I had grew so tired from things shoved at me, latest offers, ads, options and choices. This morning in particular, though my body was beyond shattered from a most eventful week, I had the urge to pick things myself. Today I did not want to be sent fruits and vegetables chosen for me, even if the price was good. I wanted to chose each single fruit and vegetable I am going to eat for the next week. Today I did not feel like being fooled for a consumer, today I wanted to enjoy the freedom of browsing, chosing, picking, without screen time, without ads, without offers, without anybody manipulating my shopping experience whatsoever. My man was sitting down like usual, playing his game on his phone. Lights are off to save on the power bill, but the morning sun was enough. The prices were all much higher than the supermarket's, the produce wasn't exavtly fresh either, but I was fine with it all.
I got carried away with the fruits, I still don't know how to manage my single shopping for one, but what I do these days is shop for the full week. This means I get to buy my produce in a somewhat big quantity - which I'm used to and like - and have it spread throughout the week.
I picked a silly 3 in 1 coffee sachet, which I don't drink at all, just for the sake of enjoying that freedom a little bit more.
I was reminded just howmy food addiction started. Very long time ago when I was a child and had a lot of emotions to deal with, and nobody or nothing helping me process them, and growing up feeling stuck in situations and things being forced on me, food came to the rescue. As it tuned out, nobody ever cared whatever I put in my mouth. And so it became an act of rebellion, but also freedom. Unfortunately the price of not having attentive, educated parenting around, meant that I would pay a very high price for that freedom too, comfort food and freedom of choice has soon turned into addiction, and another trap.
I've been in and out of eating mindfully, intuitively, for the last 15 years. I've lost and gained weight just as much as I felt in control of my life, and saddened and depressed. The moment I realized I'm a food addict last year has hit me very hard. Addiction is a very different thing than comfort eating.
Since November 2022, I have started my battle of quitting "using". Hell has broken lose since! It was as though I opened a can of worms. Everything that I have been busy numbing with food came to the surface. I could not push the truth deep inside anymore, I could not be nice, polite and tame. Everything came out of me, slowly and gently at first but then raw and real, unfiltered, unpolished afterwards.
People loved me when I was a food addict, I would cook and bake and feed everyone. People I have only just met, dates, friends, family, family's friends, and so on... It also took me by surprise the realization that I was addicted even to that, cooking and feeding people.
But then this morning it also hit me, that I have been addicted to my daughter too. There's something about giving and losing myself in it that has kept me stuck in pathological patterns throughout of my life. Motherhood can be very dangerous this way, it was another trap.
When I decided to be sober; eat, drink, cook, feed, give, but stay sober in the process, meaning not losing myself in the other, in the giving, I started to understand how bad my state was. People couldn't even bare hearing me out in the process. I was to exist only just through the giving, saying only pleasant things. The intensity of my being was only tolerable to them as long as I was drugging myself with food, and sharing my drug!
Just like when I was a child, just like when I was a middle aged woman, nobody ever cared whatever I put in my system, as long as I was quiet. And then I decided, I shall not be quiet nor drugged anymore. And so this journey has started...
Going through the emotional pain of the last 7 months, and the mental turmoils, the trauma healing, the life shifting, and all that has come with it was made extremely harder with thr fact that I am not numbing myself or using anything at all to help take the edge of, or give me a little break. The harder things became, the stricter I was with my eating habits and new protocol.
As it stands, I've been fasting for 18 hours a day, for the last 11 weeks, eating only within 6 hours window. I eat super clean, I prepare everything myself. With the exception of extreme emotional cases where I would binge on bread or dairy (which makes me totally numb due to my intolerance for them), I have been detoxing like crazy. All that fat carrying all the emotional pain from all my decisions, choices, people's actions, my inaction, my fear, guilt, shame, sadness, disappointment... Ought to start leaving me as I beging to learn how to live for myself truly as an adult, for once!
I came back from the shop, emptied all my bags, starting my usual produce cleaning and washing, then drying and sorting in containers for the fridge ready for the week.
I then had that stupid coffee thing, just because, and then I decided to look after myself and forget about the house for a bit. I had done cleaning yesterday, and though it's nice and fresh now, the dirty windows were annoying me, but I was just not going to be a housekeeper for this particular week anymore.
I boiled some water, and gave myself a foot bath, followed by pedicure. As I was rubbing the dead skin on my cracked heals, I thought to myself this could not be the case anymore. I felt like a woman in my 60's, with 4 grown kids and their grandchildren, and a sick husband and bedridden mother law and I was looking after everyone! The reality was far from it. I'm on my own, I got on myself to look after, yet I just couldn't shake off the way I was doing things before. Pressured, stressed, anxious, escapism...
I don't know how long this transformation is going to take me, I'm tackling my mind, and very old brain wiring, my heart, my body, my very soul...
But I'm committed, and with the passing of every new week, I feel regenerated, even if the current physical pain now won't let me see it, but I know down the line, I'm making a huge progress.
It saddened me to bit, just how many people I lost in the process of loving myself. It is shocking just how toxic all relationships are. It is reassuring that I could do this with patience and practice, because at the end of the day, I do know love, I've only just been fixing it out all my life.
This time around, it is I who benefits from my own love, abundance, care and attention. And if anybody wants in my life again, in any shape or form, they have to match my level of self love, otherwise they will drain me or pull me down, and haven't I learned a lesson or two being alive and doing intimate connections with people all those 42 years past!
Enough banter now, I can go on forever, but I'll just get a nice nap, in preparation for a relaxed end of the week, my very first one is months!
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