. It was just not going to work anymore, I naiively thought I was giving you pointers. Everything was a threat to you, a challenge, a bet. What a shame, what a waste!...

I had to forgive you eventually. I was right all along; you've never handled a full woman before, requiring from you to be a real human being. You've never beenor in a real, non transactional relationship before. I should've known better, but then again, you are indeed my teacher, through and through. 

You showed me just how inverted this reality is, and just how seriously and badly damaged the people are. You showed me, for how else could I have seen it, if I didn't go down the street! Except, you brought the streets to my home, to our home, and you fought and attached and assaulted me hard like your nemesis, or like your male friend, or like a total stranger who happened to have sworn at you after you started the attack.

Thank you for the lessons. I am sorry for my naivety. We played good and evil. You know the biggest trick the devil pulled?

Yeah, never mind... 

I don't pray for you anymore like I used to before. Instead, I just speak to God about my feelings and thoughts, and I release you from me to him everytime, with a little bit more detachment every single time. It seems to be doing the trick. I am indeed over you.

For whatever it's worth though,

Fuck you!!! 

Yours, truly. 

Around the corner

They brought us autumn in August, I was not yet ready to turn in. The sun was still at it, the grieving hasn't yet ended, there's more to expose, and a lot to be exposed for. I shan't address these clouds, move along now, heart still has work to do with Sun, and those sunny people, and their sunny hearts. Wait around the corner you eager evil spirit with your doom and gloom! 

The echoes of muted screams

I'm the butchered cow, once fell, all alone, and the butchers roaming around, each one wanting a piece of his own.

I'm the orphan who dreamed excessively about Home, it started to project it on the faces of her predators. 

I choke on the thorn of the rose they offer me, totally oblivious to the purpose of any of it all, life, its roses, and the rose offering.

I am mother and child, and the deserting of both. The alienation, the abandonment, the sacrifice, the refuge, the longing, the containment, the attachment, and the detachment.

I am the neverending, always changing, mourning grief.

I am all the mornings, and some nightimes.

I am always escaping, avoiding, spacing out, self rejecting.

I am all the men that I have loved.

I am the residue of the residue of whatever breadcrumbs was ever thrown at me.

Men, women, children, all the same.

The pain is the pain is the pain is the pain.

Another day comes, 

Another day goes.

The cycles change, 

And I remain,

Griefbound.

On and on 

It goes. 

Until there is nothing left

but the echoes of muted screams.

Hush now baby,

Nobody's home. 

There is no home,

Just you,

And this incessant itching for a life that was only ever birthed once in your own psyche.

Hush and sleep now,

Or,

Just 

You 

Wake 

Up!

Oblivion in the city of ghosts

In the devil's lair, the only hopeful thing to do is ditching hope itself.

You see him in the eyes of everyone, you sense him in the empty smiles, in the fake words, in the silence, even in the void. He did not leave anything or anyone out, and why would he, this is his home after all. 

The grieving is not over what was, or what got lost, or what could've been, it is accepting that all if this life and its intricacies, even its rarest blissful moments, is only a facade.

"The biggest trick the devil played" indeed...

When you think you managed to unclench its grab on you, you find yourself in another trap. On and on it goes. There is food, and there is drink, and there are substances, pleasures, temptations, fake hope, numbing illusions, and all sorts of distractions. 

I see his face with that smirk, I hear his giggles, and that very loud and the most evil laugh...

Fuck you anyway, you lousy pathetic lowley parasitical fraud!

Try as you might,

You do not fool me! 

Cheers to another round of battles, 

This is personal now.

Monkey business

I asked God the other day: can I please, please, please embrace them so very tight with my body and close to my chest, so I can squeeze the demons out of them! 

God replied: you'll drown again, don't you ever learn?

I plead: I wish to try again, you and yours will pull me out on time if it happens again. Please! 

God went quiet. 

Ara whispered in my head: "tayseh, banana brain!"

I laughed and cried. 

Amen.

The fire that heats burns too

The sun today was your heart 

And the warmth of your body

The sun was the fire in your grip 

And the light in your face when you smile

Today the sun was my lost companion 

For I have lost you, haven't I?

And perhaps I did before even the illusion 

of having you by my side, you firey thing!

I miss you but I miss me too 

I miss us, I even miss the cringe when we romanced

Except, it never really was that to me,

For you've fit in perfectly with my everything... 

Strangely so.

I only just wished there was a turning down to your anger 

I turned and twirled and whirled to no avail

You lit the damn fire on both us

I can't say I didn't see it coming.

Today the sun shone through but I kept the curtains closed

I didn't want there to be daytime,

Or life 

But now I bask in the faint warmth of the sunset

I plan on going to the park again soon 

Boy won't I miss you!

I pray to the trees from now to take good care of my heart when I do 

I pray for all of nature and all that is Godly to take care of your mind 

And for God to please save your soul 

I love you so, precious one!

Until we meet again, if we ever do.