False Hope

It was almost over. Sadly, it isn't.

When the shaking woke me up from my deep sleep, and I realized that an earthquake was taking place, I felt a strange familiar / unfamiliar moment of relief. I thought: this is it, it's all over now, deeds were done, words were said, actions taken, chances given, prayers given, wrong doings forgiven, heart has been so filled with love it almost knocked me over. There was nothing else for me to say or do or be after the life that I've lived. I thought that the earth shaking the ground from underneath people, literally now, would shake the debris stuck on their soul, would clean the residues in the hearts, would shake their minds clean to the realization of the interconnectedness of it / us all... 

The shaking stopped soon enough, we missed the cataclysm by only 300 kilometers! 

Thousands have died, thousands injured, thousands lost family and loved ones, thousands of mothers lost their babies and kids. How can I whine on the missing of my own baby this morning, when she's healthy and alive still, and making the conscious choice every day to be on a different terrain than I... 

But was it really a blessing? Is it really good luck? Is this really a good thing we weren't affected by this devastating earthquake? Christians are praying for their saints and Jesus, the Muslims are praying for God almighty to avoid them the disasters. Pictures of Jesus carrying a globe earth shared on statuses on whatsapp by the christians, with words of relief and acknowledgments to Christ who saved them and is protecting Lebanon! Pictures of Quran verses about earthquakes and natural disasters and judgment day equally shared by the Muslims, also videos of Sheikhs reciting prayers inside Mosques asking for healing for the affected by the event, and the saving of their own souls in the afterlife!

The neighbours who not so long ago were attacking each other very aggressively in the whatsapp groups of the compound and building over the most menial matters, are now most gentle, most loving and soft towards each other, sending words of congrats for escaping the quake...  They're quite docile now. What is it about death that scares people so much, yet doesn't really break them open! I give them until beginning of summer before it's all forgotten about, and the good old norm of hostility to take place again. 

Yes I did feel scared, not the thought of my death though, but horrified really at having to witness more of the madness this amnesic humanity is capable of - and is going to be - committing. From the biggest scale to the smallest scale. My REAL NEWS - The Big Picture playlist on YouTube is being filled to the brim lately with the most horrible and horrifying stories of this madness on the bigger scale. Not merely predictions anymore, not the far away future, not Huxlian or Orwelian scenarios, it's real time facts and acts. But then there's the small scale madness too, but that's my every day life and the people and the stuff I keep writing about in this blog... 

Lose expectations, lose expectations. Yes, alright, okay, I am learning! 

Haven't the last 4 years taught me enough already? Apparently a lot, but not enough, because I still hope, every now and then, like an idiot. Like I had hoped the wild fires from Autumn 2019 to waken people up to that we only really have each other and not the politicians or the parties or or or... And then the so called revolution weeks after that, and the dragging of it, and the new problems it created, and the banking system collapse, and and and... what did they learn from that? Nothing, life carried on... and then Covid, and the lockdowns... what did they do? Oh God I had so much hope! Like the war time when I was 9 years old. 30 years apart, I still had the same hope... but now, I've finally accepted the reality and removed my filters. Things are quite bleak! What happened during the port explosion and afterwards, what happened with family and friends. What did my "family" and friends do? Fuck me up! It was my whole life all over again, each of these events presenting the initial traumas, and people oblivious to my pain or the connectedness of our humanness. I kept meeting them half way, and end up being deserted every single time... did I learn my lesson already? I sure hope I did, I sure hope if death was to take me now, I wouldn't say "if only!..."

Each and every single event created a cataclysm on its own, a dissolving of the past as we knew it, and the space creating for a new reality. Except, people simply don't get the cues! 

Amnesia at play continues, souls trade is the hype, gratifications addiction is the name of the game. 

And as it stands, asshole number 1, aka first ex husband, still hasn't settled what he owes me in arrears of child custody for job done and finished years ago... 

and asshole number 2, aka my second husband, still hasn't sent me the money we agreed on 3 years ago to help pay the laywer to finalise our overseas divorce for us. 

but perhaps now after the earthquake I know more, and perhaps and I sure hope, that I finally know better. 

