Un-limbo

I was in limbo most of the day, heavy dreams last night and a very long week took their toll on me. By the afternoon, I decided to get up, shake it off, and dance. It wan't the smartest of ideas considering the chronic pains in my body have all flared up lately, but I decided to move anyway. I watched my body as I was swaying in front of the mirror on some of my favorite Pakistani songs that the mood called for. 

My belly dance accessories jiggling away, my curves a little bit smoother than last summer, my hips so sore but holding up, my legs stiff, my knees weak and aching, but I kept going. My back looks a little bit more toned than how it was in wintertime. The hump on the back of my neck has returned, I have made a good progress with it in early summer. After the right shoulder pain was back some time ago though, I had to stop the stick exercises I was doing for it and for my shoulders and upper back. My belly is still too big for my liking, but I'm satisfied with the weight loss progress I've made this year thus far, it is very slow, but really steady. I now have bat wings but they don't seem to annoy me that much. I've prepared myself for lose skin and I'm eagerly waiting to embrace the changes. This gracious body has been through so much, I'm so grateful for it. 

I danced for 40 minutes, I used to take 45 minutes for warm up alone 3 years ago. I miss dancing for hours and losing touch with time and space, like the pre-corona days. I am hoping my body will restore its previous strength and flexibility soon. I am itching to move it in ways I have not even dared to do before. There are so many dances I wish to learn and experience, not to mention all the other passions that I need a strong body for. I am learning to heal it through attention, connection, love and patience, one body part at a time, one organ at a time, one joint, one muscle, one limb at a time.

The sun is just after setting, I'm looking at the mountain in the north direction, the breeze has slowed down now, the heat is very intense still, we're officially in our last summer days. A box of photos is on the ground waiting for me to go through it. I'm sticky with dry sweat, I will have a shower soon and then will get to the ground with a nice cup of herbal tea and dive into the box. I need strength of a different kind for that. As of late, I've been leaving all the memories sorting for the book project until the weekend. I can't afford getting emotional mid week when I'm usually busy with many different tasks, errands, and chores.

Limbo doesn't stand a chance with me, life is calling to be lived, and answer it I must. All those past memories waiting to be reconstructed, understood, processed, integrated. All those ambitions waiting to be dreamed and achieved. I am often feeling as though I'm lost in between different timelines lately, there is no other way to exist now but through expansion. I am grateful for free will and hope. I will write a little prayer on my journal before bed, many things I'm thankful for, many precious beings need healing thoughts and well wishes today.