No more fooling

I cursed the curse that cursed you 

This morning

Mother 

Oh how I hate this existence that birthed your narcissism,

My stuck in a loop with it,

And all of the special men that moved me.

I cursed the milk you fed me 

I am still unsure you ever nursed me 

But I sure looked for that affection from all the men that held me

This reality has been crumbling for a while now 

I just wish I find the exist button 

To release myself once and for all 

I keep spiraling in and out,

One end has hope of healing and breaking them toxic patterns

One end takes me deeper in the rabbit hole 

I keep expanding and shrinking 

So does my heart and mind 

And this achy body 

Which keeps craving physical affection like an infant

I keep waiting on the men to mother me 

And I keep mothering all those who dare love me 

What else is there after all that has been said and done

But a never healing mother wound

Curse this reality 

Curse this realm 

God have mercy 

Hear me out 

SOS

The vortex

Hassan ghosted me last year

Raniya died earlier this year

Yasmina's still searching for Home and her pack

And Ali's soul is nowhere to be found from all the spirits 

I'm entangled and entrapped because I dared to love

I'm angry at God

I scream and shout 

In total silence 

Why did you bring Ali to me 

Why did you take him away

Why did you take them all away 

Why did you bring me here 

I'm naive and pathetic today 

I'm not going to pray 

Let me burn

Who said I can rescue me 

Who said I could rescue them 

Let it all burn 

And let us all drown 

Let it all be sucked up 

In this most evil and dark vortex 

If you hear this God 

SOS please 

Here we go again 

Hear us here 

We're calling Home 

I know I am 

Won't you please, 

Take me...

The same fire that heats, burns...

The sun was your heart 

And the warmth of your body

The sun was the fire in your grip 

And the piercing light in your eyes

Today the sun was my lost companion 

For I have lost you, haven't I?

And perhaps I did before even the illusion 

of having you by my side, you firey thing.

I miss you but I miss me too 

I miss us, and the cringiness of it all

Except, it never was that to me.

You've fit in perfectly with my everything 

I only just wished there was a turning down to your anger 

I turned and twirled and whirled to no avail

You lit the damn fire on both us 

I can't say I didn't see it coming 

Today the sun shone through but I kept the curtains drawn

But now I bask in the gentle light and faint warmth of the sunset

I plan on going to the park again soon 

Boy won't I miss you 

I pray to the trees from now to take good care of me when I do 

I pray for all of nature and all that is Godly to take care of your heart 

And for God to please ease your pain and heal your mind

I love you so, precious one.

Until we meet again, if we ever do...

في أمان الله يا أسمر

Sona

الطيبون للطيبات

أطهو وأصنع الحلويات

أعدّ حصة لك معي في كل ما أحضّر

****

ما لهذه الصباحات والأمسيات تشبه أيام الصغر

ما لوجهك يؤنسني هكذا

وصوتك يدفئني

ولمسك يحييني

أنا العجوز التي اكتفت من أمور الحياة وقصصها

وانعزلت وبلسمت جراحها بخلوتها

واستغنت عن البشر والصحبة

****

ما لصغيرتي الراشدة البالغة تحتضني

ما لها تطلب حضني كأنها طفلة من جديد

****

ما لهذه الايام كأنها بدايات النهاية

او نهايات البداية

ما لكلماتي تتلعثم

ولمَ أكتب بالعربية

****

أقرّ لك يا أسمر

انّك أعدتني طفلة

ومراهقة

وعروس صبية

وأمٌ مدلِّلة، مدلَّلة

أفرح بلقياك 

بل أنتشي من مجرد شوقي أليه

وأقضي ساعات الانتظار 

في حب كل ما يحرك فيّ وجودك

(ووجدانك وصدقك وعنفوانك)

وكل ما اعتقدت أن الحزن قد افقدني اياه

****

وأشارككما طعامي ووقتي ومكاني

وتدمع عيناي

 ويأنس قلبي

ويطمئن جسدي

وأستكين

****

هذه اللحظات

تشبه طعم الحب الاول

وأول أيام الزيجات

والأحلام الوردية 

والولادات الحديثة

والأمل

****

شكرا

وسلام 

يا أسمر