Enter at your own risk

 Gabor Mate went live last night on Instagram. I had been twisting and turning in my bed for hours. My usual bedtime routine of winding down, face massaging, legs up on the wall, reading and listening to soothing music, took longer than the usual. My mind was racing instead of slowing down. There was a knot inside of my chest, and I just did not want to feel it, nor did I have the energy or presence needed to deal with it, and so I watched Gabor. 

Hannah his daughter was on with him, she's a psychologist herself as well and the one who runs his Instagram account. Watching Gabor or even just listening to his voice has a soothing effect on me. He has such a tired, worn out face and features, and boy is he compassionate! He's usually talking about very sensitive topics regarding the psyche, trauma, relationships dysfunctions, addictions, childhood, and so on, yet one could easily fall asleep while watching him. His voice is comforting, his words have an instant healing effect, his eyes are promising. Few people have brought faith in humanity back into my heart recently, Gabor is one of them. How heart warming it is to see a human being fully open, bereft of any ego, continuously and constantly working on improving himself and expanding, while sharing his acquired knowledge, his experience, insights and wisdom so very openly with the world, without seeking accolade. The people who keep on going, who love working, who are consistent and committed to their vocation and their passion, touch me very deeply. 

It isn't just the scholars, pioneers, or intellects, I also follow many other random people on Instagram, many touch my very core in the same way. I follow few belly dancers who shine the same bright light, full of love and grace, fully committed to themselves, their passion, and their audience. I also follow shoe shiners from around the around. One particular guy from the States is my favorite. ASMR brought me to his YouTube account, and I stuck around since, almost 6 years now. He delivers good content, is very passionate, consistent with his videos posting, but also the growth of his techniques, styles and ways of filming. People who are so busy being and doing themselves are the most beautiful, and they shine so very differently. 

There have been times when I used to sympathize with people going through stagnation. So much so that I used to think that it was my role to share my light with them, energize them, lift them up, give them a nod, push them to get up and go, be, and do. I learned the very hard way not to do this anymore. More than 8 years of my life spent with a stagnant partner, it brought my whole life to a standing still position. I then got myself in short term relationships with stagnant men , addicted, with idle great potential. I often questioned what exactly was I doing. I knew there must've been a certain pain inside of me that was attracting these patterns, and that it needed healing for sure, I just didn't know how or where to begin. Self preservation was never my thing after all, and I realized I I needed to start from there. These connections were stepping between myself and my own light. I didn't just have one passion in life, I had so many, and I neglected every call to action just to be of assistance for others, for many long years. 

You could blame that on growing up not knowing my value or worth  as a child, for not getting validation or guidance growing up, but also not having been treated decently as an adult. This resulted in me not knowing the concept of boundaries or how to treat myself, let alone the healthy way others handling me.  I just did not know what self preservation felt or looked like, so I did what I knew to do best, serve. I also thing, that somewhere down the line, becoming a single mother at a relatively young age must have somehow wired me to be out-focused, driven to support, assist, give, nurture. Self love was a totally new concept that I had to teach myself how to integrate into my system.

 When I eventually managed to break away the pattern of resonating with stagnation, I started attracting people who were on the other end of the spectrum. Not only were these really motivated and active men, but also their ambitious was way too big, making them do anything to get what they wanted and desired, at any cost. Their passion and fire, so very magnetic, was detrimental to burn some things. Before then, I had been too busy for too long inside my cocoon, not realizing how some things played out in the relationship dynamics. I was totally oblivious to the games, manipulations and lies that were at play. Learning to ride these waves was something I didn't think I had in me, but thankfully I managed, though the cost was very high. 

I have just received a notification from Tinder as I write this, a new match has initiated a conversation with me. He's a film director, bearded, nothing unique there, but the artists in particular do attract me and trigger my curiosity. Most Lebanese men look the same way these days, sadly. I love beards, but not the way it's been used to hide the faces, or the extravagant ways they dress it up. After inspecting the looks and identifying a certain level of physical attraction, I usually start looking for cues in their photos, in their bio, and the smallest of hints and nuances in how they present themselves. When we start chatting, how present they are, slow or fast in responding, the politeness and mannerisms, their attention spam, what they give focus to, the little words, the pauses, the silence, the chatter. Excitement, eagerness, attention and care can easily be signs of a predator in disguise. Softness, humbleness, realness, and interest can be signs of depression in disguise. Tinder gives no promises, enter at your own risk is the motto. I often think to myself when a conversation starts and goes smoothly, now what Universe?! I stay open to receive the answers and messages, when I ignore them, the result is almost always sure to be disastrous. 

I met a brutally honest man a while ago, who said it as it was. In his bio, he wrote two words only: heartbroken and angry. I asked him if this was sarcasm or the truth. He said it was the truth, and he was indeed very honest and open. Such a refreshing encounter, so much so that for a while, I was clueless as to how to handle myself. I have grown so accustomed to people wanting to dress up realities or hide facts that simply and merely just being open and present with the other, stating facts and truths as they were, openly sharing wounds, doubts and fears felt awkward, though very humbling and beautiful. 

The sun has only just left my room, I've just finished drinking my 2 liters water bottle. I'm ready to get up and have my fruits breakfast, and catch up with daughter. I want to tell her about the new realization I came to last night, regarding the boundaries of the child with an overbearing parent. I didn't think I was, but it seems I can be sometimes, talk about too much passion and fire! She's teaching and showing me how to handle her, and do our relationship now based on her needs and preferences. I'm so glad that for once, here's one person and a relationship dynamic I don't have to tip toe around or try and guess and look out for cues. Direct, straight forward instructions, and clear boundaries, I like the sound of that, any day, any time.