A dark dawn

Just like this, you discharge me from my motherhood services, you fire me from my mom job. 

Just like this, your father erases years of overdue custody payments owed to me. 

I'm shocked and confused. Haven't I been doing my job? I was perfecting that solo parenting thing, which was especially hard considering the absence of support and the peculiar circumstances. Was all of that just inside my head too!? Did I mess up really that bad to be treated in this way and manner, by both of you?! What crime did I commit? What am I being punished for?!? 

When the people and the country and the world were going crazy and hell broke lose, didn't I keep steady? I kept carrying you and running around with my head and heart in the right place despite the chaos. I kept you a priority, I carried on working, pushing through, while moving us through different places, always seeking better in everything, with your needs and desires at the heart of it all. Kept our "home" safe, kept you sheltered, contained, and nurtured. All the while your father deafening our ears with his excuses of lack and can not's, for years on end, from his high horse in the country of comfort and wealth, inside his world of luxury and "lordship", and sickening stories of polygamy. I pushed through it all, and some more, didn't I?! 

Was it that much to ask to keep it smooth and peaceful this passage of rite!? I so wanted to celebrate it, I so wanted to celebrate you. I was preparing for it, we were doing it together, I was following your guidelines like you wanted me to. I so wanted it to be celebrated properly, if for anything, to make up for all those years of abrupt and forced everything, and milestone after the other missed and overlooked! I so wanted your passage to adulthood to be beautiful, free from mess and chaos, or pressure and forced anything... 

No point talking more now, no point of right or wrong. Everybody made their choice, isn't it time I make my own?!!! 

My trauma wound highly activated, my body and system reminding me:

You're not worthy of good deeds

You're not worthy of effort

You're not worthy of sorry's

You're not worthy of thank you's

To heal is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel if to feel is to detach. 

I'm praying for the God who puts so much compassion inside of me to show me how does one go about detaching. 

I'll pray for the heavens to look at me and look after me, only just for a little while now, because I feel most utterly bereft. 

Discharged, dispatched, dismissed, deposed, laid off, disregarded, deserted.

Without a notice, without payment, like a corrupt nanny, or a thief babysitter, or a dirty housekeeper, or some sort of a lousy cleaner. Like a nobody! 

I was the keeper of your heart, baby girl, what made you forget? 

Trauma mode activated:

I'm not worthy of honorable actions 

I'm not worthy of the hard but right choices

I'm not worthy of the slightest of efforts

I'm not worthy of kind words 

I'm not worthy of kind gestures 

I'm not worthy of the right actions 

I'm an undesired, useless, emotional mess

Discharged, dispatched, dismissed, deposed, laid off, disregarded, deserted.

Please God help me feel all there is to feel, and some more, so I can finally move on. Please help me detach myself, once and for all, from this cursed man and anything that he touches, who was a mirage of a friend, husband, co-parent. 

Amen.