...for the things that we do not do speaks volumes about us, as much as the things that we actually do. 

Cease to plead

When the crying and screaming and the pleading doesn't get answered, when the echoes of the SOS sounds return back empty-handed, know that the salvation is near. That moment when the violated finally ceases to resist her rapist.

Find solace in the very giving up on hope, this hope that had turned into faith from desperation, then transformed into despair with the realizations. This very despair is your way out; the act of deconstructing the illusion of the possibility of ever being rescued. You can't lose anything if you've already lost everything. In the silence lies your true freedom. Surrender your body, you've conquered. Let it all be over and done with, stay put, sit still, quiet, and limp, like a corpse, like the soul of your rapist, let him finish, it's nearly over. Remain silent. 

Loosen hope, let go of attachments, smash your expectations. 

Despair is the new beginning in disguise. 

............. 

When you've already reached the peak and height of the most agonizing pain you ever thought you could experience, anything from that point onward becomes a relief. 

Embrace your pain, lick your wounds, attend to your broken bones. Scrub your skin, touch it, caress it, feel your muscles, know how it hurts in each place, and where it hurts the most. Learn how it feels in your body for someone to betray their own soul, to disconnect from their heart, from source, to get off the designated path. 

The long dark nights, the grieving, and the collapse are your friends now. 

Put your million broken pieces together. 

Take all the time you need.

You will wake up a little bit more in your body every new morning from now on.

That was your rebirth. 

Welcome back. 

Delirium

I was relieved I spent the whole afternoon and evening without crying. As soon as I hit my bed on the pillow to sleep come nighttime, I started crying uncontrollably. Missing you came crushing on me like high waves of tormenting emotions. I let my body weep, covered my face to mute the sounds. I shivered and trembled, body temperature changed, felt hot then cold, then hot again. It went on for a while, until I no longer remember drifting to sleep. 

I woke up from a dream. I'm crying some more again...

It was you and I and another move. This time around you were young again, 6 or 7 years old. It was a two storey house. Huge with many rooms in different sizes. I let you roam the place and you're excited about it. I tell you to pick your room. You can't decide from too many options. You end up deciding on one every day. I move things around for you as you make each new room your own. I bring your furniture in, decorate the room, clean it and dress it up. Only for you to decide on another one in the next morning, and we change all over again. I didn't seem to mind it, I was excited for your excitement and I played along. 

At one point in the dream, Yasmina your friend joins us. We dedicate a room for her too. We're doing the same now for her, you two exchanged rooms at some point too. 

You in particular were very giddy, goofy, and confident giving me instructions and orders, but she was timid and couldn't get herself to speak up. I told you to tell her to feel comfortable, that I would not harm her, that we did not need anything in return from her. That we do all of that in our home just because it feels nice. She eases into her new temporary environment, and I soon hear the sound of your pitter patter and talks and laughs from the distant rooms. 

At one moment in the dream, there was a drain underneath her bed that flooded her room. She tries to hide that from us for fear of embarrassement. When we eventually find out, we get in there and try to solve the problem and help clean the mess. She's impressed at our team work, we work on it as though it wasn't even a problem but a regular routine of a sort. I tell you to pour the drain opener from another room, you do it then bring in gloves and plastic bags and we get on our hands and knees and removed all sorts of blocking mock and  dirt from inside the drain. We assure her that we know it's not hers, we tell her it's not ours either and that we too are still new to the place.

I whisper to you to go and comfort her and explain to her how it was not her fault, telling her not to feel shameful, and how these things just happen sometimes, just because, and that we're personally totally OK, and used to, getting down and cleaning the residues of those before us, when it soils and invades our space.

Meanwhile, I finish cleaning, put things back to place, and I ask you two girls which rooms next. You excitedly rush to the other rooms to make new choices, this time you're both deciding on which one of you will take the one with the "pinkier" wall. 

Yasmina's face and demeanor changes from anxious to relaxed, from confused to comfortable, from guarded to being totally at ease. I am soft and gentle and accommodating, but she still looks out for any cues of threat. She doesn't find any, but still struggles to remove the image of the monster they had her make of me when she was younger. 

