Just another goodbye

I cleaned your empty room today. Finally empty after 7 months since you left. I could only just start with the real goodbyes now. I said many while cleaning the floor, removing the dust and cob webs, throwing away the last bits and bobs you left out. Many notebooks and sketches too, I didn't dare look. I put away many things to be given away, Sa'er and his daughters might appreciate them, mostly toys, books, blank notebooks and craft things. The goats came by while I was doing the floor, I was crying already, I cried some more. The Shephard was doing all the funky sounds in his usual ways. Alone, they don't make me laugh... I didn't dare go to the balcony, cleaning it was next but I delayed that for after they left. 

I talked to you today while in your room, not your current soon to be officially an adult self, but the one you used to be before. I ignored those who convinced you to pretend to be someone else as an adolescent, and to lie as a child. I pretended they didn't exist, and that they didn't do what they did, and that you were still untainted. I talked to your essence, your core, to when sweet and nice was your natural way of existence, without needing or wanting anything outside of it, without anything making you manipulate, or wanting to shift and change your surroundings, people and their behavious / actions included. I ignored them and told you directly, won't you see baby girl, they're driving you crazy, and me too when you were around. Won't you please consider shushing them and relaxing to whatever is. Simply. Just. That. I know things ought to be different, I know there's a lot of pain, I know there's a lot of healing, still. Stick your ground and to your morals baby girl. Pretty please, won't you try to remember now. I'm not in your face anymore, my words shan't affect you anymore. In fact, I might just be sending you the last prayer today, you ought to do whatever you wish to do. It's the freedom you wanted, won't you please use it wisely instead of wrecklessly. And by the way, I never could correct you for fear of you losing it when you talk about it, but baby girl, the healing doesn't end when you turn 18, you were very wrong, but you would've killed me towards the end. So here goes the truth, your healing will only truly start when you turn 18.

I sweet talked to my baby Yasmina who used to be eloquent with expressing her thoughts and feelings and desires from very early on. She listened, I told her how much I love her and how privileged it has been this being her mother and guardian thing. I said so many sorry's for the ways I messed up, I was young too, and growing with her. When I tell her I love her, she believes me and she knows. Unlike your current almost adult self, denying it, saying all sorts of things about projections and whatnot.

I remember being 17, I think I have lost it a little too back then, not like you, but different ways. All is forgiven, I am just not the enemy, never was, never will be. If you need to make me it, then be it. Whatever this journey takes you, I support you. Only just I will be very much in the back now. After all that has been done and said for almost 19 years, there's nothing left to do now but hope / wish for the best.

I can't say anything anymore, I'm crying again... 

I will sit in the balcony and watch the trees and the clouds, I removed your chair too, I'll teach myself new techniques for the next level of moving on now.

But mostly, I'll cry and pray. 

I will miss you terribly baby girl. 

Thank you for this journey. 

Godspeed. 

Mama xoxoxoxo