Delirium

I was relieved I spent the whole afternoon and evening without crying. As soon as I hit my bed on the pillow to sleep come nighttime, I started crying uncontrollably. Missing you came crushing on me like high waves of tormenting emotions. I let my body weep, covered my face to mute the sounds. I shivered and trembled, body temperature changed, felt hot then cold, then hot again. It went on for a while, until I no longer remember drifting to sleep. 

I woke up from a dream. I'm crying some more again...

It was you and I and another move. This time around you were young again, 6 or 7 years old. It was a two storey house. Huge with many rooms in different sizes. I let you roam the place and you're excited about it. I tell you to pick your room. You can't decide from too many options. You end up deciding on one every day. I move things around for you as you make each new room your own. I bring your furniture in, decorate the room, clean it and dress it up. Only for you to decide on another one in the next morning, and we change all over again. I didn't seem to mind it, I was excited for your excitement and I played along. 

At one point in the dream, Yasmina your friend joins us. We dedicate a room for her too. We're doing the same now for her, you two exchanged rooms at some point too. 

You in particular were very giddy, goofy, and confident giving me instructions and orders, but she was timid and couldn't get herself to speak up. I told you to tell her to feel comfortable, that I would not harm her, that we did not need anything in return from her. That we do all of that in our home just because it feels nice. She eases into her new temporary environment, and I soon hear the sound of your pitter patter and talks and laughs from the distant rooms. 

At one moment in the dream, there was a drain underneath her bed that flooded her room. She tries to hide that from us for fear of embarrassement. When we eventually find out, we get in there and try to solve the problem and help clean the mess. She's impressed at our team work, we work on it as though it wasn't even a problem but a regular routine of a sort. I tell you to pour the drain opener from another room, you do it then bring in gloves and plastic bags and we get on our hands and knees and removed all sorts of blocking mock and  dirt from inside the drain. We assure her that we know it's not hers, we tell her it's not ours either and that we too are still new to the place.

I whisper to you to go and comfort her and explain to her how it was not her fault, telling her not to feel shameful, and how these things just happen sometimes, just because, and that we're personally totally OK, and used to, getting down and cleaning the residues of those before us, when it soils and invades our space.

Meanwhile, I finish cleaning, put things back to place, and I ask you two girls which rooms next. You excitedly rush to the other rooms to make new choices, this time you're both deciding on which one of you will take the one with the "pinkier" wall. 

Yasmina's face and demeanor changes from anxious to relaxed, from confused to comfortable, from guarded to being totally at ease. I am soft and gentle and accommodating, but she still looks out for any cues of threat. She doesn't find any, but still struggles to remove the image of the monster they had her make of me when she was younger. 

She eventually realizes that the big giant veiled woman in dark clothing and a deep voice is the guardian of the heart.

She rejoices in the knowing that she's safe with us. Still peeking on me every now and then and checking what I'm up to, from mere curiosity and interest this time around, and not out of anxiety or fear. 

.... 

Won't you tell Yasmina from me that I'm sorry about the tomato incident. It was never meant to be how her mother reacted to it. In fact, quite the opposite was intended. Loving and guiding only, not guilt tripping!!! Also tell her that the shame and guilt her mother made her feel was a projection of her own, and not Yasmina's, for she was totally innocent, merely a child doing normal children things. Also tell her that when she visits Lebanon again eventually, I owe her a huge box of cherry tomatoes to make it up for her, and for the laughs. 

I love you both, boy how the years have passed! 

Tell her I say hi, and you, you better take care of yourself, baby girl. 

You'll always be my baby, and one day, you'll realize things too... 

I'm not in a hurry, we have this long (and daunting) lifetime we're experiencing simultaneously - though I would've loved me an emergency exit option, but I'll also be content with just a break. 

Hope you're sleeping soundly.