She eventually realizes that the big giant veiled woman in dark clothing and a deep voice is the guardian of the heart.

She rejoices in the knowing that she's safe with us. Still peeking on me every now and then and checking what I'm up to, from mere curiosity and interest this time around, and not out of anxiety or fear. 

.... 

Won't you tell Yasmina from me that I'm sorry about the tomato incident. It was never meant to be how her mother reacted to it. In fact, quite the opposite was intended. Loving and guiding only, not guilt tripping!!! Also tell her that the shame and guilt her mother made her feel was a projection of her own, and not Yasmina's, for she was totally innocent, merely a child doing normal children things. Also tell her that when she visits Lebanon again eventually, I owe her a huge box of cherry tomatoes to make it up for her, and for the laughs. 

I love you both, boy how the years have passed! 

Tell her I say hi, and you, you better take care of yourself, baby girl. 

You'll always be my baby, and one day, you'll realize things too... 

I'm not in a hurry, we have this long (and daunting) lifetime we're experiencing simultaneously - though I would've loved me an emergency exit option, but I'll also be content with just a break. 

Hope you're sleeping soundly.

A dark dawn

Just like this, you discharge me from my motherhood services, you fire me from my mom job. 

Just like this, your father erases years of overdue custody payments owed to me. 

I'm shocked and confused. Haven't I been doing my job? I was perfecting that solo parenting thing, which was especially hard considering the absence of support and the peculiar circumstances. Was all of that just inside my head too!? Did I mess up really that bad to be treated in this way and manner, by both of you?! What crime did I commit? What am I being punished for?!? 

When the people and the country and the world were going crazy and hell broke lose, didn't I keep steady? I kept carrying you and running around with my head and heart in the right place despite the chaos. I kept you a priority, I carried on working, pushing through, while moving us through different places, always seeking better in everything, with your needs and desires at the heart of it all. Kept our "home" safe, kept you sheltered, contained, and nurtured. All the while your father deafening our ears with his excuses of lack and can not's, for years on end, from his high horse in the country of comfort and wealth, inside his world of luxury and "lordship", and sickening stories of polygamy. I pushed through it all, and some more, didn't I?! 

Was it that much to ask to keep it smooth and peaceful this passage of rite!? I so wanted to celebrate it, I so wanted to celebrate you. I was preparing for it, we were doing it together, I was following your guidelines like you wanted me to. I so wanted it to be celebrated properly, if for anything, to make up for all those years of abrupt and forced everything, and milestone after the other missed and overlooked! I so wanted your passage to adulthood to be beautiful, free from mess and chaos, or pressure and forced anything... 

No point talking more now, no point of right or wrong. Everybody made their choice, isn't it time I make my own?!!! 

My trauma wound highly activated, my body and system reminding me:

You're not worthy of good deeds

You're not worthy of effort

You're not worthy of sorry's

You're not worthy of thank you's

To heal is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel is to feel if to feel is to detach. 

I'm praying for the God who puts so much compassion inside of me to show me how does one go about detaching. 

I'll pray for the heavens to look at me and look after me, only just for a little while now, because I feel most utterly bereft. 

Discharged, dispatched, dismissed, deposed, laid off, disregarded, deserted.

Without a notice, without payment, like a corrupt nanny, or a thief babysitter, or a dirty housekeeper, or some sort of a lousy cleaner. Like a nobody! 

I was the keeper of your heart, baby girl, what made you forget? 

Trauma mode activated:

I'm not worthy of honorable actions 

I'm not worthy of the hard but right choices

I'm not worthy of the slightest of efforts

I'm not worthy of kind words 

I'm not worthy of kind gestures 

I'm not worthy of the right actions 

I'm an undesired, useless, emotional mess

Discharged, dispatched, dismissed, deposed, laid off, disregarded, deserted.

Please God help me feel all there is to feel, and some more, so I can finally move on. Please help me detach myself, once and for all, from this cursed man and anything that he touches, who was a mirage of a friend, husband, co-parent. 

Amen.